Happy 11-months heaven birthday

Today, Im writing this post in my Ipad while Im riding the bus to work. I am hoping that by the time Im in the station Ill finish and be able to  publish this post. sometimes great just rising in the bus away from everything. I usually just read things but today I decided to write. (misspelling and quotation may not be used properly because the typing with bus moving and shaking? a bit challenging)

Just want to bring out what I feel lately after11 months of losing my baby. around this time last year, I was pregnant with Alanna NOT knowing that my life will change after a month. I use to think how my life was so perfect. I was so contented, fulfilled and sohappy with my life... got a house, a car, a good job and great family.... And then a new baby coming( how awesome is that?). I was even planning on what Ill be doing on my 1 year maternity leave. Hoping to travel and spend time with my family especially my kids. But here I am... heart broken. 

i cant deny it, there are days where I tried to forget the pain and my loss. i know i have to face now and 'go on' with my 'normal new life'. I have accepted that I am a mother who lost a baby. Yes the pain comes ang goes.. I guess this is it. I am learning to control my feelings and emotions and I think I am good with that. so far so good. The question how many kids? I usually say 3 and just try to inhale and exhale and push back that thought that I should have said 4. Just dont want to be asked so many questions... actually there is one time when I said '4 but I lost one'. They said sorry but this person did not ask more questions. I guess they dont know what to really say.. somewhat I felt that I shut her up. I guess depending on the situation I learn to way things to say to a person, I learn to say when to say 3 or 4.

Small baby steps at a time... thats all I can say for now.. so ironic that I had to use that 'baby' word when I know that the reason Im doing this baby steps is because I lost a baby. 

Til then.. bus station is here.. 

Happy 11 months heaven birthday my Alanna. ❤

Thanks Shauna.. I don't know how u keep track but you always amaze and surprise me.

my view of the bus.. So empty like what im feeling

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Every month I look forward for the date 19 to come up... Wonder why?

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna~! 

Love and miss you.

Last weekend, I've woke up with tears in my eyes.. usually happens when I don't have to wake up and prepare your brother and sister lunch for school. I guess because on weekends I have that time in my bed to think of things that has happen in my life since I've lost you and also the things that happened that day. Flashbacks are always there~! There are still days when I thought of those "what ifs". God knows how I don't want to cry because there is no need to cry but here I am still crying. 

There is still a part of me that blames why you are gone. I am hoping in the future that I will realize things and fully understand things. For now life must go on...

"Everyday brings you one day closer for us to be together."

Please light a candle if you have a chance or say a little prayer. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

------------

Sometimes God picks a flower that's still in full bloom. 

Sometimes the flower that is chosen, we feel He's picked too soon.

We're at peace knowing; in God's heavenly garden,

He has placed the ones we treasure.

You have changed our lives forever.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

St Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Nothing much to say today. It has been a crazy and fun week and so today is more of staying at home with your brothers and sister just tidying up the house as usual.

Thank you Catherine

Also last day before after March Break! Guess who slept in? I woke up and look for them and I saw your brothers and sister sleeping in the living room. Please continue watching over them my baby angel Alanna. ♥♥♥

One of those days when I thought of you and think
"what would it feel like if you are here my Alanna?"

Subway Art

Subway Art piece for my Alanna received first week of February 2013 from a fellow Canadian-- Angela. I love it and I want to thank you Angela; thank you from picking out words/phrases from my blog for the wonderful piece! Visit her blog, to request or read about Angela, Mattias, Marcus and their family's journey --giving hope to others.

For Alanna's 6-months Heaven Birthday

More than half a year has passed already?! Really time flies so fast. Sorry for not having the time to write posts. Really late writing this one. But eniweyz, I am writing today to share what we have gotten Alanna on her 6th-month heaven birthday. We usually buy flowers every 19th of the month but for her 6-months heaven birthday(February 19th) I told my hubby that I want to get her  not just flowers but a flowering plant-- I got Orchids. I saw this plant when a friend of mine in facebook posted an orchid that she got on valentines day and so I thought this would be a nice thing to get my Alanna. I am hoping for the orchid plant to stay alive longer than 2 months? (Let's hope~!? who know?). Yeah, I know I am bad with planting. Not a green thumb here! I don't really know how to take care of any but I just feel like getting one to remember her. I've been wanting to grow live plants in our house but I am just not that person who's good with plants, maybe  I should learn how to do that. There's an instruction attached to it, the labels says "Just add Ice Orchids", Ice is easy to get but I really don't know where to get that sunshine it needs. It's winter here in Canada and I don't think I can bring it out in this cold weather. For now if I see sunshine by the window, I put it there. If anyone has any advice, feel free to comment or message me. But for now I will rely on what Google gives me. Hoping my not so green thumb will somehow keep these beautiful orchids alive.

Getting these orchids also reminds me of my grandma 'Cela, who died last 2009. She was one of those people who took care of me and my brother when we where kids in the Philippines while my mom works abroad. I remember during my childhood how she is good with plants, vegetables and just anything in her garden. I use to go for walks with her looking for a black fertilized soil that she digs,  she carries them to bring in her garden while I play with soils.  I admit it made me sad thinking that she is gone now, I miss her like my Alanna. I wish she was here to tell me how to take care of plants. 

My Grandma went to US and stayed with my uncles and aunt  for so many years but she came here once in Canada for a vacation. I was so happy to see her after so many years. We were even telling her to stay with us here in Canada. After a few months of going back to US, we found out that she was hospitalized. Then next thing we got is the bad shocking news, I remember being very sad that day and tried so hard to hold my tears. It's like she just waited to see us for the last time before saying her goodbyes to us. A sudden lost for my family just like my baby Alanna. But that day made me realize that my Alanna is now with her, I visualize my grandma holding her and taking care of her like when she took care of me when I was small. I feel happy knowing that they are together and I'm just imagining them in a heaven garden planting the most beautiful flowers. Today, I have teary eyes writing this post but I am happy knowing that there are close people with my little precious Alanna watching over her. And one of them is my Grandma Cela.

          

they call it "Just add Ice Orchids"

Orchid getting sunshine beside Alanna's Memory Box

Happy 6-Months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Time really flies. 6 months already?! I am proud to say the pain is lesser now. Don't get me wrong I still wish she is with me and of course I miss her to the MAX! There is no day that I think of my Alanna but I am here to announced that I have accepted that she will not be with me on this lifetime. HAH! Look at me, typing this while here I am in tears again *PAUSE* deep breath Anna.

I've released the anger that I feel to myself, I know that she is watching me from up there and she would want me to live my life the fullest. She would not want me to be sad and cry everyday because I know that she is with the Lord God. Why should I cry over that? Yes, I am sad that I was not given the chance to spend time with her that long but I am happy that she is up there, with God and the other angels. She is our baby Angel watching over us.

HAHAHAHAHA... OK, I had to type that-- I am in tears and sniffing again. Gosh I need to grab a tissue.

from Debby @ For Your Tears
Thank you!

Today, as per usual I plan to get flowers for Alanna and lit a candle. I'll post pictures on my next post once I got them. I plan to go out with my son in the mall to get what flower I was thinking to get her today. I hope I find the flower plant that I have in mind.

For now, I want to share this Handkerchief that I've received this past week, I want to give thanks to Debby from For Your Tears, she sends out handkerchief to women who have lost a child. Read her post and visit her HERE.

This 'hanky' came very handy today. Thanks Debby ♥♥♥.

OK, got to run and get ready.
Happy 6-months Heaven Birthday Alanna. I love you~!

My First Birthday as Alanna's Mom

February is the month I turned another year older, Feb 2nd--Ground hog day for some people to be exact! The day I had to think what has happened on this 33 years of my life. The Good, the Bad, and the Happy days. Although, I am thankful that I have reached this age knowing that my baby Alanna was only given few hours to live. Thinking about it just makes me miss her more. Why can't she grow old? But I guess she will always be My Forever Baby. 

Another year older, I am happy because I am here healthy with Alanna's brothers and sister to take care and love. Reason for me to fight and go on with my life. Life is still good despite what happened to one of my children.

Another milestone, another bittersweet day. Of course I was thinking what would it be like with Alanna on my birthday. I would've invited my family and friends to celebrate my birthday at home because she's too small to be in a restaurant but then reality is, she is not here with me to celebrate. No birthday party for me with my new baby. Also afraid to be asked the question "what do you want for your birthday?" Just imagining myself avoiding the question because deep in my heart nobody can give me what I want. All I want is my baby with me, in my arms. But then life is still good-- another year to look forward to-- another day closer in reuniting with my baby when my time is come. For now I will be with my other 3 kids 'celebrating while I imagine Alanna celebrating my birthday in heaven with other babies whose parents I met.

my simple birthday cake
from my loving spouse and kids
I LOVE YOU GUYS~!

Did I celebrate? I did not really made plan for any party. I was even scramming and checking out restaurants to go to. Plus, my kids were asking where are we celebrating but then lucky my sister-in-law called us and invited us over. We ended up going to her place and just bought take out sushi and cake to bring there.

The best part for my birthday was receiving my birthday request from people who made that effort to write Alanna's name. I was so excited receiving them one by one. My heart was so touched by the people who wrote her name. Although I admit, I was expecting other people to send it but then I received them from those people who I was not expecting. I don't know... I am just so surprised. 

Anyhow... I have this blog draft sitting for awhile that I don't want to add anymore and just want to share this Alanna's Name that I received. Again, I want to thank all those people who made that extra time to write her name. I am so touched~! best birthday present ever! THANKs!!!!

--------------------- Alanna's Name Gallery - my bday request
Again-- Thank you All!

The Church of the Holy Innocents - The Book of Life

Last month, I have asked the Church of the Holy Innocents to have Alanna's name added to the "Book of Life". Here, a candle is always lit in memory of babies who have died before and at birth. People stop to pray all day long.  It gives me peace and comfort to know that she is remembered and prayed for everyday. Their pastor (Fr. Thomas Kallumady), who takes care of the Shrine ministry at the Holy Innocent sent me also a Certificate of Life. I am hoping that someday I will come to visit their Shrine in New York City.

If you are a parent who have lost a child and want to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in the Book of Life please do visit their site.

My Baby Alanna's Certificate of Life from
the Church of the Holy Innocents

Maura Lynn's Baby Loss Memorial Blocks

First thing first I love getting things with Alanna's name on it. For those who have known me, you probably know that I am so obsessed with it. I am planning to make our glass cabinet in our basement as Alanna's cabinet as my mini-shadow-cabinet that I have in my room is already filling up fast. I just can't decide because I don't want to put her things in the basement and I think that glass cabinet is very heavy to be lifted up in our bedroom... still debating.

Today, I want to share what I have gotten in the mail last week! It finally came! Maura Lynn's Baby Loss Memorial Block for my Alanna. I was so excited to open it as it was shaped as a block when it came and I knew that it was the one I have requested. I think what they do is a great way to honor baby Maura Lynn. They also provide direction and support in the PAIL Community. I know I will always remember baby Maura Lynn, I feel happy that my baby Alanna is not alone and found another friend-- Maura Lynn. ♥♥

To request, donate, or read what they do to honor Maura Lynn Shafer please check their site at http://maurasmission.com

Again, thank you for the wonderful Memorial Block for my Alanna Phoebe.

Painted Alanna's Name

Thank you Kyla for the beautiful painted name of Alanna! It means so much to me to have Alanna remembered. I really love seeing her name, another one to be added to my Alanna's Name Collection. ♥♥♥

Happy 5-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Yesterday was Alanna's 5-months heaven birthday. Of course I woke up thinking about what would have been like if she is here with my family. Just imagining her maybe smiling at me, giving her my "sandwich" kiss with her chubby cheeks. 

We bought flowers for you, that's one thing I look forward doing every month. I've never like fresh flowers in the house but when I lost you I look forward choosing fresh flowers for your birthday. I guess it will be "my tradition" buying flower every 19th of the month. Love and miss you Alanna. Hope you like the flower I picked.

Daddy also wants to say "He loves and misses you. You will always be in our hearts."  

5-months heaven birthday

♥♥♥♥♥

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Justice for All - Certificate of Life

Alanna's Certificate of Life

Thank you for doing this Ami~! 

Please visit Ami's website "Justice for All"--  Ami makes  the certificate in Justice's memory to give back some peace and comfort to those who have lost a baby. Just as any baby who is conceived or born is issued a birth certificate. She personalized certificates for anyone who has lost a child, or knows someone who has lost a child. Read about Ami, Justice and her work and request your child's own Soul Certificate/ Certificate of Life for free on her site. 

Alanna's Name on the Snow

Just wanted to share Alanna's name on the snow:

Alanna's Snow Names ♥

Alanna's Names and also ClayNames on the Snow

December 27, 2012 --first big snowfall after losing our baby Alanna. I looked at the window and I saw blankets of snow and of course the first thing I did was go out and write Alanna's name. I opened our patio door and felt the cold wind in my face. It felt like being kissed by an Angel, I thought it was my Alanna kissing me in the cheeks. Who knows? I do! I believe that she was there, she gave me a blow kiss from heaven. ♥ 

In the evening, we went out and had to clean our front house, shovel the snow and of course play, play play. OK, ok, honestly Daddy did the clean up, my kids mostly played and I took pictures. Did some snow names on the snow and took photos too. But the best part is my kids enjoying their snow play day. I admit, I felt a sting because I miss Alanna. I've wondered how would it feel like helping her put on her snow clothes or shoes, throwing snowballs at her, or seeing her play with her brothers and sister...again thinking about my "what ifs". 

Love you my Angel Alanna~! ♥♥♥

3 Kids and an Angel

More Personalized Christmas 2012 Ornaments for Baby Alanna

I know 2012 is over but I just want to share the Personalized Christmas Ornaments that I got for Alanna. I was praying for them to arrive before Christmas day and they all did came on time, came a day before Christmas. I was not able to post them as Holidays has been really busy. But here there are: 

♥ Thanks Alanna, I was praying for them to come before Christmas and you did it for Mommy. Love you Baby~! You made my heart jumped for joy. Christmas wasn't that all bad because I know and I feel you were there. ♥

Alanna Phoebe 2012 Christmas Ornament
A Year that I will never forget ♥

♥ Alanna Phoebe Baby Pink Snowman ♥
I really wish I have her on my stockings
on Christmas. Love you Baby~!

I love that I chose this, Alanna is an Angel
for her brothers and sister

~Alanna is always going to be part of our Christmas~
♥ Our Family Names All Complete ♥

Mom, Dad and our kids~!
♥ Alanna will always be a part of our family ♥

Our Family

For those people who are interested to buy this things or similar. I got them at Ebay, the name of the seller is mj23collector. Go to his Ebay Store HERE. ♥

Remembering Year 2012

There so many things that I want to write about the year 2012  but for some reason I don't really know how to start. I guess because half of it I want to forget and half I want to remember. There's so many happy, sad and "sadappy" moments but I guess my 2012 will always be remembered as the year when I met my baby Alanna. It will also a year I lost someone so precious in my family, someone who is very important to me. 2012-- My Alanna was born and was taken away.

I think when I hear or see the year 2012, it will be always remembered how my baby Alanna was born but was taken so suddenly away from us. Is that something bad? or good? There will be always something different or should I say something 'special' about my 2012. Year 2012 is a year that I will never forget. 

Would it be unfair that some of  the events that happen to my family this year will not be too remembered like our family vacations or our family celebrating holidays or even my kids birthday parties? Am I a bad mother to my other kids because all I can think about is what happen to my baby Alanna and not when they turned 3 or 6 or 10 years old?  

2012 is a year...

...when I turned 32.

...when my kids turned 10, 6 and 3 years old.

...when I found out that I am having a baby girl.

...when we went to the Philippines for a family vacation(Alanna was there too~! in my tummy♥♥♥)

...when my heart was broken because of someone who you trusted so much.

...when my heart broke because I lost my baby daughter Alanna. 

...when I felt how losing someone can hurt so much.

...when I met who really are my true friends and family.

...when I learn to blog and meet new people.

...when I realize things shouldn't be taken for granted.

Importantly 2012 is a year when I met my beautiful, precious baby Alanna.

It may be a year when my baby died but it will also be remembered as a year that she was born. I even feel that I am not ready for 2013 but then here it is..it's a new year. new hope and a  new life ahead that I am not sure what it brings for my family. 

I am ending my year missing my baby Alanna and starting it with missing her still. We lit a sparkle on new year to remember you my baby. The cold weather never stopped us from lighting them for you. I hope you enjoyed looking at them as your brother and sister lit them. We love and miss you so much my baby~! Loving you for Infinity and Beyond~!

big sister lighting a sparkle with Alanna's sparkle

big bro lighting a sparkle with Alanna's sparkle

Alanna's sparkles sending our love

Christmas Day with Alanna

Merry Christmas Baby Alanna! Hope you had a wonderful Christmas
in Heaven. ♥♥♥

We were so busy this Christmas 2012 because family came over to celebrate with us. Honestly, I didn't know how to celebrate Christmas this year. I would say "I just went with the flow". Of course I had to put up a smile, have that "happy-nothing is wrong-i'm feeling great!" mask on that day. It's just weird that I am so happy outside but inside I'm still hurt and crushed. 

I wanted my 3-kids to be happy this Christmas, I know they are looking forward on celebrating and getting gifts. I think they are still young to understand how Mommy really feels sad. Sometimes, I'm thinking I am not fair to them because of the sadness that I'm feeling especially when they see me randomly cries when I should be happy because I have them. I don't know. I'm not really sure, I just don't know what is right and what is wrong. This life of mine is just so hard to balance. Weird?! super Confused?! 

Lit a candle with our Mini
Family Fireplace --- our names on it including Alanna

Eniweyz, before I start to cry again I just want to share what I did for Alanna before Christmas was over, after our last guest went home. We lit a candle for Alanna and said a prayer. My daughter also wrote something on a paper for her baby sister which brought tears in my eyes and also made me smile because she really did try her very best to write to her baby sister even though she was having a hard time spelling words. I'm just sharing photos. ♥♥♥ It's 2 AM in the morning now, gtg to sleep. Love you Alanna, *MUAHz*

Our daughter wrote a small note - I really
did not understand what it says because
it was all over the place so I asked her
what it means, she said the note says
"I love you Alanna so much! no heart broken" ♥♥♥

Snowflake Ornament - St Barnabas Catholic Church

When we attended the mass at Saint Barnabas Catholic Church, we saw this Christmas tree with paper shaped ornaments. It has special messages and wishes written on them. I thought of my Alanna and wanted to make an ornament for her to hang in there too. I've decided to make a paper snowflake so I asked my 6-year old daughter Ava to help me make this paper snowflakes. She got excited and so we both did a snowflake for her little baby sister. I thought it was the most beautiful paper snowflake I have ever made plus the idea and the thought of making something for Alanna with Ava really makes a huge difference. I felt the love coming from Ava for her baby sister. Me hearing her say her little baby sisters name over and over really warms up my heart..."It's the thought that counts", right?

We use white, purple and yellow papers. Folded, cut and glued them together then we added some stickers and ribbons. After making it, we dropped by last Sunday and hang it with the other Christmas ornaments at St Barnabas Catholic Church.  

Add caption

  

Revisiting the Funeral Homes

We were waiting for our turn because
someone was there before us 

Last Sunday, we went to Ogden Funeral Homes where Alanna's visitation was done. We got a letter from them a few weeks back inviting us to come to the funeral home to light a Candle of Remembrance in memory of our dear beloved Alanna. For the month of December, they have this special area where bereaved families can stop by and light a candle so before Christmas we thought of visiting Ogden to light a candle and to  remember our missed baby Alanna. 

Alanna's Big brother writing on the guestbook. He lit a candle for his little baby sister Alanna. It was his first time lighting a candle  using matchsticks ♥♥ We had few laughs when he tried to lit it up. He ended up using the  other burning candle to lit the matchstick.

Alanna's big sister saying a little prayer and doing her little speech ♥♥, talking to Alanna in her own way. Almost made me cry because she was so shy but she said she missed her and greeted her "Merry Christmas"

   

We miss you baby Alanna. It is heartbreaking to go back to a place where people came to visit our baby daughter for the first and last time to remember and pay respect. I still remember those people who came. Flashbacks-- sad and happy thoughts came. It is sad to think what took place on that place but I am happy that family, relatives and close friends came to sympathize and support our family during those hard times. 

Me and my daughter lit a candle for our missed baby Alanna

@ Ogden Funeral Homes

We also got a special souvenir ornament that we can hang on our Christmas Tree this Christmas from Ogden Funeral Homes. ♥♥♥

from Ogden Funeral Homes