Capture Your Grief, Day 31: Sunset

Capture Your Grief, Day 30: Tell The World

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling? Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren

I have a lot of music that reminds me of her, I will try to compile them and maybe in the future be able to share a post but I want to share the video that my niece made for me. It has Alanna's last few pictures and the first music that reminded me of Alanna. Makes me cry every-time I hear this song, just recently found out the title of the song "Heaven got another Angel"  

Capture Your Grief, Day 28. Memory

Day 28. Memory. Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

The most positive significant memory on this journey of grief is the help we received from family and friends. Losing Alanna has helped me found out who my real family and friends are. From the day we have lost my baby Alanna in the hospital, from funeral arrangements and up until now.  I can thank you guys enough.

Capture Your Grief, Day 27: Artwork

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

When I started my blog, I've met a lot of people who makes art work/projects for babies. I have posted their work under "Alanna's Name Gallery" Page which can be found HERE. I am so blessed finding them and getting things for my Alanna.

I also want to share an art work my 5-year old daughter made last week. She showed it to me and I was so touched and happy that she remembers her baby sister. There were times when I have second thoughts of not mentioning Alanna to my kids, especially to Ava and Ross. But I am glad that I am open to them and do things for Alanna with them. I'm so very proud that she knows how to spell her sister's name. I remember spelling it out for her once but now she just writes it all by herself without asking for help. 

Artwork by Alanna's sister Ava 2012 October

Its been 2 months and 8 days

Hi Alanna,

Its just one of those days. I was just looking at your pictures trying to edit them and putting borders on them. Mommy found this cool App in the Ipad and I'm feeling sad because I only have few pictures of you to edit. I am really regreting not taking more pictures of you. My tears just kept flowing.

Eniweyz, your little brother is awake and has been looking for attention. I miss you.


XOXO
Mommy

Capture Your Grief, Day 26: Their Age

Alanna was 2-hours-and-3-mins old (or that's 123 minutes or 7380 seconds)-- Alanna's age when she died. The little time that I hope I was there beside her instead of me on a different room, the little time that I wish was longer.

2 Hours and 3 minutes

Blog Directory Listing - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Baby/Child Loss

When I lost my baby Alanna, I was so lost. I did not know where to turn to or even what to do. One day, I went online, there I found another world where people blog and write about losing their baby/child. A world where I can relate things that happened to me. I found blogs that dealt with circumstances that's somewhat similar to mine, then I felt normal and felt that I am NOT alone. I found great healing reading people's blogs. There are days where I just find myself searching and googling for links about Child Loss stories, sometimes I'm lucky and sometimes I'm not. 

Inspired by my loss of my Baby Alanna, I decided to create a Blog Directory - Listing of Baby Loss Blogs to be able to add blog sites from parents who experience losing a child all over the world. A place to connect with people who lost a child by Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Baby/Child death. A place to share blogs to others who have lost their loved ones. 

Please feel free to check my Blog Directory, I will be happy to add your blog link. Just simply fill up the REQUEST FORM page.

Thank you!

Capture Your Grief, Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing

We were not expecting Alanna to come out at 28-weeks, so I did not really had a baby shower. I am sharing though a picture of the only thing that I have received early for Alanna. Baby clothes that came from the Philippines from my niece Rose("Lot-Lot"). I actually ask her to buy me these things and told her that I will send the money for    the cost but she told me that I don't have to pay her in return. 

When my brother-in-law came back from his trip  to the Philippines, he was carrying the baby clothes. I remember I got them few days before I lost Alanna. I didn't even open it up until Alanna's funeral as I was looking for a clothing that she can wear for her funeral. I cried when I saw them because I knew she can never try them and wear them. It was too big for her small body. I have more than one, so I plan to give them away. I am not sure though if I want to keep one set for myself or should I just give everything. I'm not sure yet. I guess when that time comes, I will know what to do with them. 

Also, I want to share the photos below that I consider blessing that was given to us to remember Alanna. Also check my Most Treasure Items Post which is also consider blessing.

cross from the funeral homes

Message in a bottle from her Great Grandma Romy

Bag with Alanna's things from the hospital
From the Hospital where I deliver Alanna

Capture Your Grief, Day 24: Siblings

Day 24. Siblings Obviously not everyone can use siblings as a subject but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

I am glad that my niece Samantha took some pictures during Alanna's funeral visitation from her cellphone. Below are the ONLY pictures I have of Alanna with her brothers and sister. I wish we took more pictures, I guess one of my regret is not having my children come to the hospital to see her. It would be nice for them to hold their baby sister and take pictures. I admit, I am jealous of those family who have pictures of their kids with their baby. If only I knew that this is ok I would have taken tons of pictures!

Kristopher and her baby sister Alanna

Ava and her baby sister Alanna

Diezel and his baby sister Alanna
He was running around, he's so innocent.
I'm glad someone took this picture

And I also want to share my 12-year old niece Samantha who took and saved the pictures above using her cellphone.

Samantha, Alanna's cousin

Also want to share what my niece's message and my son's drawing which can be found on this POST.

Opening mails - Death certificate BEFORE her OHIP, Birth certificate, what more?

Paper that wish I did NOT have
Alanna's Death Certificate

I was having an 'okay' day yesterday when something came in the mail that afternoon. I always get this weird pump in my heart, like a thug everytime I get mails and see Alanna's name on one of them. Last week I sent the hospital where I  delivered Alanna an authorization form to release all medical information and thought that it's about that but then I saw the Ontario Logo in-front of the envelope so I knew it was something different. So again, my heart leaped and pumped fast, thoughts running in  my head, and thought what could it be?

I opened the envelope and read the heading "Notice of Birth Registration" then after I was so focused on   the words "Statement of Live Birth". After seeing those words I stopped and started crying. I cried so hard that I thought it will never stop so I needed to do something to get it off my head. It again just reminded me of my lost. So sad to think that I got her Death Certificate first then here I am receiving her Statement of "Live" Birth. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around?! Heartbreaking!? YES! Ironic?! NO! because it does happen, I know because it just happened to me. 

Yes it does remind me but just painful to know that I don't get to use it in the future.
But nice to know that she is someone who LIVED and not just someone who died

The past few months has been so hard for me opening mails that has Alanna's name because my heart keeps on breaking to pieces. Few weeks ago, her health card also came. Wondering and asking why bother sending it to me, there is no Alanna to see? She does not need any medical care? There is no body to check? to weigh or measure height? There is no Alanna! Her health card has an expiration, wow! really? Do I need to renew after it expires? It just when you thought you are on your way moving forward and bang! Dead end! A big wall! A slap in the face! A knife through your heart! Not that I didn't want to be reminded because I don't want to forget her but these things just remind me that I lost her... lost her too soon. The thought of not able to make appointment for her for her monthly check up because her OHIP card has arrived, the thought of applying for her passport because I have her birth certificate just torment and torture my already broken heart.

How I wish a letter from God would come instead and it would say that "She's ready to pick up! Your Alanna is here", or maybe a letter from Alanna saying that says "Mom, I'm coming home!" but I know that would never happen, reality is --my baby is gone. But I know someday we will meet again. I know this is not the end. I have so much to say, but today I will leave you with I miss you and I love you my baby.

Capture Your Grief, Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Alanna's First Photo - Ultrasound taken Saturday, June 30, 2012. I remember I found out that we are going to have a baby girl.

Our First Meet- First photo of me and my baby
19th Aug 2012 5:42 AM

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go."

My eldest son with his dad saying their goodbyes during Alanna's funeral visitation
"Goodbye for now but we'll meet again"
22.August.2012

Alanna Phoebe. Her first name "Alanna" came from my name and her dad's, from Anna and Rolan (A-Lan-nA). Her second name "Phoebe" came from the show "Friends". All my other children got their second names from the same show.

Also googled her name "Alanna" and "Phoebe" and I found out about these things, it came up with different meanings:

Alanna*

The name Alanna is a baby girl name.

Gaelic Meaning: 
The name Alanna is a Gaelic baby name. In Gaelic the meaning of the name Alanna is: Beautiful. Dear child.

American Meaning: 
The name Alanna is an American baby name. In American the meaning of the name Alanna is: meaning harmony, stone, noble, or fair.

Irish Meaning: 
The name Alanna is an Irish baby name. In Irish the meaning of the name Alanna is: This name of uncertain origin may be a feminine form of Man, or derived from the Irish Gaelic word for 'child'.

Celtic Meaning: 
The name Alanna is a Celtic baby name. In Celtic the meaning of the name Alanna is: This name of uncertain origin may be a feminine form of Man, or derived from the Irish Gaelic word for 'child'.

*(Source: http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/alanna)

Phoebe**

The name Phoebe is a baby girl name.

Greek Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Phoebe is: Daughter of Leda.

American Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is an American baby name. In American the meaning of the name Phoebe is: The shining one. Mother of Leto. Phoebe was one of the names for the Greek moon goddess.

Latin Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Phoebe is: The shining one. Mother of Leto. Phoebe was one of the names for the Greek moon goddess.

**(Source: http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/phoebe)

Capture Your Grief, Day 22: Place of Care/Birth

For Capture your Grief, Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

Wow, I think I had to read this one many times and how I wish I have something to write  and share but it just bring so much heartbreaking memories.  First of all, I delivered where I'm not suppose to   have my baby which always makes me sad. Thinking that if we were home that day, things would've been different. (But then I'll never know, I still need to accept that part)  I don't know if you have read my STORY but I gave birth unexpectedly. 'Unexpectedly' is the term that I use I guess because I was only 28-weeks pregnant and did not know that I will have Alanna that day. (I googled the word Unexpectedly and the found the words 'prematurely', 'too soon' 'on short notice', 'out of the blue'.. maybe I should use those instead... but what the heck, I already wrote it).

I delivered in QHC Belleville General Hospital, I don't have a picture of the place/building but below is the picture taken there. Maybe someday, I will come and visit. I don't have pictures of the doctors and nurses who cared and helped with my baby, but how I wish I have their pictures because I know they did their very best. If only I knew that this would be part of the "capture your grief", then I would have taken their pictures. And a souvenir would be nice just for me to remember those who were there during that day. 

The idea of 'Place of care' where in I feel that I didn't even had the chance to take care of my Alanna just breaks my heart. It just happen so fast. I saw her alive for a few minutes, got separated and next thing I know she is gone. It just doesn't sound right for me :(

Eniweyz, since my eyes' starting to cry again, I want to share my husband's picture below, the person who went through it all,  the person who cared for me and our baby even though we had Alanna for a very short period of time. 

date: 19th August 2012
taken at  QHC Belleville Hospital

Capture Your Grief, Day 21: Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

For Capture your Grief Day 21, sharing a photo of a special place in our home for our baby. I decided to take a picture of a place where I put Alanna's urn and some things that people gave us.

Sacred Space

Capture Your Grief, Day 19: Project & Day 20: Charity/Organization

For Day 19 Projects, I don't really know what to share but I guess just the photos that I took and edited to remember losing my baby Alanna. I guess having to work on this photos where I shed tears most of the time will be a huge project for me. Yes it does makes me cry most of the time, always wishing I have Alanna instead and need not to do these things. Especially knowing that the pictures that I'll be taking and editing would not include her on it. But I love taking pictures of things to remember her this is something that I am hoping to do even though it breaks my heart that I can no longer take pictures of her... I guess I can say that I do these things knowing that every shot I think of her.

Here are the most recent ones that I can share as projects inspired by my loss.

Cupcakes made by me and my 3 kids for our daughter's 2-months heaven birthday

My 3 kids with cupcakes we made for our baby Alanna

Happy 2-months heaven birthday
Mommy learned to edit picture because of you!

Cupcakes with messages written by me, KC and Ava.
I'm sure if Diezel knows how to write he would write things for you as well
but for now, mommy wrote for your brother.

learned to make moving pictures
dedicated to you my Alanna

Mommy learned so much because of you Alanna
I love you

For Day 20 Charity/Organization, share your favorite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief? Hmmmm...I guess this is something that I need to work on. I can't think of anything to photograph or anything to share for this. No charity or organization but I guess I have some links/website  that touched my heart on this road.

I've read a lot of story about baby loss when I started my blog and I guess those would be the ones. I would want to write each one of them here but I guess it will take me forever to write them all down but you can find them on the side links of my blog under "Blogs I follow".

2-Months Heaven Birthday

Is it 2 months already?!

October 19th, 2012. Might be insignificant to a lot of people but for me it is my daughter's 2-month birthday in heaven. 

I still remember very clearly, it was two-months ago when you came to my life, held you, smelled you and kissed you but it was also two-months ago when you left me, said good bye and left me confused and heartbroken.

Two-months ago I wish things were different, hope that day should have never existed. But here I am counting   the months that you were gone.

A lot of things have changed for the past 2-months but my heart still aches for you. Still I am waiting for the day that I will wake up, see you and hold you in my arms again.

Woke up this morning and lit a candle for you. I cried. I whispered to you and told you that I love and miss you so much. I prayed and also asked God to take care of you and kiss you for me.

Hope you like the flower I got for you. I plan to bake cupcakes today with your brothers and sister. I love you and miss you so much my baby. For Infinity and beyond~!

XOXO,

Mommy

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Capture Your Grief, Day 18: Your Family Portrait

2012 October Family Portrait

2012 September 19
Family Portrait - Releasing balloon for Alanna
1-month heaven birthday

2012 September 19
My 3 children staring at Alanna's balloon to be released
They said it's for her to play with in heaven

Capture Your Grief, Day 16 & 17: Release & Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

Day 16 and 17 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share a photo of any release of balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves and what we did for our baby's special day. I lost my Alanna August 19th, so on her 1-month birthday which was on Sept 19th, we released balloons for her. We bought flowers and lit candle for her. We just went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner with close family. 

No special Anniversary and my Due date is still coming up next month, which I thought is sad knowing that her one-month birthday has pass and my due date is still coming up in a few weeks. Made me think that I'm suppose to be still pregnant today but here I am writing a blog, remembering and thinking what did I do wrong, and still hopes to wake up from this very bad dream. *sigh*

I have posted pictures of that day on my  previous blog under Happy One Month Birthday to You or simply click Balloon pictures below for more pictures and details.

Capture Your Grief, Day 15: WAVE OF LIGHT

"When a child loses a parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them."

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day across the world. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never comes to terms with their loss. I know because I myself grieve and I also met parents who has lost their children for how many years now but still grieve for them. But again I want to pass and share this, came from a parent that I met, a quote from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, founder of the MISS Foundation: "Grief is not a disease, it is not an illness, it is not depression. It is, in fact, an expression of love. Grief can only be a disease if love is."

I lit candle today to remember my Alanna and all angel babies who have left our arms too soon. I wanted to light more candles but because I have a little boy who thinks candles are for playing and blowing birthdays, I decided to burn one and have one flameless turned on. We did not want any accident in the house but I am still happy to remember my baby and all the parents babies that I've met. Also loved seeing other parents picture their candles on this special day.

I also took video and when the flame danced I felt that Alanna was there:

Family Picture Taken

We had our family pictures taken for the first time yesterday after losing my baby Alanna and of course all I think about was how I wish she was there with us. When we arrive at the studio, I didn't know what to expect. I usually get my kids' pictures taken individually but this time I want a change, on top of my kids pictures, I want to do group family pictures. It was also my first time in that particular Sears studio so I really don't know what to expect. Plus, I know I had to  'suck it up' and put my best smile while I know I am hurting and dying inside.

The photographer called us and he asked me who will be his subject and how I want pictures taken. I told him what I wanted. He started told us where to sit and stand,etc. I noticed it's like pattern, he took my kids pictures individually, then all three of my kids, then our pictures as a family, then my husband and my kids, me and my kids, then all boys, then all girls, and then me and my husband together.  He took lots of different poses and pictures what I thought it will never end. It was an experience, I thought it's an activity that I would want to do with my family, at least once a year would be nice.

When the photographer was done, he asked me if he miss anything, in my head I was thinking, yes he did! my baby Alanna's picture! but of course I did not say that, I simply said we are done. Then we went over all the shoots and had to decide what pictures we want and how we want them developed. For every pictures that I've seen with my kids, I imagine my baby Alanna with us. I wanted to tell the photographer that there is something missing, I thought some pictures were not balance, but again of course I didn't. Especially after he took my husband pictures and my 2 boys, He called me and my daughter. I really wish I have 2 girls.. it would have been perfect. It would have been balance. I miss my Alanna and had to hold my tears again.

But in total, the photo-shoot went well, he took nice pictures and we'll get the printed copy next week. I got the CD right away and so I was excited to look at them at home again. I edited some of them, edited backgrounds and wanted to share it everybody. If only I can edit the picture and add Alanna, I would. But then of course I did not. But that day, in my heart and mind, she was with us taking pictures. Her body might not be present but she will always be a part of our family photo.

I love and miss you my baby Alanna Phoebe!

Our Family Picture

Capture Your Grief, Days 13 & 14: Signs & Community

Signs that she is there close--watching me is when everytime I light a candle and see the flame dance and flicker.

Community-- I have created a group in facebook uniting with people across Canada to provide emotional support and resources to those who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, and to raise awareness of pregnancy/infant loss in CANADA. It's a place to share stories, experiences and support.

Please join our journey --> http://www.facebook.com/groups/ourforeverbaby

Capture Your Grief, Day 12: Scents

I wish I have a special lotion or oil that would remind me of my baby Alanna but I only have a little time with her. If I knew that this will be a part of the 'capture your grief' then I would have applied lotion or oil on her so I have a scent that could always remind me of her. But I still remember how she smelled on that few hours I hugged and kissed her, I don't know how to explain the scent, there is no brand or anything that I can think of comparable to her smell when I last kissed her. I guess it is only me who would know what that special smell smelled like.

Another smell that reminds me of her is that smell when you blow a candle. I guess I've been lighting candles for her for the past few days that everytime we lit and blow the candle always remind me of her. I would say that "Every Candle I lit will always Remind me of my baby Alanna."

Candle during Alanna's Funeral Visitation

candle

Taken on her first month birthday
We released balloon on that day too

Capture Your Grief, Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

Losing Alanna made me realize how family and friends are so important. Through her, I found who my true family and friends are. But the most supportive I would say is my husband, the only person who went through it all and knows what it feels like to lose our baby Alanna because he experienced it too. The person who was there when I want to explode and lose hope. I remember him telling me to be strong and think of our 3 kids. I know we don't always talk about our Alanna but I know in my heart he missed her too. I do hear him sniffs sometimes even if he denies and give me an excuse that it's just his "allergy" I know that he is sad and just trying to be strong for both of us. Below is the picture I found of Daddy (it's what I call him) with my Alanna. The first time I saw this picture, it made me cry and wish that things were different, wish that my baby is with us.

Capture Your Grief, Day 10: Symbol

I don't really have a symbol but when I lost Alanna, I love lighting up candles for her especially watching the flame. I feel that everytime the flame moves and dance and lit up she is there with me.

Finally I finished my Alanna's Birth Story Page

I cried again today but happy that I have finished my story of what happen on that day AUG 19, 2012; After numerous attempts I am publishing the page today. The page that I thought I would never finish. I tried to finish it so that if someone asks what happened on that day I can just send them the link so they can read. I admit, I don't like retelling her story, the bad memories part of it. It makes me cry and it just bring up so much pain. Hoping that one day I will look at it in a different point of view.

So HERE is my story, her story... our story.

I miss you Alanna. This is for you!

Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Special Place

I am not that religious but I found peace going to our church lately. Losing Alanna made me closer to the Lord. 

I also find comfort and peace for as long as I am with my children which is mostly just staying at home. For as long as I am with them I am happy and at peace knowing that each one of them are safe. Losing my baby Alanna made me love them more. 

 

Inside our church: during Alanna's funeral mass

St Barnabas Catholic Church

 

Find peace anywhere for as long as I am with  my FAMILY

Happy Thanksgiving my Baby Alanna

Hi my Baby Alanna,

Happy Thanksgiving! I survived our first holiday without you. I think it was one of the hardest long weekend I spent(so far). I had to smile  and greet everyone "Happy Thanksgiving" and everytime I said those words I remembered you. There were times when I wanted to cry and break into tears. I am glad I was able to control each one of them --my heart still longs for you, I miss you.

Everything reminds me of you, God knows I tried so hard to think about something else but everything bounces back... always thought what it would be like with you, with us as a family....and it just hurts me that I will never know. I will never be with you again, not on this lifetime. I know I shouldn't be crying because I know you are up there with Him but I just can't stop thinking about what it would be like celebrating holidays with you. 

I am thankful though for the little memory that we had together. Mommy learned so much! ' Made me love your brothers and sister more and brought closeness to our family, friends and to God. Its just sad that I learned these things through losing someone I love so much.

I love and miss you my baby Alanna... through Infinity and beyond~!