Ups and downs has always been part of life and things happen but wouldn't it be nice if everyone could simply rejoice without balancing it out especially after losing a baby? With my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven it's been a struggle for me balancing my life. I am so full of mixed emotions that I think I am numb. My son's birthday came and I am glorious that he is now 3, we had a party for him with close family and friends but then a part of me grieve that we are having all this party when my daughter lost her life. But then how can I be sad when I have a son that celebrates another year of his life? Is it just me? can someone tell me that this is normal?
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| Me carrying daughter Alanna and my son Diezel's 3rd bday party |
I am trying to get back into 'normal life', emotions brought up by my baby's death few months ago going all over the place and the life that I use to have before and after my loss. I am a mess! Not that anything is going wrong it is just that emotionally I am a mess. Am I going crazy? The past months have been weird because I never know when something is going to trigger emotions that remind me of my Alanna. Much of these things are the things that I do with my kids where I know that I will never do with my baby. All I can do is imagine and say my 'what ifs'--so sad.
I wish there are books to read or classes that I can attend to so I can learn how to balance my life back. I guess this is my normal me. Maybe just need to accept that things have changed, life have changed, that I have changed and this is the new me! C'est la vie!?! ["Such is life"]
