You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥

Capture Your Grief, Day 22: Place of Care/Birth

For Capture your Grief, Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

Wow, I think I had to read this one many times and how I wish I have something to write  and share but it just bring so much heartbreaking memories.  First of all, I delivered where I'm not suppose to   have my baby which always makes me sad. Thinking that if we were home that day, things would've been different. (But then I'll never know, I still need to accept that part)  I don't know if you have read my STORY but I gave birth unexpectedly. 'Unexpectedly' is the term that I use I guess because I was only 28-weeks pregnant and did not know that I will have Alanna that day. (I googled the word Unexpectedly and the found the words 'prematurely', 'too soon' 'on short notice', 'out of the blue'.. maybe I should use those instead... but what the heck, I already wrote it).

I delivered in QHC Belleville General Hospital, I don't have a picture of the place/building but below is the picture taken there. Maybe someday, I will come and visit. I don't have pictures of the doctors and nurses who cared and helped with my baby, but how I wish I have their pictures because I know they did their very best. If only I knew that this would be part of the "capture your grief", then I would have taken their pictures. And a souvenir would be nice just for me to remember those who were there during that day. 

The idea of 'Place of care' where in I feel that I didn't even had the chance to take care of my Alanna just breaks my heart. It just happen so fast. I saw her alive for a few minutes, got separated and next thing I know she is gone. It just doesn't sound right for me :(

Eniweyz, since my eyes' starting to cry again, I want to share my husband's picture below, the person who went through it all,  the person who cared for me and our baby even though we had Alanna for a very short period of time. 

date: 19th August 2012
taken at  QHC Belleville Hospital

Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Special Place

I am not that religious but I found peace going to our church lately. Losing Alanna made me closer to the Lord. 

I also find comfort and peace for as long as I am with my children which is mostly just staying at home. For as long as I am with them I am happy and at peace knowing that each one of them are safe. Losing my baby Alanna made me love them more. 

 

Inside our church: during Alanna's funeral mass

St Barnabas Catholic Church

 

Find peace anywhere for as long as I am with  my FAMILY