Going through it again

It's happening again. My doctor said I am going through depression. I am back to my medication because my moods starting to "act up". Can't sleep normally. One day I am all happy, next day I am the saddest person in the whole world. Alanna's death anniversary is coming up. Do I celebrate? What to do? No birthday party for my little girl. Even hard to say "death anniversary". Why not birthday? There are times you just wake up with tears in your eyes. All question. What to do.

Last week, I was getting rid of my kids toys and I see all this baby toys I was saving for Alanna. Pain. I had to stop and had to put them all in the plastic to give away. Some of the toys I imagine how she will be playing with them by this time. Heartache. Ice.

I've dwell enough. I've pretended it never happened. I thought I've survived but it feels like I am drowning again. I don't like this feeling. Weird, crazy feeling. Roller coaster --up and down -- up and down. It's like riding the Ferris wheel when your up you get that feeling, that excitement in your body when it goes down.. Hard to breathe, or is it the heart that sometime you need to inhale and exhale, no actually you feel so light when your up there. Sometimes with the over excitement you feel like you don't want to breath anymore, maybe the pain will go away. But then of course you have to go down that ferris wheel because of the other people waiting for you to come down.

I have been off from work since the past week. I just can't go to work with this feeling that I have. I tried so much to fake happiness until you make a normal life again. Sometimes I have to pretend it didn't happen. Scream. Cry. Just most days I don't know what to do. Don't know where to go.

Stay home-- flashes. reminds you of that day, thinking of what I could have done differently. It's so hard when you know even if you think of it there is nothing you can do. You can't bring the time back. No rewinding. That's it! I can not bring her back. I can't stay home!

Going out-- you see babies, kids. I've never seen so many babies sometimes. You turn left, you turn right. You compare. You think of what it would have been if Alanna is alive. Really hard to be happy. You feel guilty because you see your children happy and in you heart you are missing one. I can't go out!

My children-- Missing one in the picture

I don't really know where to go for the past few days 'til now. I can't go to work, hard to stay home and even just go out. Sometimes you feel you just want to die because  you feel that's the only solution so you don't feel anything. But then, I know my other kids still needs me and this is not the solution. I would want them to feel what I'm feeling. They've already lost a sister, what more if they lost their mother. Unthinkable.

I guess I just need time. Need to hit this wall. Grieve. I know I will be okay and I just need time to heal again. I am down but I know I will be up there. I will be okay.

Easter Long Weekend 2013

Mask on! Another holiday came and went. I am getting really better at this.

But of course there are times when I had to stop, think and just want to hide and run. I kept on telling myself that I am going to be okay now but there are those times that my tears were just ready to fall.

Starting with Good Friday, we just decided to stay home. We have relatives who came by for dinner. Me, my nieces and my daughter decided to paint our nails with Easter colors. Back of my head, I can't stop thinking of Alanna. This would have been an activity that me and my daughters would have fun doing in the future but instead I know it'll never happen. For now, I will be doing this with Alanna's big sister and just think of her watching us from up above.

	ANNA, AVA AND ALANNA'S HAND PHOTOS (The 'A' Girls) I am glad I have this photo. Alanna's fingers were long like her big sister Ava.  I enjoyed painting Alanna's sister's nails, I would've enjoyed painting her nails too.
	Ava's Painted Nails Easter Theme		My Easter Painted Nails
	Alanna's Tiny Hands

Saturday came, I decided to bake carrot muffins and decorate them with Easter theme. We were invited to have dinner over my brother-in-laws house so I thought to bring this to their place. I am not good with baking things but I bought this Quaker Carrot Muffin mixture where in you just have to add water.*grin* That's what I use. Then me and Alanna's sister, Ava decorated them. I made sure that I write Alanna's name.

When I was pregnant with Alanna, I had planned on enrolling myself in baking class. That was postponed when I lost her but now I made sure that I get myself enrolled in that class. The class will actually start tomorrow so I hope I will learn something. I am very excited.

Easter Sunday, this day was the hardest one, my eyes got teary but again I was able to hide from my friends. I don't think they've noticed. We were invited to go Easter egg hunting in one of our friend's house (Janetski!). I cried because I was happy? sad? I don't know--mixed emotions! I don't really know how to describe it because my friend mentioned to me that our priest was asking how we were doing. I was so 'touched' because someone still remembers. I am that person who don't really go to church every Sunday, I don't even personally know our priest, Father Edwin but for some reason I guess he remembers. I admit, I don't go to church that much which I think I should. ♥

After we lost Alanna', we've been going to church every single Sunday. But I feel "weird"? "weak"? (again I don't know how to describe it) because every time I go to church I end up crying. I also btw learned to bring handkerchief to church which is not me. But lately we stop going which I need to change about myself. I guess my belief is that God is Everywhere. I don't need to go to church because I can talk to Him wherever I am. But again, I still think I should go to church. HAH! Again, I don't know. Confused much?!

Anyway, today is Easter Monday also April 1st which is April Fools' day. Another month is over. Just thought of posting today and sharing what happened few days ago and also share this photos I got from my BL Community. Thank you for including Alanna and writing her name.

*Easter is a time to think about the “new life” that we have in Jesus. Easter is the greatest feast in the Christian calendar. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

	♥Thank you for remembering and writing ALANNA's Name this Easter ♥
	from Bo's Mom Kayla	Also from Kayla @ Unexpected Miracle
	from Samuel's Mom RaeAnne "All that Love Can Do"
	Alessa's Grandma Christi from "Treasure from my Heart"
	Hope and Janessa's Mom Shauna	from Shauna @ Pinwheels from Heaven
	Alanna's name with the August Babies who came and gone too soon	H&J Easter Angel Tree
	Gabriels' Mom Catherine @ Gabriel's Garden

Yin Yang Life: Living with 3 kids on earth & one in heaven

Ups and downs has always been part of life and things happen but wouldn't it be nice if everyone could simply rejoice without balancing it out especially after losing a baby? With my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven it's been a struggle for me balancing my life. I am so full of mixed emotions that I think I am numb. My son's birthday came and I am glorious that he is now 3, we had a party for him with close family and friends but then a part of me grieve that we are having all this party when my daughter lost her life. But then how can I be sad when I have a son that celebrates another year of his life? Is it just me? can someone tell me that this is normal?

Me carrying daughter Alanna and
my son Diezel's 3rd bday party

I am trying to get back into 'normal life', emotions brought up by my baby's death few months ago going all over the place and the life that I use to have before and after my loss. I am a mess! Not that anything is going wrong it is just that emotionally I am a mess. Am I going crazy?  The past months have been weird because I never know when something is going to trigger emotions that remind me of my Alanna.  Much of these things are the things that I do with my kids where I know that I will never do with my baby. All I can do is imagine and say my 'what ifs'--so sad. 

I wish there are books to read or classes that I can attend to so I can learn how to balance my life back. I guess this is my normal me. Maybe just need to accept that things have changed, life have changed, that I have changed and this is the new me! C'est la vie!?! ["Such is life"]

I am an Unfit Mother

I think I am losing it. My heart is aching because I think I know now why has God taken Alanna to me so soon. I am an Unfit Mother. I was helping my daughter in her homework, helping her read. I just kept shouting at her because she can't read her books. I lost my patience and hit her in her arm. My husband heard me shouting at her. I had to stop helping her with her homework and told myself I can't do it anymore. I even shouted at my husband and told him to help her do her homework. My daughter cried because I hit her very hard. I really feel so bad. I am so hurt that I screamed and hit my daughter for just not able to read the few words in her book. Why would God give Alanna to me if I can not even handle my other daughter? Maybe God is punishing me because I don't have patience with my kids. Maybe He knows that I am not worth to have another child. All I can do right now is cry. All this emotions is slowly destroying me. I am so scared that one day it will destroy my family. I am asking the Lord to give me more strength. God knows how I love my children so much. I wouldn't want them hurt. Please help me Lord and give me more strength. I love my children