I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.

Expected Due Date - November 4th, 2012

November 4 would've been just a regular day to everyone but November 4 is my Expected Due Date. The sad part is nobody knows it but me. No one remembered but me. The day I should have my baby Alanna but then she came too soon... came too soon.

I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried while my family was still sleeping tired from the party last night. I rubbed and felt my tummy while I cried shaking, thinking that if I touched my belly I will feel my baby.. still in there. Honestly, I still wish for the day that I will wake up one day and my baby will be there, hoped that I will wake up from this bad dream but then I know in my mind there will be no baby to hug and kiss and that this is not a bad dream but a reality. My baby is gone...

My husband woke up and saw me crying, he asked 'what's wrong mommy?' I hid my face in the blanket and shook my head and said 'nothing'. Luckily, my kids were awake and they came running in our bedroom so I hugged and kissed them. My family-- the reason for me to go on with life, the reason for me not to lose hope. After few minutes of just cuddling with my kids, I asked my husband what's for breakfast, I had to think of something to avoid his question. Told him I'm starving. I don't know if avoiding the question is the right thing to do but I thought it is. I'm just not sure anymore. I wish there were books to read about what to do, class to attend to learn how to.. but here I am lost and trying to find my way.

It felt like a cold water has been thrown in my face. I think I need someone to really slap me hard in the face, shake me hard and shout to me that my baby is dead! There I said it, my baby is dead! Those words are just so hard to accept even just typing them makes me cry.

Still I ask the questions why? Why me? Why my baby? Why did it happen? Why didn't I know you're coming too early? Why are you not with me, not in my arms? Why has God taken you so early? Why can no one save you? Why? Why? Why? It just hurt so much, it's just so unfair!

My fear came, my baby's due date came and still I don't have my baby Alanna. What happen is not a bad dream--Reality is she is gone. God help me to see, please guide me and give me strength.

Surviving our First Holiday- Happy Thanksgiving Canada

Thanksgiving is a day of family gatherings and good food. There is laughter, joy and just a great feeling of love for family and friends.Thanksgiving is a start of family and/or friends get togethers. But then after my baby Alanna's loss I thought to myself  “What can I be thankful for?" I feel that Thanksgiving is a useless and a painful holiday because I do not feel very thankful with my terribly hurting heart. I still think of my baby Alanna, always thinking what would it be like having her with us, celebrating what should have been our first holiday together as a FAMILY. But then, I thought to myself, this shouldn't be the end of world, I know it is very hard but I am still thankful of many things.

Although I am filled with sorrow and pain over losing my baby Alanna, here's a list of things that I am thankful for:

• The time and memories I shared with my baby Alanna, no matter how short it was.
• For my loving husband, who has stood by my side, listening to my pain, giving me hugs and support that I need when I'm sad and weak the most.
• My 3 children who makes me laugh when my days are so low.
• Signs of true family and friendships through thick and thin, phone calls, hugs, messages and all the good things and support they did for our family.
• Good health for me, my husband and my 3 kids.
• The beauty of nature, the sun, moon, stars, flowers, and everything else around us.
• For the strength that God gives me everyday, that makes me a survivor.

Also want to share this message that I have found to other bereave parents:

"It is not carved in the stone that you must sit around a turkey pretending to be thankful. DO whatever it is you need to do this year. If Thanksgiving is a problem, explain to those who care about you that this years will be, by necessity, be different. Hope they will understand and if they don’t, let it be their problem for your needs are paramount right now."

Thanksgiving Holiday in Canada is fast approaching, it will be on Monday [October.8.2012]. Happy Thanksgiving Alanna. I am still thankful that you became part of our life even just for awhile. Love and miss you baby.