Happy 3rd Heaven Birthday

Happy 3rd Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna.

Can't believe it has been three years my life have changed.  How I look at life differently. How I look at things differently. Wonder what would you look like you turning 3 today. In my eyes I see you as a baby but other days I see you as a little child just smiling and playing in heaven. Wonder what shape eyes you have... my eyes or maybe your dad's chinky eyes. All I can do is wonder, visualize and dream.

Have to bring your brother and sister in their swim class today.. i know you'll be watching from up there. Ate wants to get you balloons for later.


Happy 3rd Birthday Alanna... missing you and I love you.

Happy 11-months heaven birthday

Today, Im writing this post in my Ipad while Im riding the bus to work. I am hoping that by the time Im in the station Ill finish and be able to  publish this post. sometimes great just rising in the bus away from everything. I usually just read things but today I decided to write. (misspelling and quotation may not be used properly because the typing with bus moving and shaking? a bit challenging)

Just want to bring out what I feel lately after11 months of losing my baby. around this time last year, I was pregnant with Alanna NOT knowing that my life will change after a month. I use to think how my life was so perfect. I was so contented, fulfilled and sohappy with my life... got a house, a car, a good job and great family.... And then a new baby coming( how awesome is that?). I was even planning on what Ill be doing on my 1 year maternity leave. Hoping to travel and spend time with my family especially my kids. But here I am... heart broken. 

i cant deny it, there are days where I tried to forget the pain and my loss. i know i have to face now and 'go on' with my 'normal new life'. I have accepted that I am a mother who lost a baby. Yes the pain comes ang goes.. I guess this is it. I am learning to control my feelings and emotions and I think I am good with that. so far so good. The question how many kids? I usually say 3 and just try to inhale and exhale and push back that thought that I should have said 4. Just dont want to be asked so many questions... actually there is one time when I said '4 but I lost one'. They said sorry but this person did not ask more questions. I guess they dont know what to really say.. somewhat I felt that I shut her up. I guess depending on the situation I learn to way things to say to a person, I learn to say when to say 3 or 4.

Small baby steps at a time... thats all I can say for now.. so ironic that I had to use that 'baby' word when I know that the reason Im doing this baby steps is because I lost a baby. 

Til then.. bus station is here.. 

Happy 11 months heaven birthday my Alanna. ❤

Thanks Shauna.. I don't know how u keep track but you always amaze and surprise me.

my view of the bus.. So empty like what im feeling

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Every month I look forward for the date 19 to come up... Wonder why?

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna~! 

Love and miss you.

Last weekend, I've woke up with tears in my eyes.. usually happens when I don't have to wake up and prepare your brother and sister lunch for school. I guess because on weekends I have that time in my bed to think of things that has happen in my life since I've lost you and also the things that happened that day. Flashbacks are always there~! There are still days when I thought of those "what ifs". God knows how I don't want to cry because there is no need to cry but here I am still crying. 

There is still a part of me that blames why you are gone. I am hoping in the future that I will realize things and fully understand things. For now life must go on...

"Everyday brings you one day closer for us to be together."

Please light a candle if you have a chance or say a little prayer. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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Sometimes God picks a flower that's still in full bloom. 

Sometimes the flower that is chosen, we feel He's picked too soon.

We're at peace knowing; in God's heavenly garden,

He has placed the ones we treasure.

You have changed our lives forever.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Happy 7-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Tagalog- pito 

French- sept

Spanish- siete
Ukrainian- sim (in Latin alphabet)
Russian- syem (in Latin aphabet)
German- sieben
Japanese- shichi/nana (depending on context)
Portuguese- sete
Italian- sette

Mandarin- qii (hold i) (phonetically)
Korean- eel gohp (phonetically)

SEVEN months I've carried you in my womb and now here I am counting the 7-months that you were gone. You would've been 7-months old today here in my arms but then you are up there in heaven for 7 months. 

Today marks your 7-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna.
Tomorrow marks the day when I lost you longer than I carried you... longer than 7-months.

It makes me lonely that I was not given more than 7-months to carry you or even more than 7-months to take care and be with you. But a part of me makes me happy because that 7-months led me in meeting people all over the world and finding the BL Community. I've met wonderful people who have lost their child for more than I've lost you and here they are still there and remembering the baby that they have lost. It is sad that there are so many babies who came and gone too soon made me realize that I am not alone. For that past 7-months I grew and you made me a better person I want you to know.

For 7-months I've grieved and I am still grieving but grieving is not bad. I want to share:
"Grieving is NOT a disease, it is NOT an illness, it is NOT depression. It is, in fact, an Expression of Love. Grief can only be a disease if Love is."

Happy 7-months heaven birthday. I love you my angel Alanna. For infinity and beyond~!

I also want to share a keepsake necklace with Alanna Phoebe's name on it. It came in the mail today on her special day from Jim and Larisa Barth's Held your Whole Life in honor of their little warrior Asher Finn. Please visit their site to read what they do to honor babies born in silence. 

I was also surprised when I saw that I was sponsored by Kyla from Tossie's Tree in memory of her son Tossie. I was not expecting that someone I met from the BL Community to do this for me. I never knew her personally but here she sponsored us and bumped me on top of the list. I was so touched that she remembered me and my Alanna. And the best part of it is, it came on Alanna's 7th-month Heaven Birthday. What more can I ask for today? To Kyla and her family (especially to Tossie~of course) my whole hearted THANKS! Thank you for what you did, your generosity and you remembering me on that long list on their site. I don't know how you did it but thank you so much! 

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Happy 6-Months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Time really flies. 6 months already?! I am proud to say the pain is lesser now. Don't get me wrong I still wish she is with me and of course I miss her to the MAX! There is no day that I think of my Alanna but I am here to announced that I have accepted that she will not be with me on this lifetime. HAH! Look at me, typing this while here I am in tears again *PAUSE* deep breath Anna.

I've released the anger that I feel to myself, I know that she is watching me from up there and she would want me to live my life the fullest. She would not want me to be sad and cry everyday because I know that she is with the Lord God. Why should I cry over that? Yes, I am sad that I was not given the chance to spend time with her that long but I am happy that she is up there, with God and the other angels. She is our baby Angel watching over us.

HAHAHAHAHA... OK, I had to type that-- I am in tears and sniffing again. Gosh I need to grab a tissue.

from Debby @ For Your Tears
Thank you!

Today, as per usual I plan to get flowers for Alanna and lit a candle. I'll post pictures on my next post once I got them. I plan to go out with my son in the mall to get what flower I was thinking to get her today. I hope I find the flower plant that I have in mind.

For now, I want to share this Handkerchief that I've received this past week, I want to give thanks to Debby from For Your Tears, she sends out handkerchief to women who have lost a child. Read her post and visit her HERE.

This 'hanky' came very handy today. Thanks Debby ♥♥♥.

OK, got to run and get ready.
Happy 6-months Heaven Birthday Alanna. I love you~!

Happy 5-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Yesterday was Alanna's 5-months heaven birthday. Of course I woke up thinking about what would have been like if she is here with my family. Just imagining her maybe smiling at me, giving her my "sandwich" kiss with her chubby cheeks. 

We bought flowers for you, that's one thing I look forward doing every month. I've never like fresh flowers in the house but when I lost you I look forward choosing fresh flowers for your birthday. I guess it will be "my tradition" buying flower every 19th of the month. Love and miss you Alanna. Hope you like the flower I picked.

Daddy also wants to say "He loves and misses you. You will always be in our hearts."  

5-months heaven birthday

♥♥♥♥♥

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Happy 4-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Happy 4-months birthday Alanna! Mommy miss you. I still wish you are here with us...OMG! I told myself that I am going to write my blog today and try not to cry but no luck, here I am crying while I typed! (INHALE-EXHALE)

OK after wiping my tears let me start again...

♥♥♥ My sleeping flower angel Alanna ♥♥♥

December's not really been that great for me, God knows I tried so hard keeping myself "fine and dandy", still trying to balance my life for my  kids, trying to be happy for them while my heart is so crushed inside for my loss of my precious baby Alanna. 

My daughter turned 6-year-old this month, we spent it at Great Wolf Lodge, which was our first outing as a family together after what happen with Alanna, away from home, away from everybody else. And of course, I saw baby girls in their cute swim suites(again imagining what would Alanna be like if she was there) but I was proud of myself because I was successful, no cries -- OK! I lied, I admit I teared up a bit but quickly wipe them away and look at my 3 kids enjoying their time, having fun in the water. 

I really am having this "Sadappy" feeling inside of me now that the holiday is coming up. My first December in my life that I am not so sure how to celebrate. I guess this is life for me now, a very big change that I am trying to accept and slowly learn... it's like being "reborn" again and learning things to my new "normal" me. The "new normal" that I was not expecting to come, I don't want to be in this position, never planned what's happening withbut unfortunately it is here. Yes, I am learning again how to "live life the fullest", I have to... for my family especially my children. I don't know when and how but I guess God only knows the answers. I really don't know how and when but I know I am trying.

I miss and love you Alanna. Happy 4-months heaven birthday my precious Angel. 

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Happy 3-months Heaven Birthday my Baby

Rose from daddy

Three months has passed and I feel the same. My heart♥ still aches and I still cries for you not being here with me. I am still lost and hanging on, I really wish there are books to learn on how to go on with life and how to ease the pain that I feel everyday. I always have to put that smile for everyone to see, to tell them that I am ok, that I am fine. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breath. I wonder if people knew that my heart is so crushed inside.

This is probably not want you want me to feel but it's there, I am hurting. I always say to myself that yes God has plans for you, easy to say but it just crushes me because this is not what I planned. I say so many things to somehow feel better but my heart always say something different--always longing to be with you.

Sometimes it makes me wonder, is there really heaven? am I a bad person to ask? I ask, but still I always imagine you up in the clouds, with angel wings looking down at us. I hope someone is taking care of you, maybe my papa, 'tatang' or grandma? I hope they are.. all I can do is imagine.

Happy 3-months birthday Alanna! I miss you baby. ♥♥♥

I love the color of these roses.
Daddy bought them for Alanna's 3rd-Month Heaven Birthday

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In memory of our Alanna,-- your brothers, sister and me started doing Baby Clay Names for other babies. I've been meaning to do this so they will remember you, I am just scared that one day they will forget you. But I am very happy that they are always excited to do clay names, theyve been mentioning your name as well. It felt that solid ice of silence is broken, it is ok to mention Alanna's name in our house.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Capture Your Grief, Day 19: Project & Day 20: Charity/Organization

For Day 19 Projects, I don't really know what to share but I guess just the photos that I took and edited to remember losing my baby Alanna. I guess having to work on this photos where I shed tears most of the time will be a huge project for me. Yes it does makes me cry most of the time, always wishing I have Alanna instead and need not to do these things. Especially knowing that the pictures that I'll be taking and editing would not include her on it. But I love taking pictures of things to remember her this is something that I am hoping to do even though it breaks my heart that I can no longer take pictures of her... I guess I can say that I do these things knowing that every shot I think of her.

Here are the most recent ones that I can share as projects inspired by my loss.

Cupcakes made by me and my 3 kids for our daughter's 2-months heaven birthday

My 3 kids with cupcakes we made for our baby Alanna

Happy 2-months heaven birthday
Mommy learned to edit picture because of you!

Cupcakes with messages written by me, KC and Ava.
I'm sure if Diezel knows how to write he would write things for you as well
but for now, mommy wrote for your brother.

learned to make moving pictures
dedicated to you my Alanna

Mommy learned so much because of you Alanna
I love you

For Day 20 Charity/Organization, share your favorite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief? Hmmmm...I guess this is something that I need to work on. I can't think of anything to photograph or anything to share for this. No charity or organization but I guess I have some links/website  that touched my heart on this road.

I've read a lot of story about baby loss when I started my blog and I guess those would be the ones. I would want to write each one of them here but I guess it will take me forever to write them all down but you can find them on the side links of my blog under "Blogs I follow".

2-Months Heaven Birthday

Is it 2 months already?!

October 19th, 2012. Might be insignificant to a lot of people but for me it is my daughter's 2-month birthday in heaven. 

I still remember very clearly, it was two-months ago when you came to my life, held you, smelled you and kissed you but it was also two-months ago when you left me, said good bye and left me confused and heartbroken.

Two-months ago I wish things were different, hope that day should have never existed. But here I am counting   the months that you were gone.

A lot of things have changed for the past 2-months but my heart still aches for you. Still I am waiting for the day that I will wake up, see you and hold you in my arms again.

Woke up this morning and lit a candle for you. I cried. I whispered to you and told you that I love and miss you so much. I prayed and also asked God to take care of you and kiss you for me.

Hope you like the flower I got for you. I plan to bake cupcakes today with your brothers and sister. I love you and miss you so much my baby. For Infinity and beyond~!

XOXO,

Mommy

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Happy One Month Birthday to You

September 19th, 2012-- Time Flies. You would have been one-month-old today. I remembered your brothers and sister's one-month-old  birthday, we always celebrate it just at home(just us and sometimes very close family)  and I always ask Daddy before coming home to buy a special cake so we can take lots of pictures and pretend each one blows their candle.

These past few days, I have not been sleeping properly thinking about what to do on this day. I didn't know how to celebrate your one-month-old birthday. I want it to be special for you even if you are not here with us. I decided not to have any cake but this time to release balloons for you, maybe that way those balloons will reach you and you have something to play with. (How I wish your brothers and sister can play with you instead.) We also decided to eat outside instead of staying home. Maybe that way, I wouldn't be thinking of  losing you that much.

So today, before Daddy came home I text him to get you balloons and flowers. We released three balloons, one from your big brother 'Kuya' KC, the other is from your big sister 'Ate' Ava, and the last one from your 'Kulet' brother Diezel. (You probably have received them by now so I hope that you liked them.) I know Daddy bought 5 balloons and a princess pink balloon, but your brother popped one and so we've decided to keep one balloon and pink one-- your brother was crying for them. He did not want to let go of the balloon he was holding but I had to explain to him that it is for you, his "ading" so eventually he did let it go. He even said 'I love you ading! bye!' (I had to hold my tears because he is too young but he always mention your name--His 'ading') I'm sure you were watching us from above. I still wish things were different but I guess you are meant to be there than with us. I love you and miss you Alanna.

PICTURES TO REMEMBER:

>>>more pictures<<<

We love and miss you
Balloons	pink rose flowers this time
we've been lighting candles everyday	urn and flower
Wish you can play with you bros and sis
looking at your balloons
	Dad and Mom
KC waving bye to the balloon	Kuya KC release the balloon first
Ava found a dandelion and made a wish	Ate Ava her turn to let go of the balloon
Diezel's turn to release ballon with Mom and Dad	see the balloon? up in the sky

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday