One lovely day at the park

One of the struggles since I lost my Alanna is having to have fun again with my kids. After my loss, it felt like I have no right to smile again, no right to be happy. Because there is someone missing.

For those who knew me, I am a person who always smiles and laughs all the time and honestly I am sadly to say that I am learning to do that again(I try). I still do smile and laugh but there is always that part of me that cries, that stings, that still hurts when I am happy especially when that cause of that happiness is when I am with my children. I feel really bad and unfair especially to my kids but it just feel wrong to be happy when I am missing one of my children. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I being unfair? Is this normal?

Last week, we went to the park close to our house as the weather was just perfect. It's a walking distance so we walked while my other two kids went biking alongside. While we  were walking, I found this Rock in the park and thought it's heart shaped! Made me feel that Alanna was there watching over us. I felt great and I would say I enjoyed the day because it felt that my children are all in the park. I felt her presence and for that I am genuinely happy. It was a 'one lovely day at the park' ♥

Heart-Shaped Rock I found in the Park
I have regrets leaving it though
I am hoping that if the weather gets nicer and we
decided to go back, I would see it again.

I had to write Alanna's name in the Park's Sand ♥

All my Children in the park ♥

 

Father-In-Law's Death Anniversary

Today, we remember my father-in-law-- Tatang Rosito, his 4 year Death Anniversary. Another person who I know is watching over my baby Alanna.

"Tatang I  hope you are taking care of my baby Alanna like the way you took care of my KC and Ava when they were babies. We miss you~!"

Just sharing a photo of my Father-in-law
This was created by my Niece in the Philippines

Alanna's Name on the Snow

Just wanted to share Alanna's name on the snow:

Alanna's Snow Names ♥

Alanna's Names and also ClayNames on the Snow

December 27, 2012 --first big snowfall after losing our baby Alanna. I looked at the window and I saw blankets of snow and of course the first thing I did was go out and write Alanna's name. I opened our patio door and felt the cold wind in my face. It felt like being kissed by an Angel, I thought it was my Alanna kissing me in the cheeks. Who knows? I do! I believe that she was there, she gave me a blow kiss from heaven. ♥ 

In the evening, we went out and had to clean our front house, shovel the snow and of course play, play play. OK, ok, honestly Daddy did the clean up, my kids mostly played and I took pictures. Did some snow names on the snow and took photos too. But the best part is my kids enjoying their snow play day. I admit, I felt a sting because I miss Alanna. I've wondered how would it feel like helping her put on her snow clothes or shoes, throwing snowballs at her, or seeing her play with her brothers and sister...again thinking about my "what ifs". 

Love you my Angel Alanna~! ♥♥♥

3 Kids and an Angel

Revisiting the Funeral Homes

We were waiting for our turn because
someone was there before us 

Last Sunday, we went to Ogden Funeral Homes where Alanna's visitation was done. We got a letter from them a few weeks back inviting us to come to the funeral home to light a Candle of Remembrance in memory of our dear beloved Alanna. For the month of December, they have this special area where bereaved families can stop by and light a candle so before Christmas we thought of visiting Ogden to light a candle and to  remember our missed baby Alanna. 

Alanna's Big brother writing on the guestbook. He lit a candle for his little baby sister Alanna. It was his first time lighting a candle  using matchsticks ♥♥ We had few laughs when he tried to lit it up. He ended up using the  other burning candle to lit the matchstick.

Alanna's big sister saying a little prayer and doing her little speech ♥♥, talking to Alanna in her own way. Almost made me cry because she was so shy but she said she missed her and greeted her "Merry Christmas"

   

We miss you baby Alanna. It is heartbreaking to go back to a place where people came to visit our baby daughter for the first and last time to remember and pay respect. I still remember those people who came. Flashbacks-- sad and happy thoughts came. It is sad to think what took place on that place but I am happy that family, relatives and close friends came to sympathize and support our family during those hard times. 

Me and my daughter lit a candle for our missed baby Alanna

@ Ogden Funeral Homes

We also got a special souvenir ornament that we can hang on our Christmas Tree this Christmas from Ogden Funeral Homes. ♥♥♥

from Ogden Funeral Homes

My Children, my kids, my love

I was going through your brothers and sister's pictures and I can see the difference of how they grow through the years. It bring heartaches that I can only picture you as a baby but it so nice to know that you will be my forever baby. I am sad that I can no longer take pictures of you my Alanna but today I found a cool app while going through my Ipad. I want to share it to everyone. Even if I can no longer take your pictures with us I want to do collages with our family with you. 

You will always be in my heart my forever baby.

I love and miss you,

Mommy

can you see where is my Alanna?

I am an Unfit Mother

I think I am losing it. My heart is aching because I think I know now why has God taken Alanna to me so soon. I am an Unfit Mother. I was helping my daughter in her homework, helping her read. I just kept shouting at her because she can't read her books. I lost my patience and hit her in her arm. My husband heard me shouting at her. I had to stop helping her with her homework and told myself I can't do it anymore. I even shouted at my husband and told him to help her do her homework. My daughter cried because I hit her very hard. I really feel so bad. I am so hurt that I screamed and hit my daughter for just not able to read the few words in her book. Why would God give Alanna to me if I can not even handle my other daughter? Maybe God is punishing me because I don't have patience with my kids. Maybe He knows that I am not worth to have another child. All I can do right now is cry. All this emotions is slowly destroying me. I am so scared that one day it will destroy my family. I am asking the Lord to give me more strength. God knows how I love my children so much. I wouldn't want them hurt. Please help me Lord and give me more strength. I love my children

All Soul's Day 2012

When I came to Canada we never do anything for All Soul’s day. People here don’t really do anything special on this day, It is not a nationwide public holiday. So for the most part we worked but this year was different.

All Souls’ Day is a time for many Christians to remember deceased family members or friends. I was born in the Philippines and raised as a Christian; I remember back home when I was a kid we use to go to cemetery and pray for our dead loved ones. For the most part, I remember going to cemetery playing with candles and molding candle wax and make ball shapes. My ‘Lolo’ [grandfather in English] is Chinese so I remember lighting incense for him but the most amusing part was looking at other tombs around him seeing other Chinese people bring food for their loved one. I remember joking around with my cousins to get their food, but of course we don’t do that, we were too scared to touch their food in the cemetery.

Capture Your Grief, Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

Losing Alanna made me realize how family and friends are so important. Through her, I found who my true family and friends are. But the most supportive I would say is my husband, the only person who went through it all and knows what it feels like to lose our baby Alanna because he experienced it too. The person who was there when I want to explode and lose hope. I remember him telling me to be strong and think of our 3 kids. I know we don't always talk about our Alanna but I know in my heart he missed her too. I do hear him sniffs sometimes even if he denies and give me an excuse that it's just his "allergy" I know that he is sad and just trying to be strong for both of us. Below is the picture I found of Daddy (it's what I call him) with my Alanna. The first time I saw this picture, it made me cry and wish that things were different, wish that my baby is with us.

Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Special Place

I am not that religious but I found peace going to our church lately. Losing Alanna made me closer to the Lord. 

I also find comfort and peace for as long as I am with my children which is mostly just staying at home. For as long as I am with them I am happy and at peace knowing that each one of them are safe. Losing my baby Alanna made me love them more. 

 

Inside our church: during Alanna's funeral mass

St Barnabas Catholic Church

 

Find peace anywhere for as long as I am with  my FAMILY

Surviving our First Holiday- Happy Thanksgiving Canada

Thanksgiving is a day of family gatherings and good food. There is laughter, joy and just a great feeling of love for family and friends.Thanksgiving is a start of family and/or friends get togethers. But then after my baby Alanna's loss I thought to myself  “What can I be thankful for?" I feel that Thanksgiving is a useless and a painful holiday because I do not feel very thankful with my terribly hurting heart. I still think of my baby Alanna, always thinking what would it be like having her with us, celebrating what should have been our first holiday together as a FAMILY. But then, I thought to myself, this shouldn't be the end of world, I know it is very hard but I am still thankful of many things.

Although I am filled with sorrow and pain over losing my baby Alanna, here's a list of things that I am thankful for:

• The time and memories I shared with my baby Alanna, no matter how short it was.
• For my loving husband, who has stood by my side, listening to my pain, giving me hugs and support that I need when I'm sad and weak the most.
• My 3 children who makes me laugh when my days are so low.
• Signs of true family and friendships through thick and thin, phone calls, hugs, messages and all the good things and support they did for our family.
• Good health for me, my husband and my 3 kids.
• The beauty of nature, the sun, moon, stars, flowers, and everything else around us.
• For the strength that God gives me everyday, that makes me a survivor.

Also want to share this message that I have found to other bereave parents:

"It is not carved in the stone that you must sit around a turkey pretending to be thankful. DO whatever it is you need to do this year. If Thanksgiving is a problem, explain to those who care about you that this years will be, by necessity, be different. Hope they will understand and if they don’t, let it be their problem for your needs are paramount right now."

Thanksgiving Holiday in Canada is fast approaching, it will be on Monday [October.8.2012]. Happy Thanksgiving Alanna. I am still thankful that you became part of our life even just for awhile. Love and miss you baby.