Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Opening mails - Death certificate BEFORE her OHIP, Birth certificate, what more?

my baby Alanna death certificate
Paper that wish I did NOT have
Alanna's Death Certificate
I was having an 'okay' day yesterday when something came in the mail that afternoon. I always get this weird pump in my heart, like a thug everytime I get mails and see Alanna's name on one of them. Last week I sent the hospital where I  delivered Alanna an authorization form to release all medical information and thought that it's about that but then I saw the Ontario Logo in-front of the envelope so I knew it was something different. So again, my heart leaped and pumped fast, thoughts running in  my head, and thought what could it be?

I opened the envelope and read the heading "Notice of Birth Registration" then after I was so focused on   the words "Statement of Live Birth". After seeing those words I stopped and started crying. I cried so hard that I thought it will never stop so I needed to do something to get it off my head. It again just reminded me of my lost. So sad to think that I got her Death Certificate first then here I am receiving her Statement of "Live" Birth. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around?! Heartbreaking!? YES! Ironic?! NO! because it does happen, I know because it just happened to me. 

my baby Alanna Birth registration
Yes it does remind me but just painful to know that I don't get to use it in the future.
But nice to know that she is someone who LIVED and not just someone who died

The past few months has been so hard for me opening mails that has Alanna's name because my heart keeps on breaking to pieces. Few weeks ago, her health card also came. Wondering and asking why bother sending it to me, there is no Alanna to see? She does not need any medical care? There is no body to check? to weigh or measure height? There is no Alanna! Her health card has an expiration, wow! really? Do I need to renew after it expires? It just when you thought you are on your way moving forward and bang! Dead end! A big wall! A slap in the face! A knife through your heart! Not that I didn't want to be reminded because I don't want to forget her but these things just remind me that I lost her... lost her too soon. The thought of not able to make appointment for her for her monthly check up because her OHIP card has arrived, the thought of applying for her passport because I have her birth certificate just torment and torture my already broken heart.

How I wish a letter from God would come instead and it would say that "She's ready to pick up! Your Alanna is here", or maybe a letter from Alanna saying that says "Mom, I'm coming home!" but I know that would never happen, reality is --my baby is gone. But I know someday we will meet again. I know this is not the end. I have so much to say, but today I will leave you with I miss you and I love you my baby.


  1. Anna, I am so very sorry Alanna is not in your arms. My son Ethan died this past May at just 4 days old (he was born at 28 weeks gestation). I know that mail too well. The first 2 to 2 1/2 months i found the mail very emotional. lots of wonderful letters of love from people, yet lots of medical bills identifying all of the tests/interventions they used to try to say ethan's life. one even said resuscitation...that about knocked me over. one day i received ethan's social security card, his birth certificate and his death certificate at the same time. i too received ethan's insurance card, and have not been able to take it out of my wallet. it's with my insurance card and our older 3 children's.

    so much love to you... i am so sorry we are here together, but perhaps we can find a tiny bit of solace that we are not alone in this lonely grief.

    1. Thank you Annie. I'm sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for commenting, it made me feel that I am not alone ♥♥♥


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