Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Every month I look forward for the date 19 to come up... Wonder why?

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna~! 

Love and miss you.

Last weekend, I've woke up with tears in my eyes.. usually happens when I don't have to wake up and prepare your brother and sister lunch for school. I guess because on weekends I have that time in my bed to think of things that has happen in my life since I've lost you and also the things that happened that day. Flashbacks are always there~! There are still days when I thought of those "what ifs". God knows how I don't want to cry because there is no need to cry but here I am still crying. 

There is still a part of me that blames why you are gone. I am hoping in the future that I will realize things and fully understand things. For now life must go on...

"Everyday brings you one day closer for us to be together."

Please light a candle if you have a chance or say a little prayer. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

------------

Sometimes God picks a flower that's still in full bloom. 

Sometimes the flower that is chosen, we feel He's picked too soon.

We're at peace knowing; in God's heavenly garden,

He has placed the ones we treasure.

You have changed our lives forever.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Happy 5-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Yesterday was Alanna's 5-months heaven birthday. Of course I woke up thinking about what would have been like if she is here with my family. Just imagining her maybe smiling at me, giving her my "sandwich" kiss with her chubby cheeks. 

We bought flowers for you, that's one thing I look forward doing every month. I've never like fresh flowers in the house but when I lost you I look forward choosing fresh flowers for your birthday. I guess it will be "my tradition" buying flower every 19th of the month. Love and miss you Alanna. Hope you like the flower I picked.

Daddy also wants to say "He loves and misses you. You will always be in our hearts."  

5-months heaven birthday

♥♥♥♥♥

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥

Capture Your Grief, Day 21: Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

For Capture your Grief Day 21, sharing a photo of a special place in our home for our baby. I decided to take a picture of a place where I put Alanna's urn and some things that people gave us.

Sacred Space

A place for my baby Alanna's urn

We have been looking for a place in our house to put Alanna's urn because she has been sitting there in our buffet table. When we got her urn, we temporarily put her on the table since her candle and flowers were already set there. And I guess, because we don’t really know where to put her urn. Who would have known that we would need a place to put something like an urn in a home? It is so unexpected. 

I don't mind her on the table because I like seeing her there when I'm on my laptop or watching TV. It’s in the middle of our house so when I do something in the kitchen or in the living room, I can always take a peek and see her lit candle and her urn. When I write something on my blog, I find it heartwarming that she keeps me company and that she's there watching me, while I pour my emotions out. Sometimes, when my mind is blank or feel empty, I find peace just staring at her lit candle. Love it that I can just easily whisper things to her whenever I miss her. But then lately, when my kids come home from school, they don't have a place to do their homework. They've been doing their homework on the table for the past few years and now that we have put her urn on the table, they keep on hitting her urn and candle with their school stuff from school.

Yesterday, I found a perfect place to put her, in a cabinet made of glass that has been sitting in our bedroom empty. I remember my sister-in-law[thank you Ate Fe!] giving it to us when we first moved in our house and it’s been there on top of our side table empty since and I thought that this is a perfect place to put her urn and memorabilia.

I’m happy that she is there close to me hoping that when I go to sleep she’ll be in my dreams. 

Took a picture of it and hoping to put more stuff for her in the future.

Alanna's Cabinet with her Urn and Memorabilia

Also got a white bear with Alanna's name on it from my sister-in-law["Tita Jane"--Thank you!] yesterday. So touched. I love the bear's smell and reminded me how Alanna smelled when I had her in my arms. She smelled so sweet and felt so soft. 

White Baby bear for Alanna from Jane and Family
~Thank you~

Welcome home my baby

Its been 4-weeks-and-1-day, we went to church today and went to the funeral home to finalize everything. We planned to choose an urn to bring my baby Alanna's ashes home. We wanted to do this before her 40 days. I was feeling a bit scared to go back in the funeral home, being there brings sadness because