Going through it again

It's happening again. My doctor said I am going through depression. I am back to my medication because my moods starting to "act up". Can't sleep normally. One day I am all happy, next day I am the saddest person in the whole world. Alanna's death anniversary is coming up. Do I celebrate? What to do? No birthday party for my little girl. Even hard to say "death anniversary". Why not birthday? There are times you just wake up with tears in your eyes. All question. What to do.

Last week, I was getting rid of my kids toys and I see all this baby toys I was saving for Alanna. Pain. I had to stop and had to put them all in the plastic to give away. Some of the toys I imagine how she will be playing with them by this time. Heartache. Ice.

I've dwell enough. I've pretended it never happened. I thought I've survived but it feels like I am drowning again. I don't like this feeling. Weird, crazy feeling. Roller coaster --up and down -- up and down. It's like riding the Ferris wheel when your up you get that feeling, that excitement in your body when it goes down.. Hard to breathe, or is it the heart that sometime you need to inhale and exhale, no actually you feel so light when your up there. Sometimes with the over excitement you feel like you don't want to breath anymore, maybe the pain will go away. But then of course you have to go down that ferris wheel because of the other people waiting for you to come down.

I have been off from work since the past week. I just can't go to work with this feeling that I have. I tried so much to fake happiness until you make a normal life again. Sometimes I have to pretend it didn't happen. Scream. Cry. Just most days I don't know what to do. Don't know where to go.

Stay home-- flashes. reminds you of that day, thinking of what I could have done differently. It's so hard when you know even if you think of it there is nothing you can do. You can't bring the time back. No rewinding. That's it! I can not bring her back. I can't stay home!

Going out-- you see babies, kids. I've never seen so many babies sometimes. You turn left, you turn right. You compare. You think of what it would have been if Alanna is alive. Really hard to be happy. You feel guilty because you see your children happy and in you heart you are missing one. I can't go out!

My children-- Missing one in the picture

I don't really know where to go for the past few days 'til now. I can't go to work, hard to stay home and even just go out. Sometimes you feel you just want to die because  you feel that's the only solution so you don't feel anything. But then, I know my other kids still needs me and this is not the solution. I would want them to feel what I'm feeling. They've already lost a sister, what more if they lost their mother. Unthinkable.

I guess I just need time. Need to hit this wall. Grieve. I know I will be okay and I just need time to heal again. I am down but I know I will be up there. I will be okay.