Friday, 28 September 2012

Messages, prayers and notes from my young niece and son

Yesterday, we had dinner and prayed with our close family and friends for Alanna's 40th day and I just want  to share the following message/prayer that my 2 nieces gave us. 

Thursday, 27 September 2012

40 days

40th day -- Has it already been 40 days? Why is the pain still there, still fresh? Jesus went to Heaven after 40 days so for of us this will be your last day and you will be up there looking from above instead of here with us.But even though you are not going to be here any more in my heart I will always love and hold you. I guess I should be happy because now you are going to be with Him, you are going to be in good hands. You won't feel pain and you will be with other angels.

We are going to pray tonight for you. Dinner and prayer tonight for my Alanna with family and close friends. Mommy will again have to hold her tears so please help Mommy.

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in His arms. I have you in my heart. #Alannas-40-days


Information I've found about 40 days:

When someone dies, we traditionally perform the memorial on the 3rd, 9th, and 40th days following the repose (counting the day of death as the first day), as well as on the yearly anniversary. The 3rd day is in honor of the Trinity, the 9th in honor of the nine ranks of angels with whom we all hope to be numbered, and the 40th day is a symbol of cleansing and perfection.

The symbolic use of the number 40 is a recurrent number in both the Old and New Testament. God caused it to rain for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth in the time of Noah; the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years to prepare themselves to enter the Promised Land; Jesus fasted and prayed for 40 days before beginning his ministry. As Jesus was taken to Heaven on the 40th day after resurrection, then, according to the Orthodox canon, the soul's arrival to God is celebrated on the 40th day after the person's death.

In other traditions, Heaven was believed to have 40 gates. After death, the soul had to walk from gate to gate for six weeks and give away one sin at every gate, returning home to sleep every now and then -- sometimes as a butterfly, as believed by some people. After that, the soul was to be granted a place in Heaven. From a psychological standpoint, the 40-day commemoration is important, for it takes about six weeks for a person to begin to really comprehend the death of a loved one.

In practice, the 3rd-day commemoration is usually the funeral service itself. The 9th-day commemoration, in most cases, is observed with a prayer of the rosary followed by a recitation of the litany. The 40th day is often observed with a meal following the service. This commemoration should, if at all possible, take place on the 40th day itself, but often is served on a Saturday or Sunday after Liturgy so that as many of the family and friends can take part as possible. The annual commemoration of the day of death is likewise a very solemn event, especially the 1st, 5th, and 10th anniversaries. These 40-day and yearly commemorations are very important and should always be held.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

A place for my baby Alanna's urn

We have been looking for a place in our house to put Alanna's urn because she has been sitting there in our buffet table. When we got her urn, we temporarily put her on the table since her candle and flowers were already set there. And I guess, because we don’t really know where to put her urn. Who would have known that we would need a place to put something like an urn in a home? It is so unexpected. 

I don't mind her on the table because I like seeing her there when I'm on my laptop or watching TV. It’s in the middle of our house so when I do something in the kitchen or in the living room, I can always take a peek and see her lit candle and her urn. When I write something on my blog, I find it heartwarming that she keeps me company and that she's there watching me, while I pour my emotions out. Sometimes, when my mind is blank or feel empty, I find peace just staring at her lit candle. Love it that I can just easily whisper things to her whenever I miss her. But then lately, when my kids come home from school, they don't have a place to do their homework. They've been doing their homework on the table for the past few years and now that we have put her urn on the table, they keep on hitting her urn and candle with their school stuff from school.

Yesterday, I found a perfect place to put her, in a cabinet made of glass that has been sitting in our bedroom empty. I remember my sister-in-law[thank you Ate Fe!] giving it to us when we first moved in our house and it’s been there on top of our side table empty since and I thought that this is a perfect place to put her urn and memorabilia.

I’m happy that she is there close to me hoping that when I go to sleep she’ll be in my dreams. 

Took a picture of it and hoping to put more stuff for her in the future.

Alanna's Cabinet with her Urn and Memorabilia

Also got a white bear with Alanna's name on it from my sister-in-law["Tita Jane"--Thank you!] yesterday. So touched. I love the bear's smell and reminded me how Alanna smelled when I had her in my arms. She smelled so sweet and felt so soft. 

White Baby bear for Alanna from Jane and Family
~Thank you~

Friday, 21 September 2012

Unsuccessful.. Again

Hi Alanna,

I tried so hard to finish your story but just needed to stop writing again. So badly want to finish it before I forget everything but my tears kept flowing again. I love you and miss you.

Let me stop for now and hope to continue later on.

Love you,

PinWheels from Heaven

I want to thank Shauna for the lovely pictures that she took for Alanna. I was so touched because I sent my request 2 days prior to Alanna's 1-month birthday. Hoping to see them before her 1-month birthday, I asked if it is possible for me to get them before her special day and to my surprise she did it for me. Again, I felt that

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Happy One Month Birthday to You

September 19th, 2012-- Time Flies. You would have been one-month-old today. I remembered your brothers and sister's one-month-old  birthday, we always celebrate it just at home(just us and sometimes very close family)  and I always ask Daddy before coming home to buy a special cake so we can take lots of pictures and pretend each one blows their candle.

These past few days, I have not been sleeping properly thinking about what to do on this day. I didn't know how to celebrate your one-month-old birthday. I want it to be special for you even if you are not here with us. I decided not to have any cake but this time to release balloons for you, maybe that way those balloons will reach you and you have something to play with. (How I wish your brothers and sister can play with you instead.) We also decided to eat outside instead of staying home. Maybe that way, I wouldn't be thinking of  losing you that much.

So today, before Daddy came home I text him to get you balloons and flowers. We released three balloons, one from your big brother 'Kuya' KC, the other is from your big sister 'Ate' Ava, and the last one from your 'Kulet' brother Diezel. (You probably have received them by now so I hope that you liked them.) I know Daddy bought 5 balloons and a princess pink balloon, but your brother popped one and so we've decided to keep one balloon and pink one-- your brother was crying for them. He did not want to let go of the balloon he was holding but I had to explain to him that it is for you, his "ading" so eventually he did let it go. He even said 'I love you ading! bye!' (I had to hold my tears because he is too young but he always mention your name--His 'ading') I'm sure you were watching us from above. I still wish things were different but I guess you are meant to be there than with us. I love you and miss you Alanna.


We love and miss you


pink rose flowers this time
we've been lighting candles everyday
urn and flower
Wish you can play with you bros and sis

looking at your balloons

Dad and Mom
KC waving bye to the balloon
Kuya KC release the balloon first
Ava found a dandelion and made a wish
Ate Ava her turn to let go of the balloon
Diezel's turn to release ballon with Mom and Dad
see the balloon? up in the sky

Monday, 17 September 2012

Welcome home my baby

Its been 4-weeks-and-1-day, we went to church today and went to the funeral home to finalize everything. We planned to choose an urn to bring my baby Alanna's ashes home. We wanted to do this before her 40 days. I was feeling a bit scared to go back in the funeral home, being there brings sadness because

Thursday, 13 September 2012

I Love You

Just saw these and I thought of you my dear Alanna.

I Love You...
          You are Mine ...
Your Name is written upon My heart
Your prayers are precious for Me.
Your life is in My hands.
         I am always with you.
         I am nearer to you than your own heart.
         I gave My life so that you might live forever with me
So can I ask you to be mine?

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Out with friends after loss

Hi Alanna,

Mommy went out for the very first time with close friends without daddy, your Kuya KC, Ate Ava and your hyper brother Diezel last night. I was hesitating to go out because I felt that I was not ready yet but then I thought that maybe this is my chance to test myself in a public place. Atleast if mommy breaks down, I have your Tita Jhen, Tita Janette, Tita Jane and Pugay to help me out.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Crying Again

Hi baby,
Here I am crying again thinking of you. I swear to God I tried so much everyday telling myself “Today is the day I am NOT going to cry” but then after few minutes my heart will just give in. Here I am–hating myself because I am so weak I cant move on. Is it only me? when will I ever stop crying? Im sorry baby if Mommy cry so much… your time with Mommy was just not enough. I miss you and love you Alanna.
missing you,

Monday, 3 September 2012

How many kids?

Two weeks past since I lost my baby Alanna. We went to Fantasy Fair just to have fun with my family. Its been so lonely in the house that I wanted to go out and spend my time with my husband and kids. I thought I need some air, I need to breathe. I was hoping to forget the loneliness, pain and emptiness in my heart.

There I sat in a bench staring at my kids enjoying their day. A lady sat with me and she started to have conversation. I guess she saw me smiling and staring at my kids while they were playing, then she asked me "How many kids do you have?" It hit me so hard! It’s like being stab in the heart so many times! I wanted to run and escape. I wanted to disappear. How do I answer that question? I thought to myself why would this lady ask me that question? Doesn't she know that my Alanna was just recently taken away from me?! Of course, I know that she doesn't know but a part of me wanted to tell her to leave me alone. But then I needed to answer her. I had to pause and think. Then I blurted and said "3 kids!" I felt a stab in my heart and tried so hard to hold back my tears. I thought of my baby Alanna after—should I have said 4 kids? I'm just scared that she will ask what happen to my baby, I’m just not ready yet I know I will cry there and then. It’s too painful to remember that I have lost my baby. How will I ever answer that question?? What is the right answer??!?

My 3 children and I am missing one

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