Wednesday, 27 March 2013


"Congratulations!" really?!

I just got off the phone from a Manager at my Employment Service at work and here I am crying while typing this posts. I thought I need to bring this out by writing  here because it does really stings how a person can say "Congratulations" to me. 

I work in a very big telecommunication company here in Canada so most of the people at work don't know every person and their situations. With so many offices, sometimes you can not tell where is the person you are speaking with. But I think this guy I spoke to is located somewhere in Montreal. His name sounds like french and he talks with a french accent too. I know he does not know what happen to me and my Alanna but I'm sure his notes says that my status is I am on "maternity leave". That's how they coded me at work. I can not blame the guy, he was very nice and everything, we were talking about my over payment at work. He handled the call very well gave me some options in regards to the reason why I called him. He is very helpful and informative but just when we where about to end the call, he had to say congratulations to me. 

Every time I need to call anything about work, I've been scared to talk to anyone because it seems that I had to explain my situation. And of course with no success I always end up shaking and crying at the end especially if I had to tell them I lost my baby. 

Its been awhile since I spoke from someone from work but then I know I had to answer this phone call. I thought I had to test myself with this call, test my self if I am ready to go back, get back on the phones. I want to be able to talk to anyone at work without crying. Plus, this call does not involve me telling what happen to me and my baby (the person I was talking to have no clue that my baby passed away). I thought I will be okay because we will be talking more about finances (which we did). I think I was better though! I was thinking of my Alanna the whole time but I did not cry. Its just when we were saying our good byes he said that word to me. It is good that it was after our conversation, just when we were about to hanged up the phone because my tears were ready to fall. We hanged up that's when I started to cry. 

That word "congratulations" just ringing in my head afterwards. It hurts but I understand why it was said to me. He does not know, he knew I had a baby which I did. He just don't know that I have lost my baby.

I just miss you more Alanna. Makes me question "Why you have to leave so soon?". 

Empty arms and an empty heart,
My life feels so torn apart.
It's not fair, she should be here,
Oh no there goes another tear.
I never got to say goodbye,
Why oh why did she have to die?
Time has passed, what I wouldn't give,
Just to see my daughter live,
A minute, a hour or just one day,
I'd give up anything if she could stay.
Maybe I prayed too much or not enough,
Living in pain is just so tough.
There are no words that can be spoken,
To fix my heart it's already broken.
Kindness from a stranger, a hug from a friend,
The love of my family, the pain doesn't end.
I'll miss her grow, I'll miss her play,
Maybe I deserve to feel this way.
Nothing to do, nothing can be changed,
Living without her, I feel deranged.
Racing thoughts my faith deceiving,
It's been a while but I'm still grieving

Monday, 25 March 2013

Photo from Angel Wings Memorial Boutique

To Lea @ Angel Wings Memorial Boutique (in honour of her son Nicholas): Thank you for the angel wings photo with Alanna's name. ♥♥♥. I am hoping in the future I will be able to get an angel wings mailed to me. For now I am very thankful for you taking the time to take this photo.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Happy 7-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Tagalog- pito 
French- sept
Spanish- siete
Ukrainian- sim (in Latin alphabet)
Russian- syem (in Latin aphabet)
German- sieben
Japanese- shichi/nana (depending on context)
Portuguese- sete
Italian- sette
Mandarin- qii (hold i) (phonetically)
Korean- eel gohp (phonetically)

SEVEN months I've carried you in my womb and now here I am counting the 7-months that you were gone. You would've been 7-months old today here in my arms but then you are up there in heaven for 7 months. 

Today marks your 7-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna.
Tomorrow marks the day when I lost you longer than I carried you... longer than 7-months.

It makes me lonely that I was not given more than 7-months to carry you or even more than 7-months to take care and be with you. But a part of me makes me happy because that 7-months led me in meeting people all over the world and finding the BL Community. I've met wonderful people who have lost their child for more than I've lost you and here they are still there and remembering the baby that they have lost. It is sad that there are so many babies who came and gone too soon made me realize that I am not alone. For that past 7-months I grew and you made me a better person I want you to know.

For 7-months I've grieved and I am still grieving but grieving is not bad. I want to share:
"Grieving is NOT a disease, it is NOT an illness, it is NOT depression. It is, in fact, an Expression of Love. Grief can only be a disease if Love is."

Happy 7-months heaven birthday. I love you my angel Alanna. For infinity and beyond~!

I also want to share a keepsake necklace with Alanna Phoebe's name on it. It came in the mail today on her special day from Jim and Larisa Barth's Held your Whole Life in honor of their little warrior Asher Finn. Please visit their site to read what they do to honor babies born in silence. 

I was also surprised when I saw that I was sponsored by Kyla from Tossie's Tree in memory of her son Tossie. I was not expecting that someone I met from the BL Community to do this for me. I never knew her personally but here she sponsored us and bumped me on top of the list. I was so touched that she remembered me and my Alanna. And the best part of it is, it came on Alanna's 7th-month Heaven Birthday. What more can I ask for today? To Kyla and her family (especially to Tossie~of course) my whole hearted THANKS! Thank you for what you did, your generosity and you remembering me on that long list on their site. I don't know how you did it but thank you so much! 

Sunday, 17 March 2013

St Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Nothing much to say today. It has been a crazy and fun week and so today is more of staying at home with your brothers and sister just tidying up the house as usual.

Thank you Catherine
Also last day before after March Break! Guess who slept in? I woke up and look for them and I saw your brothers and sister sleeping in the living room. Please continue watching over them my baby angel Alanna. ♥♥♥

One of those days when I thought of you and think
"what would it feel like if you are here my Alanna?"

Mother's Day Name Event - Twinkle of Twilight

Thinking of what to do for up coming Mother's day? Catherine, Gabriel's mom is hosting a Name Event to remember our precious babies together. To read and participate go to TWINKLE of LIGHT.

Last day of sign up will be April 18th.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Father-In-Law's Death Anniversary

Today, we remember my father-in-law-- Tatang Rosito, his 4 year Death Anniversary. Another person who I know is watching over my baby Alanna.

"Tatang I  hope you are taking care of my baby Alanna like the way you took care of my KC and Ava when they were babies. We miss you~!"

Just sharing a photo of my Father-in-law
This was created by my Niece in the Philippines

Sufficient Grace Ministries

Delivery from Sufficient Grace Ministries
Today, I want to share what I have received yesterday from Kelly's Organization-- Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women. I received both Comfort Bear and Dreams of You Memory Book. I felt so happy and blessed to receive such wonderful keepsake. Holding the bear makes me think about my baby Alanna. The bear feel so soft on my skin like a baby. It just felt so different when you hug the bear. I guess that's why they call it "comfort bear". I had to hold my tears when I opened the huge box. At first I was successful but then when I started reading the memory books contents (comforting scripture from the Bible, inspirational poems, as well as Kelly’s personal story of loss, grief, hope and healing) my tears were just rolling down.  
When my 6-year old daughter arrived from school, she started hugging the bear and instantly fell in love with it. She started putting bracelets and princess crown on it. I just can't help imagining that bear to be her little baby sister.♥♥♥ She was all smiles playing with the bear. 

To Kelly and the members of the Sufficient Grace Ministries-- thank you, thank you so much for everything you've sent me. What you are doing is really amazing.

Comfort Bears were created by Kathy Rutter in 2005 for grieving mothers to have something to hold to ease the ache of empty arms. Kathy created each one with a grandmother’s love and prayers. After a valiant battle with cancer, Kathy went home to heaven in October of 2006. Today her legacy continues as the Helping Hands Ministry gathers to sew the bears, sending a grandmother’s love and prayers along with each one.
Comfort Bear for Grieving Mother from Sufficient Grace Ministries
"The Dreams of You Memory Book was created for mothers and families who have lost a baby. It includes places for parents to journal the dreams they had for their baby, their journey of loss and healing, letters to baby, pages to record the baby’s statistics, memorial service, baptism, footprints, mementos, etc. Also included are inspirational poems and comforting scripture from the Bible, as well as the author’s personal story of loss, grief, hope and healing."

Comfort Bear and Dreams of You Book
MY OWN Comfort Bear and Dreams of You Book

Me after opening the box from Sufficient Grace Ministries
Sorry I just finished crying on this picture-- such a mess

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Subway Art

Subway Art piece for my Alanna received first week of February 2013 from a fellow Canadian-- Angela. I love it and I want to thank you Angela; thank you from picking out words/phrases from my blog for the wonderful piece! Visit her blog, to request or read about Angela, Mattias, Marcus and their family's journey --giving hope to others.

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