Going through it again

It's happening again. My doctor said I am going through depression. I am back to my medication because my moods starting to "act up". Can't sleep normally. One day I am all happy, next day I am the saddest person in the whole world. Alanna's death anniversary is coming up. Do I celebrate? What to do? No birthday party for my little girl. Even hard to say "death anniversary". Why not birthday? There are times you just wake up with tears in your eyes. All question. What to do.

Last week, I was getting rid of my kids toys and I see all this baby toys I was saving for Alanna. Pain. I had to stop and had to put them all in the plastic to give away. Some of the toys I imagine how she will be playing with them by this time. Heartache. Ice.

I've dwell enough. I've pretended it never happened. I thought I've survived but it feels like I am drowning again. I don't like this feeling. Weird, crazy feeling. Roller coaster --up and down -- up and down. It's like riding the Ferris wheel when your up you get that feeling, that excitement in your body when it goes down.. Hard to breathe, or is it the heart that sometime you need to inhale and exhale, no actually you feel so light when your up there. Sometimes with the over excitement you feel like you don't want to breath anymore, maybe the pain will go away. But then of course you have to go down that ferris wheel because of the other people waiting for you to come down.

I have been off from work since the past week. I just can't go to work with this feeling that I have. I tried so much to fake happiness until you make a normal life again. Sometimes I have to pretend it didn't happen. Scream. Cry. Just most days I don't know what to do. Don't know where to go.

Stay home-- flashes. reminds you of that day, thinking of what I could have done differently. It's so hard when you know even if you think of it there is nothing you can do. You can't bring the time back. No rewinding. That's it! I can not bring her back. I can't stay home!

Going out-- you see babies, kids. I've never seen so many babies sometimes. You turn left, you turn right. You compare. You think of what it would have been if Alanna is alive. Really hard to be happy. You feel guilty because you see your children happy and in you heart you are missing one. I can't go out!

My children-- Missing one in the picture

I don't really know where to go for the past few days 'til now. I can't go to work, hard to stay home and even just go out. Sometimes you feel you just want to die because  you feel that's the only solution so you don't feel anything. But then, I know my other kids still needs me and this is not the solution. I would want them to feel what I'm feeling. They've already lost a sister, what more if they lost their mother. Unthinkable.

I guess I just need time. Need to hit this wall. Grieve. I know I will be okay and I just need time to heal again. I am down but I know I will be up there. I will be okay.

I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.

Mother's Day Name Event 2013

To celebrate Mother's day, I participated in Catherine's (Gabriel's Mommy @ Twinkle of Twilight) Mother's Day Name Exchange Event to remember our precious babies.  I wrote different angel baby's names in different ways in our property.  I found peace and it is an incredible healing experience.  I thought I am missing one of my children but it felt like I have a lot of children when I wrote the babies' names in my list. Wrote some of them inside my house, some of them outside our home in the garden, even in our backyard.

Thank you so much Catherine for organizing this. ♥♥♥

Eden's Wings - my very own handmade bracelet

Got it this week.

Sharing my Handmade Bracelet from Molly at Eden's Wings-- a symbol of healing, hope and remembrance. ❤❤❤

To Molly,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love wearing it! ❤

 Visit Eden'sWing pages --> Facebook or Site.

"E" for Eden's 

One lovely day at the park

One of the struggles since I lost my Alanna is having to have fun again with my kids. After my loss, it felt like I have no right to smile again, no right to be happy. Because there is someone missing.

For those who knew me, I am a person who always smiles and laughs all the time and honestly I am sadly to say that I am learning to do that again(I try). I still do smile and laugh but there is always that part of me that cries, that stings, that still hurts when I am happy especially when that cause of that happiness is when I am with my children. I feel really bad and unfair especially to my kids but it just feel wrong to be happy when I am missing one of my children. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I being unfair? Is this normal?

Last week, we went to the park close to our house as the weather was just perfect. It's a walking distance so we walked while my other two kids went biking alongside. While we  were walking, I found this Rock in the park and thought it's heart shaped! Made me feel that Alanna was there watching over us. I felt great and I would say I enjoyed the day because it felt that my children are all in the park. I felt her presence and for that I am genuinely happy. It was a 'one lovely day at the park' ♥

Heart-Shaped Rock I found in the Park
I have regrets leaving it though
I am hoping that if the weather gets nicer and we
decided to go back, I would see it again.

I had to write Alanna's name in the Park's Sand ♥

All my Children in the park ♥

 

Congratulations!

"Congratulations!" really?!

I just got off the phone from a Manager at my Employment Service at work and here I am crying while typing this posts. I thought I need to bring this out by writing  here because it does really stings how a person can say "Congratulations" to me. 

I work in a very big telecommunication company here in Canada so most of the people at work don't know every person and their situations. With so many offices, sometimes you can not tell where is the person you are speaking with. But I think this guy I spoke to is located somewhere in Montreal. His name sounds like french and he talks with a french accent too. I know he does not know what happen to me and my Alanna but I'm sure his notes says that my status is I am on "maternity leave". That's how they coded me at work. I can not blame the guy, he was very nice and everything, we were talking about my over payment at work. He handled the call very well gave me some options in regards to the reason why I called him. He is very helpful and informative but just when we where about to end the call, he had to say congratulations to me. 

Every time I need to call anything about work, I've been scared to talk to anyone because it seems that I had to explain my situation. And of course with no success I always end up shaking and crying at the end especially if I had to tell them I lost my baby. 

Its been awhile since I spoke from someone from work but then I know I had to answer this phone call. I thought I had to test myself with this call, test my self if I am ready to go back, get back on the phones. I want to be able to talk to anyone at work without crying. Plus, this call does not involve me telling what happen to me and my baby (the person I was talking to have no clue that my baby passed away). I thought I will be okay because we will be talking more about finances (which we did). I think I was better though! I was thinking of my Alanna the whole time but I did not cry. Its just when we were saying our good byes he said that word to me. It is good that it was after our conversation, just when we were about to hanged up the phone because my tears were ready to fall. We hanged up that's when I started to cry. 

That word "congratulations" just ringing in my head afterwards. It hurts but I understand why it was said to me. He does not know, he knew I had a baby which I did. He just don't know that I have lost my baby.

I just miss you more Alanna. Makes me question "Why you have to leave so soon?". 

Empty arms and an empty heart,

My life feels so torn apart.

It's not fair, she should be here,

Oh no there goes another tear.

I never got to say goodbye,

Why oh why did she have to die?

Time has passed, what I wouldn't give,

Just to see my daughter live,

A minute, a hour or just one day,

I'd give up anything if she could stay.

Maybe I prayed too much or not enough,

Living in pain is just so tough.

There are no words that can be spoken,

To fix my heart it's already broken.

Kindness from a stranger, a hug from a friend,

The love of my family, the pain doesn't end.

I'll miss her grow, I'll miss her play,

Maybe I deserve to feel this way.

Nothing to do, nothing can be changed,

Living without her, I feel deranged.

Racing thoughts my faith deceiving,

It's been a while but I'm still grieving

Sufficient Grace Ministries

Today, I want to share what I have received yesterday from Kelly's Organization-- Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women. I received both Comfort Bear and Dreams of You Memory Book. I felt so happy and blessed to receive such wonderful keepsake. Holding the bear makes me think about my baby Alanna. The bear feel so soft on my skin like a baby. It just felt so different when you hug the bear. I guess that's why they call it "comfort bear". I had to hold my tears when I opened the huge box. At first I was successful but then when I started reading the memory books contents (comforting scripture from the Bible, inspirational poems, as well as Kelly’s personal story of loss, grief, hope and healing) my tears were just rolling down.  

When my 6-year old daughter arrived from school, she started hugging the bear and instantly fell in love with it. She started putting bracelets and princess crown on it. I just can't help imagining that bear to be her little baby sister.♥♥♥ She was all smiles playing with the bear. 

To Kelly and the members of the Sufficient Grace Ministries-- thank you, thank you so much for everything you've sent me. What you are doing is really amazing.

------

Comfort Bears were created by Kathy Rutter in 2005 for grieving mothers to have something to hold to ease the ache of empty arms. Kathy created each one with a grandmother’s love and prayers. After a valiant battle with cancer, Kathy went home to heaven in October of 2006. Today her legacy continues as the Helping Hands Ministry gathers to sew the bears, sending a grandmother’s love and prayers along with each one.

 

"The Dreams of You Memory Book was created for mothers and families who have lost a baby. It includes places for parents to journal the dreams they had for their baby, their journey of loss and healing, letters to baby, pages to record the baby’s statistics, memorial service, baptism, footprints, mementos, etc. Also included are inspirational poems and comforting scripture from the Bible, as well as the author’s personal story of loss, grief, hope and healing."

MY OWN Comfort Bear and Dreams of You Book

Me after opening the box from Sufficient Grace Ministries
Sorry I just finished crying on this picture-- such a mess

Justice for All - Certificate of Life

Alanna's Certificate of Life

Thank you for doing this Ami~! 

Please visit Ami's website "Justice for All"--  Ami makes  the certificate in Justice's memory to give back some peace and comfort to those who have lost a baby. Just as any baby who is conceived or born is issued a birth certificate. She personalized certificates for anyone who has lost a child, or knows someone who has lost a child. Read about Ami, Justice and her work and request your child's own Soul Certificate/ Certificate of Life for free on her site. 

Alanna's Name on the Snow

Just wanted to share Alanna's name on the snow:

Alanna's Snow Names ♥

Alanna's Names and also ClayNames on the Snow

December 27, 2012 --first big snowfall after losing our baby Alanna. I looked at the window and I saw blankets of snow and of course the first thing I did was go out and write Alanna's name. I opened our patio door and felt the cold wind in my face. It felt like being kissed by an Angel, I thought it was my Alanna kissing me in the cheeks. Who knows? I do! I believe that she was there, she gave me a blow kiss from heaven. ♥ 

In the evening, we went out and had to clean our front house, shovel the snow and of course play, play play. OK, ok, honestly Daddy did the clean up, my kids mostly played and I took pictures. Did some snow names on the snow and took photos too. But the best part is my kids enjoying their snow play day. I admit, I felt a sting because I miss Alanna. I've wondered how would it feel like helping her put on her snow clothes or shoes, throwing snowballs at her, or seeing her play with her brothers and sister...again thinking about my "what ifs". 

Love you my Angel Alanna~! ♥♥♥

3 Kids and an Angel

PinWheels from Heaven

I want to thank Shauna for the lovely pictures that she took for Alanna. I was so touched because I sent my request 2 days prior to Alanna's 1-month birthday. Hoping to see them before her 1-month birthday, I asked if it is possible for me to get them before her special day and to my surprise she did it for me. Again, I felt that

Happy One Month Birthday to You

September 19th, 2012-- Time Flies. You would have been one-month-old today. I remembered your brothers and sister's one-month-old  birthday, we always celebrate it just at home(just us and sometimes very close family)  and I always ask Daddy before coming home to buy a special cake so we can take lots of pictures and pretend each one blows their candle.

These past few days, I have not been sleeping properly thinking about what to do on this day. I didn't know how to celebrate your one-month-old birthday. I want it to be special for you even if you are not here with us. I decided not to have any cake but this time to release balloons for you, maybe that way those balloons will reach you and you have something to play with. (How I wish your brothers and sister can play with you instead.) We also decided to eat outside instead of staying home. Maybe that way, I wouldn't be thinking of  losing you that much.

So today, before Daddy came home I text him to get you balloons and flowers. We released three balloons, one from your big brother 'Kuya' KC, the other is from your big sister 'Ate' Ava, and the last one from your 'Kulet' brother Diezel. (You probably have received them by now so I hope that you liked them.) I know Daddy bought 5 balloons and a princess pink balloon, but your brother popped one and so we've decided to keep one balloon and pink one-- your brother was crying for them. He did not want to let go of the balloon he was holding but I had to explain to him that it is for you, his "ading" so eventually he did let it go. He even said 'I love you ading! bye!' (I had to hold my tears because he is too young but he always mention your name--His 'ading') I'm sure you were watching us from above. I still wish things were different but I guess you are meant to be there than with us. I love you and miss you Alanna.

PICTURES TO REMEMBER:

>>>more pictures<<<

We love and miss you
Balloons	pink rose flowers this time
we've been lighting candles everyday	urn and flower
Wish you can play with you bros and sis
looking at your balloons
	Dad and Mom
KC waving bye to the balloon	Kuya KC release the balloon first
Ava found a dandelion and made a wish	Ate Ava her turn to let go of the balloon
Diezel's turn to release ballon with Mom and Dad	see the balloon? up in the sky

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Crying Again

Hi baby,

Here I am crying again thinking of you. I swear to God I tried so much everyday telling myself “Today is the day I am NOT going to cry” but then after few minutes my heart will just give in. Here I am–hating myself because I am so weak I cant move on. Is it only me? when will I ever stop crying? Im sorry baby if Mommy cry so much… your time with Mommy was just not enough. I miss you and love you Alanna.

missing you,
Mommy

How many kids?

Two weeks past since I lost my baby Alanna. We went to Fantasy Fair just to have fun with my family. Its been so lonely in the house that I wanted to go out and spend my time with my husband and kids. I thought I need some air, I need to breathe. I was hoping to forget the loneliness, pain and emptiness in my heart.

There I sat in a bench staring at my kids enjoying their day. A lady sat with me and she started to have conversation. I guess she saw me smiling and staring at my kids while they were playing, then she asked me "How many kids do you have?" It hit me so hard! It’s like being stab in the heart so many times! I wanted to run and escape. I wanted to disappear. How do I answer that question? I thought to myself why would this lady ask me that question? Doesn't she know that my Alanna was just recently taken away from me?! Of course, I know that she doesn't know but a part of me wanted to tell her to leave me alone. But then I needed to answer her. I had to pause and think. Then I blurted and said "3 kids!" I felt a stab in my heart and tried so hard to hold back my tears. I thought of my baby Alanna after—should I have said 4 kids? I'm just scared that she will ask what happen to my baby, I’m just not ready yet I know I will cry there and then. It’s too painful to remember that I have lost my baby. How will I ever answer that question?? What is the right answer??!?

My 3 children and I am missing one