Capture Your Grief, Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Alanna's First Photo - Ultrasound taken Saturday, June 30, 2012. I remember I found out that we are going to have a baby girl.

Our First Meet- First photo of me and my baby
19th Aug 2012 5:42 AM

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go."

My eldest son with his dad saying their goodbyes during Alanna's funeral visitation
"Goodbye for now but we'll meet again"
22.August.2012

Alanna Phoebe. Her first name "Alanna" came from my name and her dad's, from Anna and Rolan (A-Lan-nA). Her second name "Phoebe" came from the show "Friends". All my other children got their second names from the same show.

Also googled her name "Alanna" and "Phoebe" and I found out about these things, it came up with different meanings:

Alanna*

The name Alanna is a baby girl name.

Gaelic Meaning: 
The name Alanna is a Gaelic baby name. In Gaelic the meaning of the name Alanna is: Beautiful. Dear child.

American Meaning: 
The name Alanna is an American baby name. In American the meaning of the name Alanna is: meaning harmony, stone, noble, or fair.

Irish Meaning: 
The name Alanna is an Irish baby name. In Irish the meaning of the name Alanna is: This name of uncertain origin may be a feminine form of Man, or derived from the Irish Gaelic word for 'child'.

Celtic Meaning: 
The name Alanna is a Celtic baby name. In Celtic the meaning of the name Alanna is: This name of uncertain origin may be a feminine form of Man, or derived from the Irish Gaelic word for 'child'.

*(Source: http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/alanna)

Phoebe**

The name Phoebe is a baby girl name.

Greek Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Phoebe is: Daughter of Leda.

American Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is an American baby name. In American the meaning of the name Phoebe is: The shining one. Mother of Leto. Phoebe was one of the names for the Greek moon goddess.

Latin Meaning: 
The name Phoebe is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Phoebe is: The shining one. Mother of Leto. Phoebe was one of the names for the Greek moon goddess.

**(Source: http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/phoebe)

Capture Your Grief, Day 22: Place of Care/Birth

For Capture your Grief, Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

Wow, I think I had to read this one many times and how I wish I have something to write  and share but it just bring so much heartbreaking memories.  First of all, I delivered where I'm not suppose to   have my baby which always makes me sad. Thinking that if we were home that day, things would've been different. (But then I'll never know, I still need to accept that part)  I don't know if you have read my STORY but I gave birth unexpectedly. 'Unexpectedly' is the term that I use I guess because I was only 28-weeks pregnant and did not know that I will have Alanna that day. (I googled the word Unexpectedly and the found the words 'prematurely', 'too soon' 'on short notice', 'out of the blue'.. maybe I should use those instead... but what the heck, I already wrote it).

I delivered in QHC Belleville General Hospital, I don't have a picture of the place/building but below is the picture taken there. Maybe someday, I will come and visit. I don't have pictures of the doctors and nurses who cared and helped with my baby, but how I wish I have their pictures because I know they did their very best. If only I knew that this would be part of the "capture your grief", then I would have taken their pictures. And a souvenir would be nice just for me to remember those who were there during that day. 

The idea of 'Place of care' where in I feel that I didn't even had the chance to take care of my Alanna just breaks my heart. It just happen so fast. I saw her alive for a few minutes, got separated and next thing I know she is gone. It just doesn't sound right for me :(

Eniweyz, since my eyes' starting to cry again, I want to share my husband's picture below, the person who went through it all,  the person who cared for me and our baby even though we had Alanna for a very short period of time. 

date: 19th August 2012
taken at  QHC Belleville Hospital

Capture Your Grief, Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

Losing Alanna made me realize how family and friends are so important. Through her, I found who my true family and friends are. But the most supportive I would say is my husband, the only person who went through it all and knows what it feels like to lose our baby Alanna because he experienced it too. The person who was there when I want to explode and lose hope. I remember him telling me to be strong and think of our 3 kids. I know we don't always talk about our Alanna but I know in my heart he missed her too. I do hear him sniffs sometimes even if he denies and give me an excuse that it's just his "allergy" I know that he is sad and just trying to be strong for both of us. Below is the picture I found of Daddy (it's what I call him) with my Alanna. The first time I saw this picture, it made me cry and wish that things were different, wish that my baby is with us.