I Don't Know

A week from now and it will be Alanna's birthday(or is it her Death Anniversary?).. I don't even know what to call her "special day" (Do I call it special day? is it really special when I know this is saddest day of my life?) I've been trying to forget and not to think about it. Is that something bad? it this normal? I've been trying to avoid  because I don't really know what to do that day. Almost 2 years your gone and still I don't know how to face this feeling... 

Again, I am lost. Do I celebrate? or Do I cry and be sad about you being not here? 

Do we go out and eat and celebrate like when we celebrate your brothers and sister's birthday? Or should I be quiet about it and act like its a normal day?

There are days when I am mad and I don't know why. I want to blame myself, I want to blame my doctor, and even days when I want to blame God... and I don't know why.

I wish there is a book for it. Maybe titled "Losing a child for Dummies"? Maybe there is such thing but again I know one loss is different from another. I really wish I know but I don't know.

All I know is I really, really miss you Alanna and I really wish you are here. I wish I can hold and hug you again. I am sorry I got so scared. I wish I stayed with you longer in that hospital. I didn't know what to do.

I love you for infinity and beyond.

Thank you Beanie 4 A Baby

Thank you Timothy Jr's Mom --Molly for Alanna's Beanie 4 A Baby. I know you've sent it way back in March to my niece address, I just got it last April 21. We finally had the time to cross the border and pick it up. It was worth the drive. ♥♥♥. Thank you so much.

Thank you for personalizing it-- I love seeing Alanna's name♥. Thank you for what you do in memory of your little Timothy and for the BL Community. ♥♥♥

One lovely day at the park

One of the struggles since I lost my Alanna is having to have fun again with my kids. After my loss, it felt like I have no right to smile again, no right to be happy. Because there is someone missing.

For those who knew me, I am a person who always smiles and laughs all the time and honestly I am sadly to say that I am learning to do that again(I try). I still do smile and laugh but there is always that part of me that cries, that stings, that still hurts when I am happy especially when that cause of that happiness is when I am with my children. I feel really bad and unfair especially to my kids but it just feel wrong to be happy when I am missing one of my children. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I being unfair? Is this normal?

Last week, we went to the park close to our house as the weather was just perfect. It's a walking distance so we walked while my other two kids went biking alongside. While we  were walking, I found this Rock in the park and thought it's heart shaped! Made me feel that Alanna was there watching over us. I felt great and I would say I enjoyed the day because it felt that my children are all in the park. I felt her presence and for that I am genuinely happy. It was a 'one lovely day at the park' ♥

Heart-Shaped Rock I found in the Park
I have regrets leaving it though
I am hoping that if the weather gets nicer and we
decided to go back, I would see it again.

I had to write Alanna's name in the Park's Sand ♥

All my Children in the park ♥

 

Alanna's Name on the Snow

Just wanted to share Alanna's name on the snow:

Alanna's Snow Names ♥

Alanna's Names and also ClayNames on the Snow

December 27, 2012 --first big snowfall after losing our baby Alanna. I looked at the window and I saw blankets of snow and of course the first thing I did was go out and write Alanna's name. I opened our patio door and felt the cold wind in my face. It felt like being kissed by an Angel, I thought it was my Alanna kissing me in the cheeks. Who knows? I do! I believe that she was there, she gave me a blow kiss from heaven. ♥ 

In the evening, we went out and had to clean our front house, shovel the snow and of course play, play play. OK, ok, honestly Daddy did the clean up, my kids mostly played and I took pictures. Did some snow names on the snow and took photos too. But the best part is my kids enjoying their snow play day. I admit, I felt a sting because I miss Alanna. I've wondered how would it feel like helping her put on her snow clothes or shoes, throwing snowballs at her, or seeing her play with her brothers and sister...again thinking about my "what ifs". 

Love you my Angel Alanna~! ♥♥♥

3 Kids and an Angel

Its been 2 months and 8 days

Hi Alanna,

Its just one of those days. I was just looking at your pictures trying to edit them and putting borders on them. Mommy found this cool App in the Ipad and I'm feeling sad because I only have few pictures of you to edit. I am really regreting not taking more pictures of you. My tears just kept flowing.

Eniweyz, your little brother is awake and has been looking for attention. I miss you.


XOXO
Mommy

Family Picture Taken

We had our family pictures taken for the first time yesterday after losing my baby Alanna and of course all I think about was how I wish she was there with us. When we arrive at the studio, I didn't know what to expect. I usually get my kids' pictures taken individually but this time I want a change, on top of my kids pictures, I want to do group family pictures. It was also my first time in that particular Sears studio so I really don't know what to expect. Plus, I know I had to  'suck it up' and put my best smile while I know I am hurting and dying inside.

The photographer called us and he asked me who will be his subject and how I want pictures taken. I told him what I wanted. He started told us where to sit and stand,etc. I noticed it's like pattern, he took my kids pictures individually, then all three of my kids, then our pictures as a family, then my husband and my kids, me and my kids, then all boys, then all girls, and then me and my husband together.  He took lots of different poses and pictures what I thought it will never end. It was an experience, I thought it's an activity that I would want to do with my family, at least once a year would be nice.

When the photographer was done, he asked me if he miss anything, in my head I was thinking, yes he did! my baby Alanna's picture! but of course I did not say that, I simply said we are done. Then we went over all the shoots and had to decide what pictures we want and how we want them developed. For every pictures that I've seen with my kids, I imagine my baby Alanna with us. I wanted to tell the photographer that there is something missing, I thought some pictures were not balance, but again of course I didn't. Especially after he took my husband pictures and my 2 boys, He called me and my daughter. I really wish I have 2 girls.. it would have been perfect. It would have been balance. I miss my Alanna and had to hold my tears again.

But in total, the photo-shoot went well, he took nice pictures and we'll get the printed copy next week. I got the CD right away and so I was excited to look at them at home again. I edited some of them, edited backgrounds and wanted to share it everybody. If only I can edit the picture and add Alanna, I would. But then of course I did not. But that day, in my heart and mind, she was with us taking pictures. Her body might not be present but she will always be a part of our family photo.

I love and miss you my baby Alanna Phoebe!

Our Family Picture

Out with friends after loss

Hi Alanna,

Mommy went out for the very first time with close friends without daddy, your Kuya KC, Ate Ava and your hyper brother Diezel last night. I was hesitating to go out because I felt that I was not ready yet but then I thought that maybe this is my chance to test myself in a public place. Atleast if mommy breaks down, I have your Tita Jhen, Tita Janette, Tita Jane and Pugay to help me out.