How many kids?

Two weeks past since I lost my baby Alanna. We went to Fantasy Fair just to have fun with my family. Its been so lonely in the house that I wanted to go out and spend my time with my husband and kids. I thought I need some air, I need to breathe. I was hoping to forget the loneliness, pain and emptiness in my heart.

There I sat in a bench staring at my kids enjoying their day. A lady sat with me and she started to have conversation. I guess she saw me smiling and staring at my kids while they were playing, then she asked me "How many kids do you have?" It hit me so hard! It’s like being stab in the heart so many times! I wanted to run and escape. I wanted to disappear. How do I answer that question? I thought to myself why would this lady ask me that question? Doesn't she know that my Alanna was just recently taken away from me?! Of course, I know that she doesn't know but a part of me wanted to tell her to leave me alone. But then I needed to answer her. I had to pause and think. Then I blurted and said "3 kids!" I felt a stab in my heart and tried so hard to hold back my tears. I thought of my baby Alanna after—should I have said 4 kids? I'm just scared that she will ask what happen to my baby, I’m just not ready yet I know I will cry there and then. It’s too painful to remember that I have lost my baby. How will I ever answer that question?? What is the right answer??!?

My 3 children and I am missing one