Capture Your Grief, Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing

We were not expecting Alanna to come out at 28-weeks, so I did not really had a baby shower. I am sharing though a picture of the only thing that I have received early for Alanna. Baby clothes that came from the Philippines from my niece Rose("Lot-Lot"). I actually ask her to buy me these things and told her that I will send the money for    the cost but she told me that I don't have to pay her in return. 

When my brother-in-law came back from his trip  to the Philippines, he was carrying the baby clothes. I remember I got them few days before I lost Alanna. I didn't even open it up until Alanna's funeral as I was looking for a clothing that she can wear for her funeral. I cried when I saw them because I knew she can never try them and wear them. It was too big for her small body. I have more than one, so I plan to give them away. I am not sure though if I want to keep one set for myself or should I just give everything. I'm not sure yet. I guess when that time comes, I will know what to do with them. 

Also, I want to share the photos below that I consider blessing that was given to us to remember Alanna. Also check my Most Treasure Items Post which is also consider blessing.

cross from the funeral homes

Message in a bottle from her Great Grandma Romy

Bag with Alanna's things from the hospital
From the Hospital where I deliver Alanna

Capture Your Grief, Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Alanna's First Photo - Ultrasound taken Saturday, June 30, 2012. I remember I found out that we are going to have a baby girl.

Our First Meet- First photo of me and my baby
19th Aug 2012 5:42 AM

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go."

My eldest son with his dad saying their goodbyes during Alanna's funeral visitation
"Goodbye for now but we'll meet again"
22.August.2012

Alanna Phoebe. Her first name "Alanna" came from my name and her dad's, from Anna and Rolan (A-Lan-nA). Her second name "Phoebe" came from the show "Friends". All my other children got their second names from the same show.

Also googled her name "Alanna" and "Phoebe" and I found out about these things, it came up with different meanings:

Alanna*

The name Alanna is a baby girl name.

Gaelic Meaning: 
The name Alanna is a Gaelic baby name. In Gaelic the meaning of the name Alanna is: Beautiful. Dear child.

American Meaning: 
The name Alanna is an American baby name. In American the meaning of the name Alanna is: meaning harmony, stone, noble, or fair.

Irish Meaning: 
The name Alanna is an Irish baby name. In Irish the meaning of the name Alanna is: This name of uncertain origin may be a feminine form of Man, or derived from the Irish Gaelic word for 'child'.

Celtic Meaning: 
The name Alanna is a Celtic baby name. In Celtic the meaning of the name Alanna is: This name of uncertain origin may be a feminine form of Man, or derived from the Irish Gaelic word for 'child'.

*(Source: http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/alanna)

Phoebe**

The name Phoebe is a baby girl name.

Greek Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Phoebe is: Daughter of Leda.

American Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is an American baby name. In American the meaning of the name Phoebe is: The shining one. Mother of Leto. Phoebe was one of the names for the Greek moon goddess.

Latin Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Phoebe is: The shining one. Mother of Leto. Phoebe was one of the names for the Greek moon goddess.

**(Source: http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/phoebe)

2-Months Heaven Birthday

Is it 2 months already?!

October 19th, 2012. Might be insignificant to a lot of people but for me it is my daughter's 2-month birthday in heaven. 

I still remember very clearly, it was two-months ago when you came to my life, held you, smelled you and kissed you but it was also two-months ago when you left me, said good bye and left me confused and heartbroken.

Two-months ago I wish things were different, hope that day should have never existed. But here I am counting   the months that you were gone.

A lot of things have changed for the past 2-months but my heart still aches for you. Still I am waiting for the day that I will wake up, see you and hold you in my arms again.

Woke up this morning and lit a candle for you. I cried. I whispered to you and told you that I love and miss you so much. I prayed and also asked God to take care of you and kiss you for me.

Hope you like the flower I got for you. I plan to bake cupcakes today with your brothers and sister. I love you and miss you so much my baby. For Infinity and beyond~!

XOXO,

Mommy

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

A place for my baby Alanna's urn

We have been looking for a place in our house to put Alanna's urn because she has been sitting there in our buffet table. When we got her urn, we temporarily put her on the table since her candle and flowers were already set there. And I guess, because we don’t really know where to put her urn. Who would have known that we would need a place to put something like an urn in a home? It is so unexpected. 

I don't mind her on the table because I like seeing her there when I'm on my laptop or watching TV. It’s in the middle of our house so when I do something in the kitchen or in the living room, I can always take a peek and see her lit candle and her urn. When I write something on my blog, I find it heartwarming that she keeps me company and that she's there watching me, while I pour my emotions out. Sometimes, when my mind is blank or feel empty, I find peace just staring at her lit candle. Love it that I can just easily whisper things to her whenever I miss her. But then lately, when my kids come home from school, they don't have a place to do their homework. They've been doing their homework on the table for the past few years and now that we have put her urn on the table, they keep on hitting her urn and candle with their school stuff from school.

Yesterday, I found a perfect place to put her, in a cabinet made of glass that has been sitting in our bedroom empty. I remember my sister-in-law[thank you Ate Fe!] giving it to us when we first moved in our house and it’s been there on top of our side table empty since and I thought that this is a perfect place to put her urn and memorabilia.

I’m happy that she is there close to me hoping that when I go to sleep she’ll be in my dreams. 

Took a picture of it and hoping to put more stuff for her in the future.

Alanna's Cabinet with her Urn and Memorabilia

Also got a white bear with Alanna's name on it from my sister-in-law["Tita Jane"--Thank you!] yesterday. So touched. I love the bear's smell and reminded me how Alanna smelled when I had her in my arms. She smelled so sweet and felt so soft. 

White Baby bear for Alanna from Jane and Family
~Thank you~

Happy One Month Birthday to You

September 19th, 2012-- Time Flies. You would have been one-month-old today. I remembered your brothers and sister's one-month-old  birthday, we always celebrate it just at home(just us and sometimes very close family)  and I always ask Daddy before coming home to buy a special cake so we can take lots of pictures and pretend each one blows their candle.

These past few days, I have not been sleeping properly thinking about what to do on this day. I didn't know how to celebrate your one-month-old birthday. I want it to be special for you even if you are not here with us. I decided not to have any cake but this time to release balloons for you, maybe that way those balloons will reach you and you have something to play with. (How I wish your brothers and sister can play with you instead.) We also decided to eat outside instead of staying home. Maybe that way, I wouldn't be thinking of  losing you that much.

So today, before Daddy came home I text him to get you balloons and flowers. We released three balloons, one from your big brother 'Kuya' KC, the other is from your big sister 'Ate' Ava, and the last one from your 'Kulet' brother Diezel. (You probably have received them by now so I hope that you liked them.) I know Daddy bought 5 balloons and a princess pink balloon, but your brother popped one and so we've decided to keep one balloon and pink one-- your brother was crying for them. He did not want to let go of the balloon he was holding but I had to explain to him that it is for you, his "ading" so eventually he did let it go. He even said 'I love you ading! bye!' (I had to hold my tears because he is too young but he always mention your name--His 'ading') I'm sure you were watching us from above. I still wish things were different but I guess you are meant to be there than with us. I love you and miss you Alanna.

PICTURES TO REMEMBER:

>>>more pictures<<<

We love and miss you
Balloons	pink rose flowers this time
we've been lighting candles everyday	urn and flower
Wish you can play with you bros and sis
looking at your balloons
	Dad and Mom
KC waving bye to the balloon	Kuya KC release the balloon first
Ava found a dandelion and made a wish	Ate Ava her turn to let go of the balloon
Diezel's turn to release ballon with Mom and Dad	see the balloon? up in the sky

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Crying Again

Hi baby,

Here I am crying again thinking of you. I swear to God I tried so much everyday telling myself “Today is the day I am NOT going to cry” but then after few minutes my heart will just give in. Here I am–hating myself because I am so weak I cant move on. Is it only me? when will I ever stop crying? Im sorry baby if Mommy cry so much… your time with Mommy was just not enough. I miss you and love you Alanna.

missing you,
Mommy

How many kids?

Two weeks past since I lost my baby Alanna. We went to Fantasy Fair just to have fun with my family. Its been so lonely in the house that I wanted to go out and spend my time with my husband and kids. I thought I need some air, I need to breathe. I was hoping to forget the loneliness, pain and emptiness in my heart.

There I sat in a bench staring at my kids enjoying their day. A lady sat with me and she started to have conversation. I guess she saw me smiling and staring at my kids while they were playing, then she asked me "How many kids do you have?" It hit me so hard! It’s like being stab in the heart so many times! I wanted to run and escape. I wanted to disappear. How do I answer that question? I thought to myself why would this lady ask me that question? Doesn't she know that my Alanna was just recently taken away from me?! Of course, I know that she doesn't know but a part of me wanted to tell her to leave me alone. But then I needed to answer her. I had to pause and think. Then I blurted and said "3 kids!" I felt a stab in my heart and tried so hard to hold back my tears. I thought of my baby Alanna after—should I have said 4 kids? I'm just scared that she will ask what happen to my baby, I’m just not ready yet I know I will cry there and then. It’s too painful to remember that I have lost my baby. How will I ever answer that question?? What is the right answer??!?

My 3 children and I am missing one