I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.

Congratulations!

"Congratulations!" really?!

I just got off the phone from a Manager at my Employment Service at work and here I am crying while typing this posts. I thought I need to bring this out by writing  here because it does really stings how a person can say "Congratulations" to me. 

I work in a very big telecommunication company here in Canada so most of the people at work don't know every person and their situations. With so many offices, sometimes you can not tell where is the person you are speaking with. But I think this guy I spoke to is located somewhere in Montreal. His name sounds like french and he talks with a french accent too. I know he does not know what happen to me and my Alanna but I'm sure his notes says that my status is I am on "maternity leave". That's how they coded me at work. I can not blame the guy, he was very nice and everything, we were talking about my over payment at work. He handled the call very well gave me some options in regards to the reason why I called him. He is very helpful and informative but just when we where about to end the call, he had to say congratulations to me. 

Every time I need to call anything about work, I've been scared to talk to anyone because it seems that I had to explain my situation. And of course with no success I always end up shaking and crying at the end especially if I had to tell them I lost my baby. 

Its been awhile since I spoke from someone from work but then I know I had to answer this phone call. I thought I had to test myself with this call, test my self if I am ready to go back, get back on the phones. I want to be able to talk to anyone at work without crying. Plus, this call does not involve me telling what happen to me and my baby (the person I was talking to have no clue that my baby passed away). I thought I will be okay because we will be talking more about finances (which we did). I think I was better though! I was thinking of my Alanna the whole time but I did not cry. Its just when we were saying our good byes he said that word to me. It is good that it was after our conversation, just when we were about to hanged up the phone because my tears were ready to fall. We hanged up that's when I started to cry. 

That word "congratulations" just ringing in my head afterwards. It hurts but I understand why it was said to me. He does not know, he knew I had a baby which I did. He just don't know that I have lost my baby.

I just miss you more Alanna. Makes me question "Why you have to leave so soon?". 

Empty arms and an empty heart,

My life feels so torn apart.

It's not fair, she should be here,

Oh no there goes another tear.

I never got to say goodbye,

Why oh why did she have to die?

Time has passed, what I wouldn't give,

Just to see my daughter live,

A minute, a hour or just one day,

I'd give up anything if she could stay.

Maybe I prayed too much or not enough,

Living in pain is just so tough.

There are no words that can be spoken,

To fix my heart it's already broken.

Kindness from a stranger, a hug from a friend,

The love of my family, the pain doesn't end.

I'll miss her grow, I'll miss her play,

Maybe I deserve to feel this way.

Nothing to do, nothing can be changed,

Living without her, I feel deranged.

Racing thoughts my faith deceiving,

It's been a while but I'm still grieving