Monday 26 November 2012

Yin Yang Life: Living with 3 kids on earth & one in heaven


Ups and downs has always been part of life and things happen but wouldn't it be nice if everyone could simply rejoice without balancing it out especially after losing a baby? With my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven it's been a struggle for me balancing my life. I am so full of mixed emotions that I think I am numb. My son's birthday came and I am glorious that he is now 3, we had a party for him with close family and friends but then a part of me grieve that we are having all this party when my daughter lost her life. But then how can I be sad when I have a son that celebrates another year of his life? Is it just me? can someone tell me that this is normal?

Me carrying daughter Alanna and
my son Diezel's 3rd bday party
I am trying to get back into 'normal life', emotions brought up by my baby's death few months ago going all over the place and the life that I use to have before and after my loss. I am a mess! Not that anything is going wrong it is just that emotionally I am a mess. Am I going crazy?  The past months have been weird because I never know when something is going to trigger emotions that remind me of my Alanna.  Much of these things are the things that I do with my kids where I know that I will never do with my baby. All I can do is imagine and say my 'what ifs'--so sad. 
I wish there are books to read or classes that I can attend to so I can learn how to balance my life back. I guess this is my normal me. Maybe just need to accept that things have changed, life have changed, that I have changed and this is the new me! C'est la vie!?! ["Such is life"]

4 comments:

  1. It is very hard to balance grief and living children. It's been 5 years since my youngest died and in that time I discovered that I wasn't grieving at all. I was shutting it all away. Now I'm trying to learn to grieve all over again. It's so very hard

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    1. ♥♥♥ i can so relate.. i guess that's life.

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  2. I had a hard time and still have a hard time celebrating my living children's birthdays. I try to be happy for them and make it a good day but inside I'm sad. I try to take some time on holidays and b-days to just be by myself so I can cry and grieve. On birthdays and holidays I am Sadappy and that is just how my life will be from now on. ((Hugs))

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    1. I love that word "Sadappy"! best way to describe our feelings

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