Christmas Day with Alanna

Merry Christmas Baby Alanna! Hope you had a wonderful Christmas
in Heaven. ♥♥♥

We were so busy this Christmas 2012 because family came over to celebrate with us. Honestly, I didn't know how to celebrate Christmas this year. I would say "I just went with the flow". Of course I had to put up a smile, have that "happy-nothing is wrong-i'm feeling great!" mask on that day. It's just weird that I am so happy outside but inside I'm still hurt and crushed. 

I wanted my 3-kids to be happy this Christmas, I know they are looking forward on celebrating and getting gifts. I think they are still young to understand how Mommy really feels sad. Sometimes, I'm thinking I am not fair to them because of the sadness that I'm feeling especially when they see me randomly cries when I should be happy because I have them. I don't know. I'm not really sure, I just don't know what is right and what is wrong. This life of mine is just so hard to balance. Weird?! super Confused?! 

Lit a candle with our Mini
Family Fireplace --- our names on it including Alanna

Eniweyz, before I start to cry again I just want to share what I did for Alanna before Christmas was over, after our last guest went home. We lit a candle for Alanna and said a prayer. My daughter also wrote something on a paper for her baby sister which brought tears in my eyes and also made me smile because she really did try her very best to write to her baby sister even though she was having a hard time spelling words. I'm just sharing photos. ♥♥♥ It's 2 AM in the morning now, gtg to sleep. Love you Alanna, *MUAHz*

Our daughter wrote a small note - I really
did not understand what it says because
it was all over the place so I asked her
what it means, she said the note says
"I love you Alanna so much! no heart broken" ♥♥♥

Snowflake Ornament - St Barnabas Catholic Church

When we attended the mass at Saint Barnabas Catholic Church, we saw this Christmas tree with paper shaped ornaments. It has special messages and wishes written on them. I thought of my Alanna and wanted to make an ornament for her to hang in there too. I've decided to make a paper snowflake so I asked my 6-year old daughter Ava to help me make this paper snowflakes. She got excited and so we both did a snowflake for her little baby sister. I thought it was the most beautiful paper snowflake I have ever made plus the idea and the thought of making something for Alanna with Ava really makes a huge difference. I felt the love coming from Ava for her baby sister. Me hearing her say her little baby sisters name over and over really warms up my heart..."It's the thought that counts", right?

We use white, purple and yellow papers. Folded, cut and glued them together then we added some stickers and ribbons. After making it, we dropped by last Sunday and hang it with the other Christmas ornaments at St Barnabas Catholic Church.  

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Revisiting the Funeral Homes

We were waiting for our turn because
someone was there before us 

Last Sunday, we went to Ogden Funeral Homes where Alanna's visitation was done. We got a letter from them a few weeks back inviting us to come to the funeral home to light a Candle of Remembrance in memory of our dear beloved Alanna. For the month of December, they have this special area where bereaved families can stop by and light a candle so before Christmas we thought of visiting Ogden to light a candle and to  remember our missed baby Alanna. 

Alanna's Big brother writing on the guestbook. He lit a candle for his little baby sister Alanna. It was his first time lighting a candle  using matchsticks ♥♥ We had few laughs when he tried to lit it up. He ended up using the  other burning candle to lit the matchstick.

Alanna's big sister saying a little prayer and doing her little speech ♥♥, talking to Alanna in her own way. Almost made me cry because she was so shy but she said she missed her and greeted her "Merry Christmas"

   

We miss you baby Alanna. It is heartbreaking to go back to a place where people came to visit our baby daughter for the first and last time to remember and pay respect. I still remember those people who came. Flashbacks-- sad and happy thoughts came. It is sad to think what took place on that place but I am happy that family, relatives and close friends came to sympathize and support our family during those hard times. 

Me and my daughter lit a candle for our missed baby Alanna

@ Ogden Funeral Homes

We also got a special souvenir ornament that we can hang on our Christmas Tree this Christmas from Ogden Funeral Homes. ♥♥♥

from Ogden Funeral Homes

In Our Hearts Photo Pendants

Look what I got in the mail this week?!

I have few pictures of Alanna so for every website that I encounter who can make them into something special I try my very best to get them, my means of remembering her. I regret I only have few pictures of her but I am still glad that those few pictures I have can be made into something special like this "in our heart photo pendants."♥♥♥

Today I want to share In Our Hearts Photo Pendants that was created in honor of Madelyn Rebecca and Noah Benjamin as a way to memorialize the babies/children and loved ones who have left this world too soon. In Our Hearts Photo Pendants provides memorial pendants to parents (or other family members) who have lost a baby/child. For parents who do not have photos of their child, Celia can also create a pendant with your child's name or other design or symbol for your special child. For more information you can find  Celia on her Facebook page and they also have a Website. 

From Celia @  In Our Hearts Photo Pendants

I was expecting smaller ones but they are big and I LOVE it ~!♥♥♥

Something I can add on Alanna's Shadow box cabinet.
I might give one or 2 to someone
I'm not sure yet

Alanna's Name in Monterosso, Cinqueterre, Italy

Catherine wrote Alanna's Name when she went on a trip in Italy. I am really thankful that she did this for me and that she remembered. Alanna's name was written in the beach located in Monterosso, Cinqueterre, Italy. Thank you again and again and again Catherine @ Twinkle of Light... thank you for remembering ♥♥♥

Alanna's Name Written in the sand

Precious Baby Alanna's name in the sand of Italy!

Alanna's Name from Gabriel's Mom Catherine

Kaia Angel Hat Ornaments received

This week I received Kaia Angel Hat Ornaments via mail all the way from Stella, North Carolina, USA. It came with the special hat, the letter "A" in a pin, letter "A" sewn with yarn and a very "special" card. I took a picture of the card with the message that Brandy wrote that seems to look like it came from my Angel Alanna. I cried because it meant so much to me to see this message. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you  Brandy, Donald, Kayla and Kaia! I'm so happy I found you and your site.

♥♥♥ Thank you Kaia's family~! ♥♥♥

ABOUT KAIA ANGEL HAT ORNAMENTS: Brandy makes Kaia Angel Hat Ornaments in honor of Kaia, and in memory of other angels. She also makes preemie and infant hats and take to the local hospitals for the babies to wear. She does them for no cost but accept donations of yarn or for yarn, stamps, needles and loams.

She can be found on Facebook @ Kaia Angel Hat Ornaments

Another Christmas Ornament 2012

Porcelain Snowman Pink Girl Ornament arrived with Alanna Phoebe's Name came first week of December. I was not able to post it right away but I just want to share this today. Already in our Family Christmas Tree. Got it from Ebay! ♥♥♥

Christmas Ornament that I got for Alanna

Happy 4-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Happy 4-months birthday Alanna! Mommy miss you. I still wish you are here with us...OMG! I told myself that I am going to write my blog today and try not to cry but no luck, here I am crying while I typed! (INHALE-EXHALE)

OK after wiping my tears let me start again...

♥♥♥ My sleeping flower angel Alanna ♥♥♥

December's not really been that great for me, God knows I tried so hard keeping myself "fine and dandy", still trying to balance my life for my  kids, trying to be happy for them while my heart is so crushed inside for my loss of my precious baby Alanna. 

My daughter turned 6-year-old this month, we spent it at Great Wolf Lodge, which was our first outing as a family together after what happen with Alanna, away from home, away from everybody else. And of course, I saw baby girls in their cute swim suites(again imagining what would Alanna be like if she was there) but I was proud of myself because I was successful, no cries -- OK! I lied, I admit I teared up a bit but quickly wipe them away and look at my 3 kids enjoying their time, having fun in the water. 

I really am having this "Sadappy" feeling inside of me now that the holiday is coming up. My first December in my life that I am not so sure how to celebrate. I guess this is life for me now, a very big change that I am trying to accept and slowly learn... it's like being "reborn" again and learning things to my new "normal" me. The "new normal" that I was not expecting to come, I don't want to be in this position, never planned what's happening withbut unfortunately it is here. Yes, I am learning again how to "live life the fullest", I have to... for my family especially my children. I don't know when and how but I guess God only knows the answers. I really don't know how and when but I know I am trying.

I miss and love you Alanna. Happy 4-months heaven birthday my precious Angel. 

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Janessa and Hope's Mom - Shauna

I've been waiting for snow to come but unfortunately has not arrived in my area... not that I am complaining because I really don't like the snow but these past few days I was waiting for it to arrive so I can write Alanna's name on the snow. I'm still hoping that one of these days it will come and will be able to write her name. 

Today, I want to share what Shauna, Janessa and Hope's Mom did for me. My heart jumped when I received an email from her that contains these 2 photos on December 8. 

To Shauna, you made me very, very happy... I don't know you personally but you thinking about me and Alanna mean so much to me. Doing this for me, bring tears to my eyes not because I am sad but because I am so overjoyed, so happy, so overwhelmed that someone I knew and met through blogging did something very special. I really , really want to hug you! From the bottom of my heart thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

To my precious baby Alanna... Happy 4-months heaven birthday~! Mommy will be very busy today but I will be thinking about you with "Sadappy" thoughts. I love and miss you~!

Connecticut Shooting Sandy Hook Elementary School

The news of the children and people whose lives were taken in Connecticut brings so much sadness in the world. The news really brought me back to that day when I lost my Alanna. Thinking that everything is fine and that nothing bad will ever happen to your child when next thing you know she is gone. 

I just can't imagine the terror these little innocent children have faced. My heart goes to their families especially this month when Christmas is so close. 

When I found out about the news, I was crying inside, I mourn just thinking about how these parents feel waiting to hear if their children is safe or if their children lost their lives. I cry for the teachers who tried to protect their students and then lost their lives doing it. My heart goes to those children traumatized, young children who witnessed this horrible incident, just can't imagine how they will come back to school after what they have experienced. 

I worry and thought of my innocent children. I just can't stop worrying about them leaving the house without me. We live in a cruel place where we don't know what's going to happen next. We tried so hard to make sure nothing bad is going to happen to them but sometimes even if we don't want them to get hurt, things just happen. 

I worry about my children's safety everyday

I pray for all of the families of the children and the teachers who were sadly killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School. 

Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks

I will never get tired of seeing people write Alanna's name.  It means so very much to me.  It help to keep her memory alive.

Thank you so much Kyla!!♥♥♥  Please visit Kyla at Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks.

Angel Whispers

I opened it and it came with
a Memorybox & Care Packages
"It also says
donation in memory of
precious baby Emily Williams"
Thank you~!

Today I want to share ANGEL WHISPERS, a non-profit charity operating under the umbrella of Families First Society of Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, Canada. It was created by three moms in the Edmonton area who have experienced the loss of their baby, one shortly after birth, one through miscarriage, and one through stillbirth. I invite you to support what they do and visit their website for more information.

I also want to share what I have received from them--a very Special Care Package from Angel Whispers. I want to thank them for everything they've sent me. Newsletters, support group information, Zoe's Memory box, a keepsake(beautiful angel wings) and a Certificate of Birth (Alanna's name on it!). I think their website is amazing especially the things that they do for parents who have loss their baby. I remember having a sad, bad day but when I open our door I was surprised to see this package in our doorstep. I was so excited to open it, I feel blessed and happy after opening it. I felt loved.♥♥♥. I was not expecting it to come so soon but I received them after 5 days from requesting the package. I really, really love all the information that I got and all the things that I received that I will sponsor a care package in memory of my Alanna Phoebe. I've been looking to find something to remember her and I think this is one thing that I will do. Hoping to do it at least once a year or maybe more... who knows? If you are looking to do this for your baby I invite you to go to their website. For every $10.00 donation they will send out a care package to another newly bereaved family in memory of your baby, with the special label on the cover.

Zoe's Memory box

I feel in love with this lovely wings. I was not expecting it but I LOVE IT!

My heart filled with joy seeing Alanna's name on this Beautiful Certificate of Birth
♥♥♥

Zoe's Box, Angel wings, Certificate of Birth, card and care package.
Angel Whisper's really care~!

Detour of the Month - Christmas to honor our Baby

Here it is "Detour of the month time again" and just when you are headed back to the main road after Halloween here comes another holiday. We know they're really the detour season and I don't have to tell you why, do I?

I know Christmas is going to be different this year, it would have been Alanna's first holiday. Last week, we bought gifts for family and friends for Christmas and when I was wrapping them I asked myself what I want this Christmas. It reminded me what Catherine from Twinkleoflight/Gabriel's Garden made for me that I requested-- a message 'All I want for Christmas is You', made me smile because that is what I really want for Christmas. I know I would not have her in my arms but in my heart she is there. I smiled because I have already received the best gift this year-- Alanna in my heart. I have accepted that she is gone here on earth but I know someday we will be together again. "Every sunset brings me one day closer to you~!" thanks to Catherine again~!

I will be celebrating Christmas with my family and friends and Alanna in my thoughts because I'm sure this is what she would want me to do. Yes, I am sad and still yearning for her which I will always will for the rest of my life but I know that she is up there to celebrate with me. I will view Christmas as an opportunity to honor her memories. I want her to be included as we celebrate Christmas to come.  These past few days, I made some things for her. I will be posting things that I got and made for her this Christmas here. Ordered things online hoping that they will arrive before Christmas.

Look like this?

One other thing, I was having a problem signing cards and gift tags, the "from" part. Usually I write my 3 kids name but I don't know if I should write Alanna's name this year. The first tag, I wrote my 3 kids name (KC, Ava , Diezel) and after their name I drew an angel (I'm not good with drawing but my angel looks like a butterfly? ♥♥♥). I'm really not sure how to do it? are there rules? Do you guys have any suggestions? How do you guys write the from "part" when you guys send Christmas cards or tagnames or just any cards?... Help?!

Alanna's Christmas 2012

Things that I made, bought and received for Alanna this Christmas. I'll be adding them as we get them. Some still being shipped hope to receive them before Christmas!

First Ornament that I made for my Alanna

Our Xmas tree this year. "Bluer than blue~!"
and Alanna's Snowglobe with her picture and her footprints

Alanna Phoebe Christmas Sleigh

ceramic ornament that has Alanna's name

♥♥♥

I am just too weak and I hate it

Today I met with a doctor who was helping me fill up with the form from work. I tried my best not to break down and cry but still unsuccessful. Of course I had to tell her what happened and without success I cried and felt the pain, still hurt everytime I tell someone what happened on that day. I am just too weak and I hate it! The doctor was OK but I just didn't like when she told me her story about her Dad who died of Cancer in the hospital who was even treated but later died where she works for. Believe me, I do feel sorry that she lost her dad but why did she had to compare my loss? 

She told me that after a month she came back to work and that she still cries when someone asked her how she is doing. She told me that not going back to work is too much because it's been months now. It has been 3-months and 8-days since I lost her. Am I grieving too much? It just seems so fresh. It's like she is telling me "Hey! I did it! Why can't you?" Am I being too emotional? maybe over sensitive of my loss? losing it? I thought her loss is way different than mine. My father died when I was 7-years old, my grandmother died few years ago, my father-in-law who was very close to me recently died but their death is so different afterwards. It's just not the same, I feel different losing my baby, my Alanna. 

I just wonder if she has kids? I don't really know what's happening with me? maybe she is right, doctors are suppose to be smart right? I just don't know what to think anymore. I am just too weak and I hate it!

Yin Yang Life: Living with 3 kids on earth & one in heaven

Ups and downs has always been part of life and things happen but wouldn't it be nice if everyone could simply rejoice without balancing it out especially after losing a baby? With my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven it's been a struggle for me balancing my life. I am so full of mixed emotions that I think I am numb. My son's birthday came and I am glorious that he is now 3, we had a party for him with close family and friends but then a part of me grieve that we are having all this party when my daughter lost her life. But then how can I be sad when I have a son that celebrates another year of his life? Is it just me? can someone tell me that this is normal?

Me carrying daughter Alanna and
my son Diezel's 3rd bday party

I am trying to get back into 'normal life', emotions brought up by my baby's death few months ago going all over the place and the life that I use to have before and after my loss. I am a mess! Not that anything is going wrong it is just that emotionally I am a mess. Am I going crazy?  The past months have been weird because I never know when something is going to trigger emotions that remind me of my Alanna.  Much of these things are the things that I do with my kids where I know that I will never do with my baby. All I can do is imagine and say my 'what ifs'--so sad. 

I wish there are books to read or classes that I can attend to so I can learn how to balance my life back. I guess this is my normal me. Maybe just need to accept that things have changed, life have changed, that I have changed and this is the new me! C'est la vie!?! ["Such is life"]

You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥

Happy 3-months Heaven Birthday my Baby

Rose from daddy

Three months has passed and I feel the same. My heart♥ still aches and I still cries for you not being here with me. I am still lost and hanging on, I really wish there are books to learn on how to go on with life and how to ease the pain that I feel everyday. I always have to put that smile for everyone to see, to tell them that I am ok, that I am fine. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breath. I wonder if people knew that my heart is so crushed inside.

This is probably not want you want me to feel but it's there, I am hurting. I always say to myself that yes God has plans for you, easy to say but it just crushes me because this is not what I planned. I say so many things to somehow feel better but my heart always say something different--always longing to be with you.

Sometimes it makes me wonder, is there really heaven? am I a bad person to ask? I ask, but still I always imagine you up in the clouds, with angel wings looking down at us. I hope someone is taking care of you, maybe my papa, 'tatang' or grandma? I hope they are.. all I can do is imagine.

Happy 3-months birthday Alanna! I miss you baby. ♥♥♥

I love the color of these roses.
Daddy bought them for Alanna's 3rd-Month Heaven Birthday

----------------------------------

In memory of our Alanna,-- your brothers, sister and me started doing Baby Clay Names for other babies. I've been meaning to do this so they will remember you, I am just scared that one day they will forget you. But I am very happy that they are always excited to do clay names, theyve been mentioning your name as well. It felt that solid ice of silence is broken, it is ok to mention Alanna's name in our house.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Complete Medical Records Came

Alanna's Medical Records came this week from the hospital. I requested them few weeks back hoping some of my questions to be answered. I am glad that I did, having no autopsy done, I didn't know where to get answers. I know it won’t change anything but it gives me information on what occurred that day—(August 19th, 2012) on the last 2 hours and 3 minutes of my daughter’s life.

I know the doctors and nurses did their very best but it’s nice to know what happen and what they did. I was not there in the NICU. It has been bothering me not knowing any information. I was not even aware that my baby was having problem breathing. One minute you thought everything is fine, next thing you know death comes.

When the mail came, I wanted to open it right away but decided to wait and open it in the evening. I admit, I did stare at it for awhile and prayed that I will find answers and peace of mind.

Evening came; I opened the envelope, lots of pages, stapled into 2 sets. One has my name and one has Alanna's name. I decided to read my file first, nothing really interesting, I guess all the information I got from my file doesn't really interest me but it did gave me sadness when I read "Postpartum, unfortunately, the baby died neonatally." 

There were many words that most of it I can not understand.  Some of the pages were handwritten, some were typed electronically. I guess the medical terms they used were too alien to me to understand. Some words I had to google and look up.

Second set, Alanna’s medical file, it’s a thick set of paper. Started reading it, First few sentences I can handle...

"heart rate was above 120 both by monitors and auscultation" then

 "Other vitals were difficult to assess on monitoring available"

Few more sentences, I cried… all I can do is imagine. It’s been unpredictable because there are times when they were getting good results and there were times when her breathing decreases…

"decision was made to intubate the baby given no respiratory effort"

"baby was bagged again"

"baby was put into ventilator"

There are notes that made me smile because I knew Alanna tried her best to fight… to survive…

"baby's respiratory effort increased and she was taking occasional spontaneous breaths"

“the frequency of baby’s spontaneous breaths increased”

cap gas and chest xray were done…

"There was no Pneumothorax"

 

When I was reading that sentence, it felt like she was drowning and I was drowning with her. I thought of breathing for her, if only I can… I would've helped her breathe... I would've breath for her… I would've given her my lungs. If only those things are possible. But then life does not work like that... unfortunately.

I kept on reading while crying...

"heart rate started to decrease... dropped to less than 60"

"no heart rate was heard..."

"compressions had been performed for 30 minutes with no improvement in baby's status and no audible heart rate or palpable pulse. It was then decided to stop efforts. Death was pronounced at 0503 hours."

I stopped reading. I cried and I cried and I cried... I had to read the rest of the page the next day.

Reading her medical record broke my already broken heart. It brings me back when these were all happening, and I’m there in a different room… smiling, laughing, even planning for our future not knowing that there will be no future of us together. But I would recommend every parent to get a copy from the hospital. I know it did not change anything, my Alanna is still gone but it's nice to have this information especially in our case where we did not have any autopsy done for her. Maybe not all questions were answered but atleast I got few answered.