Connecticut Shooting Sandy Hook Elementary School

The news of the children and people whose lives were taken in Connecticut brings so much sadness in the world. The news really brought me back to that day when I lost my Alanna. Thinking that everything is fine and that nothing bad will ever happen to your child when next thing you know she is gone. 

I just can't imagine the terror these little innocent children have faced. My heart goes to their families especially this month when Christmas is so close. 

When I found out about the news, I was crying inside, I mourn just thinking about how these parents feel waiting to hear if their children is safe or if their children lost their lives. I cry for the teachers who tried to protect their students and then lost their lives doing it. My heart goes to those children traumatized, young children who witnessed this horrible incident, just can't imagine how they will come back to school after what they have experienced. 

I worry and thought of my innocent children. I just can't stop worrying about them leaving the house without me. We live in a cruel place where we don't know what's going to happen next. We tried so hard to make sure nothing bad is going to happen to them but sometimes even if we don't want them to get hurt, things just happen. 

I worry about my children's safety everyday

I pray for all of the families of the children and the teachers who were sadly killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School. 

I am just too weak and I hate it

Today I met with a doctor who was helping me fill up with the form from work. I tried my best not to break down and cry but still unsuccessful. Of course I had to tell her what happened and without success I cried and felt the pain, still hurt everytime I tell someone what happened on that day. I am just too weak and I hate it! The doctor was OK but I just didn't like when she told me her story about her Dad who died of Cancer in the hospital who was even treated but later died where she works for. Believe me, I do feel sorry that she lost her dad but why did she had to compare my loss? 

She told me that after a month she came back to work and that she still cries when someone asked her how she is doing. She told me that not going back to work is too much because it's been months now. It has been 3-months and 8-days since I lost her. Am I grieving too much? It just seems so fresh. It's like she is telling me "Hey! I did it! Why can't you?" Am I being too emotional? maybe over sensitive of my loss? losing it? I thought her loss is way different than mine. My father died when I was 7-years old, my grandmother died few years ago, my father-in-law who was very close to me recently died but their death is so different afterwards. It's just not the same, I feel different losing my baby, my Alanna. 

I just wonder if she has kids? I don't really know what's happening with me? maybe she is right, doctors are suppose to be smart right? I just don't know what to think anymore. I am just too weak and I hate it!

You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥

I am an Unfit Mother

I think I am losing it. My heart is aching because I think I know now why has God taken Alanna to me so soon. I am an Unfit Mother. I was helping my daughter in her homework, helping her read. I just kept shouting at her because she can't read her books. I lost my patience and hit her in her arm. My husband heard me shouting at her. I had to stop helping her with her homework and told myself I can't do it anymore. I even shouted at my husband and told him to help her do her homework. My daughter cried because I hit her very hard. I really feel so bad. I am so hurt that I screamed and hit my daughter for just not able to read the few words in her book. Why would God give Alanna to me if I can not even handle my other daughter? Maybe God is punishing me because I don't have patience with my kids. Maybe He knows that I am not worth to have another child. All I can do right now is cry. All this emotions is slowly destroying me. I am so scared that one day it will destroy my family. I am asking the Lord to give me more strength. God knows how I love my children so much. I wouldn't want them hurt. Please help me Lord and give me more strength. I love my children

Expected Due Date - November 4th, 2012

November 4 would've been just a regular day to everyone but November 4 is my Expected Due Date. The sad part is nobody knows it but me. No one remembered but me. The day I should have my baby Alanna but then she came too soon... came too soon.

I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried while my family was still sleeping tired from the party last night. I rubbed and felt my tummy while I cried shaking, thinking that if I touched my belly I will feel my baby.. still in there. Honestly, I still wish for the day that I will wake up one day and my baby will be there, hoped that I will wake up from this bad dream but then I know in my mind there will be no baby to hug and kiss and that this is not a bad dream but a reality. My baby is gone...

My husband woke up and saw me crying, he asked 'what's wrong mommy?' I hid my face in the blanket and shook my head and said 'nothing'. Luckily, my kids were awake and they came running in our bedroom so I hugged and kissed them. My family-- the reason for me to go on with life, the reason for me not to lose hope. After few minutes of just cuddling with my kids, I asked my husband what's for breakfast, I had to think of something to avoid his question. Told him I'm starving. I don't know if avoiding the question is the right thing to do but I thought it is. I'm just not sure anymore. I wish there were books to read about what to do, class to attend to learn how to.. but here I am lost and trying to find my way.

It felt like a cold water has been thrown in my face. I think I need someone to really slap me hard in the face, shake me hard and shout to me that my baby is dead! There I said it, my baby is dead! Those words are just so hard to accept even just typing them makes me cry.

Still I ask the questions why? Why me? Why my baby? Why did it happen? Why didn't I know you're coming too early? Why are you not with me, not in my arms? Why has God taken you so early? Why can no one save you? Why? Why? Why? It just hurt so much, it's just so unfair!

My fear came, my baby's due date came and still I don't have my baby Alanna. What happen is not a bad dream--Reality is she is gone. God help me to see, please guide me and give me strength.

Surviving our First Holiday- Happy Thanksgiving Canada

Thanksgiving is a day of family gatherings and good food. There is laughter, joy and just a great feeling of love for family and friends.Thanksgiving is a start of family and/or friends get togethers. But then after my baby Alanna's loss I thought to myself  “What can I be thankful for?" I feel that Thanksgiving is a useless and a painful holiday because I do not feel very thankful with my terribly hurting heart. I still think of my baby Alanna, always thinking what would it be like having her with us, celebrating what should have been our first holiday together as a FAMILY. But then, I thought to myself, this shouldn't be the end of world, I know it is very hard but I am still thankful of many things.

Although I am filled with sorrow and pain over losing my baby Alanna, here's a list of things that I am thankful for:

• The time and memories I shared with my baby Alanna, no matter how short it was.
• For my loving husband, who has stood by my side, listening to my pain, giving me hugs and support that I need when I'm sad and weak the most.
• My 3 children who makes me laugh when my days are so low.
• Signs of true family and friendships through thick and thin, phone calls, hugs, messages and all the good things and support they did for our family.
• Good health for me, my husband and my 3 kids.
• The beauty of nature, the sun, moon, stars, flowers, and everything else around us.
• For the strength that God gives me everyday, that makes me a survivor.

Also want to share this message that I have found to other bereave parents:

"It is not carved in the stone that you must sit around a turkey pretending to be thankful. DO whatever it is you need to do this year. If Thanksgiving is a problem, explain to those who care about you that this years will be, by necessity, be different. Hope they will understand and if they don’t, let it be their problem for your needs are paramount right now."

Thanksgiving Holiday in Canada is fast approaching, it will be on Monday [October.8.2012]. Happy Thanksgiving Alanna. I am still thankful that you became part of our life even just for awhile. Love and miss you baby.

How many kids?

Two weeks past since I lost my baby Alanna. We went to Fantasy Fair just to have fun with my family. Its been so lonely in the house that I wanted to go out and spend my time with my husband and kids. I thought I need some air, I need to breathe. I was hoping to forget the loneliness, pain and emptiness in my heart.

There I sat in a bench staring at my kids enjoying their day. A lady sat with me and she started to have conversation. I guess she saw me smiling and staring at my kids while they were playing, then she asked me "How many kids do you have?" It hit me so hard! It’s like being stab in the heart so many times! I wanted to run and escape. I wanted to disappear. How do I answer that question? I thought to myself why would this lady ask me that question? Doesn't she know that my Alanna was just recently taken away from me?! Of course, I know that she doesn't know but a part of me wanted to tell her to leave me alone. But then I needed to answer her. I had to pause and think. Then I blurted and said "3 kids!" I felt a stab in my heart and tried so hard to hold back my tears. I thought of my baby Alanna after—should I have said 4 kids? I'm just scared that she will ask what happen to my baby, I’m just not ready yet I know I will cry there and then. It’s too painful to remember that I have lost my baby. How will I ever answer that question?? What is the right answer??!?

My 3 children and I am missing one