Friday, 5 October 2012

First Visit with my OB after Loss - DId not go very well

Met with my OB this week and I thought I will have all the questions that is bothering my head lately. I thought I was OK when they told me in the hospital how my baby died. But then one time, I was reading some blogs and came to a site where they offer to share memories of children on their website. I wanted to put Alanna's name on their list when a question stopped me, it says "Cause of Death". I had to pause, it's like putting "weak lungs" is not the right word, its just not enough. It hate myself that I don't have enough information why my baby died. I remember when they told us that she died because she has a weak lungs, they ask us if we have any questions but why did I not ask them any questions?!!? and now I have all this questions in my head that I don't know WHO has the answers and WHERE can I get the answers? I want to know what is the cause of her death! I want to see her records how she died. I regret not having an autopsy for her, the thought of having someone cut her up is just unbearable but now I regret that decision. I wish I did, I know it will not change anything but I just want to know more information. 

And so I thought that maybe meeting with my OB on my checkup will give me answers but as I feared I came to her office and the wait time is longer than me talking to her. I did not like it when I came in her office, I felt sad because I thought I would have been pregnant still and would have been just going for a regular check up, but here I am waiting for answers. When she came in the room, she asked me if I was breast feeding. I kept quiet, I did not know what to say. I thought and said in my head "REALLY? you are going ot ask me that question?". Then I guess she noticed that I was not talking and then she looked at her folder. Then she ask me so many questions like what happen? did we get to a car accident? She asked me what happen to the baby? I just felt like wringing her neck that time. All my questions in my head just evaporated. She asked me the question that I'm suppose to ask her. I remember her also telling me that "probably if you were closer to the sick kids hospital your baby would have not die!" Then that's it! I was so upset and cried. I thought she was the meanest person in the world and  thought to myself that I will never go back to her ever again. I just wanted to run and get out there right away, I'm so glad that I have my youngest son with me that time or God knows what I would have done. Afterwards, we went to a coffee shop nearby to wait for my husband, while waiting I had to compose myself, I thought that she probably is a very busy person and for her, situation like having her patient's baby die is pretty much her everyday norm. I don't know if I will feel sorry for myself or feel sorry for her but all I know is she was not sorry for what happen, or I guess that's what I felt that day. I guess I know I feel sorry for myself because I still don't have the answers to my questions, I don't know what to do at this point. Should I just let it go? I'm thinking to call the hospital where I delivered Alanna but I just don't have the words to ask. I don't know how to start the conversation. I fear that again I'm stuck here thinking and can't go forward. Hopefully someone, someway someday I will find the answers that I am looking for.


  1. I am so sorry for how your doctor treated you--that is awful! We had an autopsy done on Janessa and it told us nothing. I have no cause of death for her. When I went in to see my doctor after I miscarried Hope my doctor and his nurse treated me like I had a cold or something really common and ordinary and it was no big deal and I felt like screaming my baby died again why are you treating me so awful, but, I didn't I just sat there quiet while my doctor basically starts telling me that it was probably my blood pressure, blah, blah, blah--all I heard was it's all your fault. I left the doctors office in tears and I have never returned. Doctors can be so cruel--for them it may be an ordinary thing, but, they need to learn to have compassion! ((Hugs))

  2. She said the word 'probably' so many times to me... "probably this... probably that". I thought to myself, ' is she reaaly my doctor?' aren't they suppose to know things? She was holding a folder full of papers... did she read them.. Im just sad I went home with no information and was treated badly.. tried to keep it positive by telling myself that she is a very busy person and that she doesn't have the time for me tob hear me vent.. im so heart broken :(


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