St Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Nothing much to say today. It has been a crazy and fun week and so today is more of staying at home with your brothers and sister just tidying up the house as usual.

Thank you Catherine

Also last day before after March Break! Guess who slept in? I woke up and look for them and I saw your brothers and sister sleeping in the living room. Please continue watching over them my baby angel Alanna. ♥♥♥

One of those days when I thought of you and think
"what would it feel like if you are here my Alanna?"

More Personalized Christmas 2012 Ornaments for Baby Alanna

I know 2012 is over but I just want to share the Personalized Christmas Ornaments that I got for Alanna. I was praying for them to arrive before Christmas day and they all did came on time, came a day before Christmas. I was not able to post them as Holidays has been really busy. But here there are: 

♥ Thanks Alanna, I was praying for them to come before Christmas and you did it for Mommy. Love you Baby~! You made my heart jumped for joy. Christmas wasn't that all bad because I know and I feel you were there. ♥

Alanna Phoebe 2012 Christmas Ornament
A Year that I will never forget ♥

♥ Alanna Phoebe Baby Pink Snowman ♥
I really wish I have her on my stockings
on Christmas. Love you Baby~!

I love that I chose this, Alanna is an Angel
for her brothers and sister

~Alanna is always going to be part of our Christmas~
♥ Our Family Names All Complete ♥

Mom, Dad and our kids~!
♥ Alanna will always be a part of our family ♥

Our Family

For those people who are interested to buy this things or similar. I got them at Ebay, the name of the seller is mj23collector. Go to his Ebay Store HERE. ♥

Remembering Year 2012

There so many things that I want to write about the year 2012  but for some reason I don't really know how to start. I guess because half of it I want to forget and half I want to remember. There's so many happy, sad and "sadappy" moments but I guess my 2012 will always be remembered as the year when I met my baby Alanna. It will also a year I lost someone so precious in my family, someone who is very important to me. 2012-- My Alanna was born and was taken away.

I think when I hear or see the year 2012, it will be always remembered how my baby Alanna was born but was taken so suddenly away from us. Is that something bad? or good? There will be always something different or should I say something 'special' about my 2012. Year 2012 is a year that I will never forget. 

Would it be unfair that some of  the events that happen to my family this year will not be too remembered like our family vacations or our family celebrating holidays or even my kids birthday parties? Am I a bad mother to my other kids because all I can think about is what happen to my baby Alanna and not when they turned 3 or 6 or 10 years old?  

2012 is a year...

...when I turned 32.

...when my kids turned 10, 6 and 3 years old.

...when I found out that I am having a baby girl.

...when we went to the Philippines for a family vacation(Alanna was there too~! in my tummy♥♥♥)

...when my heart was broken because of someone who you trusted so much.

...when my heart broke because I lost my baby daughter Alanna. 

...when I felt how losing someone can hurt so much.

...when I met who really are my true friends and family.

...when I learn to blog and meet new people.

...when I realize things shouldn't be taken for granted.

Importantly 2012 is a year when I met my beautiful, precious baby Alanna.

It may be a year when my baby died but it will also be remembered as a year that she was born. I even feel that I am not ready for 2013 but then here it is..it's a new year. new hope and a  new life ahead that I am not sure what it brings for my family. 

I am ending my year missing my baby Alanna and starting it with missing her still. We lit a sparkle on new year to remember you my baby. The cold weather never stopped us from lighting them for you. I hope you enjoyed looking at them as your brother and sister lit them. We love and miss you so much my baby~! Loving you for Infinity and Beyond~!

big sister lighting a sparkle with Alanna's sparkle

big bro lighting a sparkle with Alanna's sparkle

Alanna's sparkles sending our love

Christmas Day with Alanna

Merry Christmas Baby Alanna! Hope you had a wonderful Christmas
in Heaven. ♥♥♥

We were so busy this Christmas 2012 because family came over to celebrate with us. Honestly, I didn't know how to celebrate Christmas this year. I would say "I just went with the flow". Of course I had to put up a smile, have that "happy-nothing is wrong-i'm feeling great!" mask on that day. It's just weird that I am so happy outside but inside I'm still hurt and crushed. 

I wanted my 3-kids to be happy this Christmas, I know they are looking forward on celebrating and getting gifts. I think they are still young to understand how Mommy really feels sad. Sometimes, I'm thinking I am not fair to them because of the sadness that I'm feeling especially when they see me randomly cries when I should be happy because I have them. I don't know. I'm not really sure, I just don't know what is right and what is wrong. This life of mine is just so hard to balance. Weird?! super Confused?! 

Lit a candle with our Mini
Family Fireplace --- our names on it including Alanna

Eniweyz, before I start to cry again I just want to share what I did for Alanna before Christmas was over, after our last guest went home. We lit a candle for Alanna and said a prayer. My daughter also wrote something on a paper for her baby sister which brought tears in my eyes and also made me smile because she really did try her very best to write to her baby sister even though she was having a hard time spelling words. I'm just sharing photos. ♥♥♥ It's 2 AM in the morning now, gtg to sleep. Love you Alanna, *MUAHz*

Our daughter wrote a small note - I really
did not understand what it says because
it was all over the place so I asked her
what it means, she said the note says
"I love you Alanna so much! no heart broken" ♥♥♥

Snowflake Ornament - St Barnabas Catholic Church

When we attended the mass at Saint Barnabas Catholic Church, we saw this Christmas tree with paper shaped ornaments. It has special messages and wishes written on them. I thought of my Alanna and wanted to make an ornament for her to hang in there too. I've decided to make a paper snowflake so I asked my 6-year old daughter Ava to help me make this paper snowflakes. She got excited and so we both did a snowflake for her little baby sister. I thought it was the most beautiful paper snowflake I have ever made plus the idea and the thought of making something for Alanna with Ava really makes a huge difference. I felt the love coming from Ava for her baby sister. Me hearing her say her little baby sisters name over and over really warms up my heart..."It's the thought that counts", right?

We use white, purple and yellow papers. Folded, cut and glued them together then we added some stickers and ribbons. After making it, we dropped by last Sunday and hang it with the other Christmas ornaments at St Barnabas Catholic Church.  

Add caption

  

Another Christmas Ornament 2012

Porcelain Snowman Pink Girl Ornament arrived with Alanna Phoebe's Name came first week of December. I was not able to post it right away but I just want to share this today. Already in our Family Christmas Tree. Got it from Ebay! ♥♥♥

Christmas Ornament that I got for Alanna

Detour of the Month - Christmas to honor our Baby

Here it is "Detour of the month time again" and just when you are headed back to the main road after Halloween here comes another holiday. We know they're really the detour season and I don't have to tell you why, do I?

I know Christmas is going to be different this year, it would have been Alanna's first holiday. Last week, we bought gifts for family and friends for Christmas and when I was wrapping them I asked myself what I want this Christmas. It reminded me what Catherine from Twinkleoflight/Gabriel's Garden made for me that I requested-- a message 'All I want for Christmas is You', made me smile because that is what I really want for Christmas. I know I would not have her in my arms but in my heart she is there. I smiled because I have already received the best gift this year-- Alanna in my heart. I have accepted that she is gone here on earth but I know someday we will be together again. "Every sunset brings me one day closer to you~!" thanks to Catherine again~!

I will be celebrating Christmas with my family and friends and Alanna in my thoughts because I'm sure this is what she would want me to do. Yes, I am sad and still yearning for her which I will always will for the rest of my life but I know that she is up there to celebrate with me. I will view Christmas as an opportunity to honor her memories. I want her to be included as we celebrate Christmas to come.  These past few days, I made some things for her. I will be posting things that I got and made for her this Christmas here. Ordered things online hoping that they will arrive before Christmas.

Look like this?

One other thing, I was having a problem signing cards and gift tags, the "from" part. Usually I write my 3 kids name but I don't know if I should write Alanna's name this year. The first tag, I wrote my 3 kids name (KC, Ava , Diezel) and after their name I drew an angel (I'm not good with drawing but my angel looks like a butterfly? ♥♥♥). I'm really not sure how to do it? are there rules? Do you guys have any suggestions? How do you guys write the from "part" when you guys send Christmas cards or tagnames or just any cards?... Help?!

Alanna's Christmas 2012

Things that I made, bought and received for Alanna this Christmas. I'll be adding them as we get them. Some still being shipped hope to receive them before Christmas!

First Ornament that I made for my Alanna

Our Xmas tree this year. "Bluer than blue~!"
and Alanna's Snowglobe with her picture and her footprints

Alanna Phoebe Christmas Sleigh

ceramic ornament that has Alanna's name

♥♥♥

You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥

Surviving our First Holiday- Happy Thanksgiving Canada

Thanksgiving is a day of family gatherings and good food. There is laughter, joy and just a great feeling of love for family and friends.Thanksgiving is a start of family and/or friends get togethers. But then after my baby Alanna's loss I thought to myself  “What can I be thankful for?" I feel that Thanksgiving is a useless and a painful holiday because I do not feel very thankful with my terribly hurting heart. I still think of my baby Alanna, always thinking what would it be like having her with us, celebrating what should have been our first holiday together as a FAMILY. But then, I thought to myself, this shouldn't be the end of world, I know it is very hard but I am still thankful of many things.

Although I am filled with sorrow and pain over losing my baby Alanna, here's a list of things that I am thankful for:

• The time and memories I shared with my baby Alanna, no matter how short it was.
• For my loving husband, who has stood by my side, listening to my pain, giving me hugs and support that I need when I'm sad and weak the most.
• My 3 children who makes me laugh when my days are so low.
• Signs of true family and friendships through thick and thin, phone calls, hugs, messages and all the good things and support they did for our family.
• Good health for me, my husband and my 3 kids.
• The beauty of nature, the sun, moon, stars, flowers, and everything else around us.
• For the strength that God gives me everyday, that makes me a survivor.

Also want to share this message that I have found to other bereave parents:

"It is not carved in the stone that you must sit around a turkey pretending to be thankful. DO whatever it is you need to do this year. If Thanksgiving is a problem, explain to those who care about you that this years will be, by necessity, be different. Hope they will understand and if they don’t, let it be their problem for your needs are paramount right now."

Thanksgiving Holiday in Canada is fast approaching, it will be on Monday [October.8.2012]. Happy Thanksgiving Alanna. I am still thankful that you became part of our life even just for awhile. Love and miss you baby.