Revisiting the Funeral Homes

We were waiting for our turn because
someone was there before us 

Last Sunday, we went to Ogden Funeral Homes where Alanna's visitation was done. We got a letter from them a few weeks back inviting us to come to the funeral home to light a Candle of Remembrance in memory of our dear beloved Alanna. For the month of December, they have this special area where bereaved families can stop by and light a candle so before Christmas we thought of visiting Ogden to light a candle and to  remember our missed baby Alanna. 

Alanna's Big brother writing on the guestbook. He lit a candle for his little baby sister Alanna. It was his first time lighting a candle  using matchsticks ♥♥ We had few laughs when he tried to lit it up. He ended up using the  other burning candle to lit the matchstick.

Alanna's big sister saying a little prayer and doing her little speech ♥♥, talking to Alanna in her own way. Almost made me cry because she was so shy but she said she missed her and greeted her "Merry Christmas"

   

We miss you baby Alanna. It is heartbreaking to go back to a place where people came to visit our baby daughter for the first and last time to remember and pay respect. I still remember those people who came. Flashbacks-- sad and happy thoughts came. It is sad to think what took place on that place but I am happy that family, relatives and close friends came to sympathize and support our family during those hard times. 

Me and my daughter lit a candle for our missed baby Alanna

@ Ogden Funeral Homes

We also got a special souvenir ornament that we can hang on our Christmas Tree this Christmas from Ogden Funeral Homes. ♥♥♥

from Ogden Funeral Homes

My Children, my kids, my love

I was going through your brothers and sister's pictures and I can see the difference of how they grow through the years. It bring heartaches that I can only picture you as a baby but it so nice to know that you will be my forever baby. I am sad that I can no longer take pictures of you my Alanna but today I found a cool app while going through my Ipad. I want to share it to everyone. Even if I can no longer take your pictures with us I want to do collages with our family with you. 

You will always be in my heart my forever baby.

I love and miss you,

Mommy

can you see where is my Alanna?

Capture Your Grief, Day 18: Your Family Portrait

2012 October Family Portrait

2012 September 19
Family Portrait - Releasing balloon for Alanna
1-month heaven birthday

2012 September 19
My 3 children staring at Alanna's balloon to be released
They said it's for her to play with in heaven

Family Picture Taken

We had our family pictures taken for the first time yesterday after losing my baby Alanna and of course all I think about was how I wish she was there with us. When we arrive at the studio, I didn't know what to expect. I usually get my kids' pictures taken individually but this time I want a change, on top of my kids pictures, I want to do group family pictures. It was also my first time in that particular Sears studio so I really don't know what to expect. Plus, I know I had to  'suck it up' and put my best smile while I know I am hurting and dying inside.

The photographer called us and he asked me who will be his subject and how I want pictures taken. I told him what I wanted. He started told us where to sit and stand,etc. I noticed it's like pattern, he took my kids pictures individually, then all three of my kids, then our pictures as a family, then my husband and my kids, me and my kids, then all boys, then all girls, and then me and my husband together.  He took lots of different poses and pictures what I thought it will never end. It was an experience, I thought it's an activity that I would want to do with my family, at least once a year would be nice.

When the photographer was done, he asked me if he miss anything, in my head I was thinking, yes he did! my baby Alanna's picture! but of course I did not say that, I simply said we are done. Then we went over all the shoots and had to decide what pictures we want and how we want them developed. For every pictures that I've seen with my kids, I imagine my baby Alanna with us. I wanted to tell the photographer that there is something missing, I thought some pictures were not balance, but again of course I didn't. Especially after he took my husband pictures and my 2 boys, He called me and my daughter. I really wish I have 2 girls.. it would have been perfect. It would have been balance. I miss my Alanna and had to hold my tears again.

But in total, the photo-shoot went well, he took nice pictures and we'll get the printed copy next week. I got the CD right away and so I was excited to look at them at home again. I edited some of them, edited backgrounds and wanted to share it everybody. If only I can edit the picture and add Alanna, I would. But then of course I did not. But that day, in my heart and mind, she was with us taking pictures. Her body might not be present but she will always be a part of our family photo.

I love and miss you my baby Alanna Phoebe!

Our Family Picture