Our Story: Aug.19.2012

Our baby Alanna Phoebe came out too soon at 28 weeks, she was born early on August 19th, 2012 @ 3 AM and passed away due to her weak lungs on the same day @ 5:03 AM at Quinte West Belleville Hospital.

From the day I have found out I was pregnant everything was going well. There was nothing wrong from her ultrasound check-ups, everything was perfect up until she was born too early. We do not know what went wrong. All we know is she was born early and unfortunately has a very weak lungs.

Her name 'Alanna' is from my husband's name Rolan and my name Anna (Her dad's nickname "lan" and my name "anna"). Her 2nd name 'Phoebe' is from the show 'Friends"(I used to watch that show when I was pregnant with my first child), all my kids 2nd name was from the same show-- WE have their second names Chandler; Monique(monica) and Ross ... and Phoebe for my little Alanna.


Birth Story: August 19th, 2012 
(written October 10, 2012)

It's so hard for me to finish this page and took me awhile to finish it. Every time I start and recall all the things that happened that day, my eyes gets so teary and it felt like something is stabbing my heart-- I had to stop and do something else to do. Everything also happened so fast, I tried as much as I can to write everything I remembered that day. Here's my baby Alanna’s birth story-- at least what I can remember on that day:

It’s supposed to be a nice summer vacation for our family. My family and our relatives rented cottages hoping to enjoy the summer weather for the very last time before the weather gets cold.  Everybody was having fun-- fishing, BBQ, boating, taking pictures, playing cards, making jokes, lots of eating and just enjoying each others company-- just would a normal family vacation would be. I was enjoying my time with my family not knowing that the vacation will turn out to be one of the saddest day of my life.

I remember going to bed earlier than everybody else because I felt so tired and my youngest son is getting hyper and starting to get cranky. AUGUST 19th, 2012-- it was around 1 AM, I woke up because I felt pain in my belly-- I thought it's just a regular pain, thought that maybe it's something that I ate earlier. The pain became every 5 minutes apart. I woke up my husband and I told him that I wasn't feeling good and I was having pain. It's my 4th pregnancy but I didn't know that what I was feeling was already contractions. Why would a mother not know that her baby is coming?

My husband saw that I was so uncomfortable with the pain, so he said we should go to the hospital. In my head, I was hesitating to go because I thought that this is just an ordinary pain and it will go away. I thought that this can't be the day I'm going to have a baby, I was only 28 weeks pregnant, and that’s too soon.Again, why did I not know? Around 2 AM, the pain became unbearable; I finally decided to go to the nearest hospital. My husband woke up my brother-in-law to take care of our 3 kids as they were still sleeping.

We did not know the area that much but when we were on our way to the cottage, my husband told me that he saw a hospital sign close by. The GPS also helped him find the hospital location. The closest one was about 45 minutes away from where we were. (Not that close?) The drive to the hospital was so unforgettable—I thought it's the longest ride and a nightmare of my life.

The ride was long but it seems that everything was happening so fast. My contractions got worst and it came every 2-3 minutes apart. I was having problem looking for a sitting position, trying to relax and not to worry my husband because I want him to concentrate on his driving. I think I was squirming like a worm in the chair, trying to sit in a position where I won't feel much pain. We were about 20 minutes away from the hospital, then what I feared happened--my water broke! That's when I realize that I will be having a baby that day. I guess at the back of my head I knew, but I was in denial that this is happening so soon.  Not yet, I'm only 28 weeks!—it’s not the right time and we were in a wrong place!

I knew my husband was already driving as fast as he can but I remember telling him to speed up even though  I know that we were already going over our speed limit. The contractions and the pain became worst than ever after my water broke.  I remember seeing all the red stop lights, street after street after street...it felt like a never ending red stop lights. I told my husband to drive pass the red stop lights since it was around 2:30ish and there were no cars on the road anyway. Everything was just happening so fast. Then I felt a bump coming out, I remember shouting to my husband "Oh my God. I think I feel her head coming out!" I was so scared; I did not know what to do. I started to cry. I did not want to hurt my baby's head. In my mind, I told my baby to hang in there and don't come out until we get to the hospital. I guess for some reason she heard me and she stayed inside of me. Then I saw the hospital emergency sign, I felt relieved. We stopped in the emergency area and I told my husband to call someone inside because I don't think I can walk anymore. Then I felt something is coming out again. I knew it was my baby's head. Again, things where happening so fast. The guy came with a wheelchair. I can't stand, or walk or sit on that wheelchair, I felt her head already out. I saw nurses and I told them that I don’t think I can move because I feel my baby's head is out.  I was wearing pants that time, decided to strip my pants off inside the car, I don't care if I'm half naked, in my mind I just did not want to hurt my baby. I wanted to push, I don't want to hurt my baby. Then in seconds I saw people with stretchers, a lady nurse told me to transfer. I told her again that I can't move, I was crying so hard already. I told her that I need to push because I feel her head already out. She then got a blanket and told me to push. Then in seconds, she was out. I was transferred in the stretcher then she put her on my chest wrapped in blanket while they push us inside the hospital.

Everything was blurry, but I remember looking at my baby and was worried that I did not hear her cry. All babies supposed to cry after delivery, right? I guess the nurse saw me, I kept looking at my baby and I remember the nurse asking the other nurse how's the baby. I remember she told her that the "baby is fine". I was so reassured with what I heard. They brought her in the NICU, and then I was put in an operating room where they stitched and cleaned me up. They separated us, if I knew that that would have been the last time I will see her alive I would have not left her. Why did I not make sure that she is okay before leaving her? Why would a mother leave her baby alone and not making sure that she is ok?

In the operation room, the nurse asked me so many questions. Do I smoke, do I drink, taking any other medications, allergic to anything, how many kids… many questions. I didn't mind because I guess its procedure as they don’t have any records of me. The nurse even asked me how I will be feeding my baby, “bottle or breastfeed?” I remember she was explaining to me that this time feeding her will be a little different; that I might need to use machine to store milk for her. After answering more of her questions she left the room while my husband and I stayed in the room to wait for our baby.

We were both smiling and he even text my brother-in-law (who was watching my other kids that time) that I did deliver my baby and ask them to come afterwards. I remembered telling my husband happily that I’m so excited that I have a summer baby because all my 3 kids where born winter time. I was planning for her future, her birthday parties. We chatted happily and recalled what just happened to us in the car and how I delivered so fast with no epidurals.

After few more minutes, I told my husband to go check on our baby. He went out the room then after few minutes he came back and told me that she is fine. My husband and I were again smiling and were planning on getting things for her. Things that we need because she came out so soon that we did not have anything with us. We did not have No diaper bags, No diapers, no baby clothes, not knowing that we will be going home with NO BABY.

We relaxed and waited. Then after a few more hours, a doctor and a nurse came. I felt there is something wrong. I can see on their face and the way they enter the room slowly that something is not right. One of them slowly spoke and then my world stopped. I did not want to hear what she was telling us. I wanted to shout at her, that what she is saying is not funny. I wanted to hurt someone, I don't know what to think, don't want to think. I was having problem understanding her but deep inside I know what she was trying to say-- my baby is dead.  I wanted to run and find my baby where I saw her last and see for myself. I want to go out the room to see for myself and to tell the doctor that she was just lying. My heart broke into million pieces and I did want to cry but when my husband hugged me, I cried. My husband told me to be strong. We both cried in each others arms. I did not want to look at him crying. My heart just can’t bear him crying. 

The doctor asked us if we have questions. I did not have any questions to ask. I guess I was still shock, trying to grasp what has just happened. I still can’t believe that she is gone. Part of me wants to see if these people are telling me the truth. I am now regretting that I did not ask questions because lately I have so many  questions. I want to know why she died, how she died or if she suffered.

They asked us if we want to hold our baby, I remember my husband said that he is not ready and he looked at me with questioning eyes. I told him that I want to see and hold her right away. I want to see for myself. He agreed and then they told us that she will bring her in our room. Then the nurse came with my baby wrapped in a blanket. I hold her and hugged her. She was still warm and soft, so little and so innocent. She was so beautiful and I thought she looked like her sister, so hairy. Counted her finger and toes, there is nothing I see that is missing. She is so perfect. But how can a baby looking so perfect die?

I wanted to hurt myself that time, that maybe if I hurt myself I would wake up; hoping that this is just all a bad dream and I will wake up and find myself pregnant back in the cottage with my kids.

I whispered to her to wake up. I told her that she needs to wake up because her brothers and sister were waiting for her. I whispered to her so many times but she just did not move; she did not wake up. I tried to tickle and wake her up again, and again but nothing worked. I ask God for a miracle, I told him to bring her back. I ask Him not to take her away. But then He did. I knew in reality that she will never come back. My baby is dead.

I don't understand God's plan, honestly, I am still searching for answers why he did this. I still talk to Him hoping that someday I will be enlighten. I do know that God blessed us by letting us have Alanna even for a short period of time. I rejoice knowing that someday I will spend eternity with her and looking forward to see her again.

I miss Alanna big time. I miss her every minute of everyday. She will be in my heart forever. She took a part of my heart that day and I am happy she did. It belongs to her and I will always be grateful of that space. It will be a forever mark of our union.  She will never be truly be gone, I will hold her safe in my heart forever--for infinity and beyond~! 


["I'm sharing these pictures -- a picture paints a thousand words"]

I was smiling after delivery thinking
that everything was ok :(
We were even planning what to buy for her that day, knowing that
she will need lots of things because we didn't have any stuff for her at all.
Then the news came that would change our life forever,
This is my FIRST picture of me with my daughter Alanna.
Broke my heart knowing that I will never hear her cry,
I won't know what it feels like to comfort her
when she cries or get hurt.
*thought that in this picture she was crying*
I told her to wake up;  told her that her brothers and sister
are  excited and waiting for her to meet her...
but she never did open her eyes,
Knowing my kids won't experience what it's like to be with her
broke my heart again. Didn't know how will I tell my kids that
their baby sister is gone.
Alanna's First picture with her dad.
I know he was trying to be strong that day,
but I know that he is crushed inside.
A kiss from daddy. 
I remembered this picture,
 I  cried because it looks like she wanted to hold tight.
And does not want to let go
We will hold your hand again...
Our forever Baby

Angel that came with
Alanna's things from the hospital
where she was born
Alanna's Cross from the
church and funeral homes
Thanks to Grandma Romy

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