Going through it again

It's happening again. My doctor said I am going through depression. I am back to my medication because my moods starting to "act up". Can't sleep normally. One day I am all happy, next day I am the saddest person in the whole world. Alanna's death anniversary is coming up. Do I celebrate? What to do? No birthday party for my little girl. Even hard to say "death anniversary". Why not birthday? There are times you just wake up with tears in your eyes. All question. What to do.

Last week, I was getting rid of my kids toys and I see all this baby toys I was saving for Alanna. Pain. I had to stop and had to put them all in the plastic to give away. Some of the toys I imagine how she will be playing with them by this time. Heartache. Ice.

I've dwell enough. I've pretended it never happened. I thought I've survived but it feels like I am drowning again. I don't like this feeling. Weird, crazy feeling. Roller coaster --up and down -- up and down. It's like riding the Ferris wheel when your up you get that feeling, that excitement in your body when it goes down.. Hard to breathe, or is it the heart that sometime you need to inhale and exhale, no actually you feel so light when your up there. Sometimes with the over excitement you feel like you don't want to breath anymore, maybe the pain will go away. But then of course you have to go down that ferris wheel because of the other people waiting for you to come down.

I have been off from work since the past week. I just can't go to work with this feeling that I have. I tried so much to fake happiness until you make a normal life again. Sometimes I have to pretend it didn't happen. Scream. Cry. Just most days I don't know what to do. Don't know where to go.

Stay home-- flashes. reminds you of that day, thinking of what I could have done differently. It's so hard when you know even if you think of it there is nothing you can do. You can't bring the time back. No rewinding. That's it! I can not bring her back. I can't stay home!

Going out-- you see babies, kids. I've never seen so many babies sometimes. You turn left, you turn right. You compare. You think of what it would have been if Alanna is alive. Really hard to be happy. You feel guilty because you see your children happy and in you heart you are missing one. I can't go out!

My children-- Missing one in the picture

I don't really know where to go for the past few days 'til now. I can't go to work, hard to stay home and even just go out. Sometimes you feel you just want to die because  you feel that's the only solution so you don't feel anything. But then, I know my other kids still needs me and this is not the solution. I would want them to feel what I'm feeling. They've already lost a sister, what more if they lost their mother. Unthinkable.

I guess I just need time. Need to hit this wall. Grieve. I know I will be okay and I just need time to heal again. I am down but I know I will be up there. I will be okay.

Things happens for a reason...

THINGS HAPPENS FOR A REASON... and so I've been told... I just can't figure out what's the reason 'til now. I've thought of a lot of reasons but moost of them just give me heartaches.  I really hope I know what's the reason. Do you? Does things really happen for a reason? 

Just another day

Bang! it hit me again. This feeling that I thought I wouldn't feel. I thought I'm good but I guess this is as good as it gets. I got a renewal notice for my baby Alanna's health card this week. First few days, I said HA! that's funny... but really it's a thug in my heart that I can not explain.

I have not written so long because I did put my feelings aside... because everytime I write, I cry. I hate that feeling but here I am crying and writing but I guess that's the reason I have this blog, to write whatever. I just need to let it out. I don't care how my eyes will be so puffy tonight. I just need it. I don't even know what else to write. I just feel like writing. Does it make sense? is it craziness? am I crazy! It's been a year and almost 10 months... The feeling just comes and goes.. it wouldn't go away.... Do I want it to go away? Maybe not, because that means I have to forget about My baby Alanna.

Does it heal? is there a cure?  Maybe I don't need it because I don't think this is sickness.... I am just so sad this week. How can I miss something I never really had? Call it crazy! I guess because she was there inside of me... I just wish I have her here with me. hols her, play with her... (wish not granted!)

I have not gone to work for a few days now. I called my manager and he ask is everything alright? I said everything is ok but I just can't go to work right now. I wanted to tell him everything. His voice is so concerned. I just don't want to say it, I guess. i just don't know HOW to say it. How can I explain? I am just happy that he is giving me these days off. He did not ask more question, maybe he understand from my voice. Wonderful boss. Im sure tomorrow I'll be ok(I hope). This is just a phase, just a phase, just a phase. I'm sure I'll be ok again... one of these days.

I miss you Alanna really hope you are here. I would have been planning your 2nd birthday party.  It is coming soon. You know mommy knows how to make fondant cakes. I would have enjoyed making one for your birthday but I guess I have to skip that and plan birthday party for your brothers and sisters instead. ILOVEYOU for infinty and beyond!

Happy 11-months heaven birthday

Today, Im writing this post in my Ipad while Im riding the bus to work. I am hoping that by the time Im in the station Ill finish and be able to  publish this post. sometimes great just rising in the bus away from everything. I usually just read things but today I decided to write. (misspelling and quotation may not be used properly because the typing with bus moving and shaking? a bit challenging)

Just want to bring out what I feel lately after11 months of losing my baby. around this time last year, I was pregnant with Alanna NOT knowing that my life will change after a month. I use to think how my life was so perfect. I was so contented, fulfilled and sohappy with my life... got a house, a car, a good job and great family.... And then a new baby coming( how awesome is that?). I was even planning on what Ill be doing on my 1 year maternity leave. Hoping to travel and spend time with my family especially my kids. But here I am... heart broken. 

i cant deny it, there are days where I tried to forget the pain and my loss. i know i have to face now and 'go on' with my 'normal new life'. I have accepted that I am a mother who lost a baby. Yes the pain comes ang goes.. I guess this is it. I am learning to control my feelings and emotions and I think I am good with that. so far so good. The question how many kids? I usually say 3 and just try to inhale and exhale and push back that thought that I should have said 4. Just dont want to be asked so many questions... actually there is one time when I said '4 but I lost one'. They said sorry but this person did not ask more questions. I guess they dont know what to really say.. somewhat I felt that I shut her up. I guess depending on the situation I learn to way things to say to a person, I learn to say when to say 3 or 4.

Small baby steps at a time... thats all I can say for now.. so ironic that I had to use that 'baby' word when I know that the reason Im doing this baby steps is because I lost a baby. 

Til then.. bus station is here.. 

Happy 11 months heaven birthday my Alanna. ❤

Thanks Shauna.. I don't know how u keep track but you always amaze and surprise me.

my view of the bus.. So empty like what im feeling