I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.

Expected Due Date - November 4th, 2012

November 4 would've been just a regular day to everyone but November 4 is my Expected Due Date. The sad part is nobody knows it but me. No one remembered but me. The day I should have my baby Alanna but then she came too soon... came too soon.

I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried while my family was still sleeping tired from the party last night. I rubbed and felt my tummy while I cried shaking, thinking that if I touched my belly I will feel my baby.. still in there. Honestly, I still wish for the day that I will wake up one day and my baby will be there, hoped that I will wake up from this bad dream but then I know in my mind there will be no baby to hug and kiss and that this is not a bad dream but a reality. My baby is gone...

My husband woke up and saw me crying, he asked 'what's wrong mommy?' I hid my face in the blanket and shook my head and said 'nothing'. Luckily, my kids were awake and they came running in our bedroom so I hugged and kissed them. My family-- the reason for me to go on with life, the reason for me not to lose hope. After few minutes of just cuddling with my kids, I asked my husband what's for breakfast, I had to think of something to avoid his question. Told him I'm starving. I don't know if avoiding the question is the right thing to do but I thought it is. I'm just not sure anymore. I wish there were books to read about what to do, class to attend to learn how to.. but here I am lost and trying to find my way.

It felt like a cold water has been thrown in my face. I think I need someone to really slap me hard in the face, shake me hard and shout to me that my baby is dead! There I said it, my baby is dead! Those words are just so hard to accept even just typing them makes me cry.

Still I ask the questions why? Why me? Why my baby? Why did it happen? Why didn't I know you're coming too early? Why are you not with me, not in my arms? Why has God taken you so early? Why can no one save you? Why? Why? Why? It just hurt so much, it's just so unfair!

My fear came, my baby's due date came and still I don't have my baby Alanna. What happen is not a bad dream--Reality is she is gone. God help me to see, please guide me and give me strength.

40 days

40th day -- Has it already been 40 days? Why is the pain still there, still fresh? Jesus went to Heaven after 40 days so for of us this will be your last day and you will be up there looking from above instead of here with us.But even though you are not going to be here any more in my heart I will always love and hold you. I guess I should be happy because now you are going to be with Him, you are going to be in good hands. You won't feel pain and you will be with other angels.

We are going to pray tonight for you. Dinner and prayer tonight for my Alanna with family and close friends. Mommy will again have to hold her tears so please help Mommy.

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I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in His arms. I have you in my heart. #Alannas-40-days

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Information I've found about 40 days:

When someone dies, we traditionally perform the memorial on the 3rd, 9th, and 40th days following the repose (counting the day of death as the first day), as well as on the yearly anniversary. The 3rd day is in honor of the Trinity, the 9th in honor of the nine ranks of angels with whom we all hope to be numbered, and the 40th day is a symbol of cleansing and perfection.

The symbolic use of the number 40 is a recurrent number in both the Old and New Testament. God caused it to rain for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth in the time of Noah; the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years to prepare themselves to enter the Promised Land; Jesus fasted and prayed for 40 days before beginning his ministry. As Jesus was taken to Heaven on the 40th day after resurrection, then, according to the Orthodox canon, the soul's arrival to God is celebrated on the 40th day after the person's death.

In other traditions, Heaven was believed to have 40 gates. After death, the soul had to walk from gate to gate for six weeks and give away one sin at every gate, returning home to sleep every now and then -- sometimes as a butterfly, as believed by some people. After that, the soul was to be granted a place in Heaven. From a psychological standpoint, the 40-day commemoration is important, for it takes about six weeks for a person to begin to really comprehend the death of a loved one.

In practice, the 3rd-day commemoration is usually the funeral service itself. The 9th-day commemoration, in most cases, is observed with a prayer of the rosary followed by a recitation of the litany. The 40th day is often observed with a meal following the service. This commemoration should, if at all possible, take place on the 40th day itself, but often is served on a Saturday or Sunday after Liturgy so that as many of the family and friends can take part as possible. The annual commemoration of the day of death is likewise a very solemn event, especially the 1st, 5th, and 10th anniversaries. These 40-day and yearly commemorations are very important and should always be held.

Out with friends after loss

Hi Alanna,

Mommy went out for the very first time with close friends without daddy, your Kuya KC, Ate Ava and your hyper brother Diezel last night. I was hesitating to go out because I felt that I was not ready yet but then I thought that maybe this is my chance to test myself in a public place. Atleast if mommy breaks down, I have your Tita Jhen, Tita Janette, Tita Jane and Pugay to help me out.

Crying Again

Hi baby,

Here I am crying again thinking of you. I swear to God I tried so much everyday telling myself “Today is the day I am NOT going to cry” but then after few minutes my heart will just give in. Here I am–hating myself because I am so weak I cant move on. Is it only me? when will I ever stop crying? Im sorry baby if Mommy cry so much… your time with Mommy was just not enough. I miss you and love you Alanna.

missing you,
Mommy