Christmas Day with Alanna

Merry Christmas Baby Alanna! Hope you had a wonderful Christmas
in Heaven. ♥♥♥

We were so busy this Christmas 2012 because family came over to celebrate with us. Honestly, I didn't know how to celebrate Christmas this year. I would say "I just went with the flow". Of course I had to put up a smile, have that "happy-nothing is wrong-i'm feeling great!" mask on that day. It's just weird that I am so happy outside but inside I'm still hurt and crushed. 

I wanted my 3-kids to be happy this Christmas, I know they are looking forward on celebrating and getting gifts. I think they are still young to understand how Mommy really feels sad. Sometimes, I'm thinking I am not fair to them because of the sadness that I'm feeling especially when they see me randomly cries when I should be happy because I have them. I don't know. I'm not really sure, I just don't know what is right and what is wrong. This life of mine is just so hard to balance. Weird?! super Confused?! 

Lit a candle with our Mini
Family Fireplace --- our names on it including Alanna

Eniweyz, before I start to cry again I just want to share what I did for Alanna before Christmas was over, after our last guest went home. We lit a candle for Alanna and said a prayer. My daughter also wrote something on a paper for her baby sister which brought tears in my eyes and also made me smile because she really did try her very best to write to her baby sister even though she was having a hard time spelling words. I'm just sharing photos. ♥♥♥ It's 2 AM in the morning now, gtg to sleep. Love you Alanna, *MUAHz*

Our daughter wrote a small note - I really
did not understand what it says because
it was all over the place so I asked her
what it means, she said the note says
"I love you Alanna so much! no heart broken" ♥♥♥