Trip to Fatima Shrine - Buffalo, New York

We went to Buffalo, New York to go to Fatima Shrine (Basilica of the National Shrine or our Lady of Fatima). I prayed for Alanna and somewhat to let things out and speak to the Lord. Honestly, I still ask questions why He had taken her suddenly, why my baby, why my family.

Up until now, I admit I do constantly pray for answers and enlightenment, I ask for Him to give me signs. I know that my Alanna is in good hands but still I had to stop my tears from flowing because a part of me miss her, a part of me still don't want to accept that she is gone. Why did He not give me few more hours, few more days or few more years? Why He did not give me more time to embrace, kiss and take care of my dear Alanna?  Is it wrong to ask this questions? Is my faith being tested? I understand that God is here for us. He will carry us through our troubles but He does not guarantee that life will go as we wish. I pray for Him to help me find peace.

Eniweyz, all-in-all it was a great trip for our family, we went with my brother-in-laws family. We went around Buffalo... also had to pick up my Beanie4ABaby and my Ethan's FlameCandle from my Niece. 

We arrived in the Shrine and there were so many statues but I stopped on this one and stared... dunno why.

Alanna's big brother with Dad (top picture)

Me with big bro (lower left); Bro-in-law, Daddy and big brother (lower right)

in front of the Fatima Shrine Church Entrance

Alanna's big sister posing with the Saint statues

if it wasn't cold she would've wanted me to take

her picture with all the statues in there.

She is just a poser~!

Made me wonder if Alanna would've been the same ♥

Inside the Shrine, there was a room where we can light up red candles. ♥. It was one of those moments where my children remembered, they asked me if they can light a candle for Alanna! Touched of course I said YES~! Even though they are young I am happy that they think of her... so happy that they do remember their baby sister Alanna ♥.

Inside the Shrine with Alanna's big brothers and sister
Candle Lit~!

Alanna's big sister lighting another candle for Tatang and my Dad.

Alanna's big bro

Alanna's Big sis

Red Lit Candle

Another room in the church where you can write your wishes
and prayers

Alanna's cousin also lighting a Blue candle

Shrine's Roof top

Family on top of the Fatima Shrine roof... closer to Alanna ♥♥♥

Giant Rosary at Fatima Shrine

Something that I bought from the Fatima Shrine gift shop
Me and my daughter was looking for something that has
Alanna's name but unfortunately there is nothing.
Closest one we got was the baby sitting on a cube that
has the letter "A"

Thank you Ethan's Flame

Thank you to Ethan's Parents-- Joy and Brian for this beautiful, personalized handmade flameless memorial candle. I was so speechless.

I have found this site last year, a few months after I lost my Alanna through another BLMama and I fell in love with the candle that she got for her son. I checked Ethan's Flame website and wanted to get a candle for my Alanna but unfortunately was not able to order right away as they only ship in US. I tried to look locally for a similar candle but unfortunately did not find anything.

Recently, I thought of my relative in US and asked her a favor to have something shipped to her address, asked her to give it to my Niece afterwards who goes to school near the Canada border. I told her that I will pick it up when we come visit her. 

My wait and our trip is all worth it!♥♥♥

Ethan's Flame can make your own special candle with your baby's name and photo. There is also a beautiful poem at the back. It comes with a flame-less candle.

Please visit their website to read about Ethan and request your very own personalized flameless candle. ♥♥♥

Again, my heartfelt thank you Joy and Brian for this amazing and awesome candle. Thank you for what you do in memory of your beautiful Ethan and for offering light and inspiration for the baby loss community in our darkest moments.♥♥♥. 

Thank you Beanie 4 A Baby

Thank you Timothy Jr's Mom --Molly for Alanna's Beanie 4 A Baby. I know you've sent it way back in March to my niece address, I just got it last April 21. We finally had the time to cross the border and pick it up. It was worth the drive. ♥♥♥. Thank you so much.

Thank you for personalizing it-- I love seeing Alanna's name♥. Thank you for what you do in memory of your little Timothy and for the BL Community. ♥♥♥

One lovely day at the park

One of the struggles since I lost my Alanna is having to have fun again with my kids. After my loss, it felt like I have no right to smile again, no right to be happy. Because there is someone missing.

For those who knew me, I am a person who always smiles and laughs all the time and honestly I am sadly to say that I am learning to do that again(I try). I still do smile and laugh but there is always that part of me that cries, that stings, that still hurts when I am happy especially when that cause of that happiness is when I am with my children. I feel really bad and unfair especially to my kids but it just feel wrong to be happy when I am missing one of my children. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I being unfair? Is this normal?

Last week, we went to the park close to our house as the weather was just perfect. It's a walking distance so we walked while my other two kids went biking alongside. While we  were walking, I found this Rock in the park and thought it's heart shaped! Made me feel that Alanna was there watching over us. I felt great and I would say I enjoyed the day because it felt that my children are all in the park. I felt her presence and for that I am genuinely happy. It was a 'one lovely day at the park' ♥

Heart-Shaped Rock I found in the Park
I have regrets leaving it though
I am hoping that if the weather gets nicer and we
decided to go back, I would see it again.

I had to write Alanna's name in the Park's Sand ♥

All my Children in the park ♥

 

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna

Every month I look forward for the date 19 to come up... Wonder why?

Happy 8-months Heaven Birthday my baby Alanna~! 

Love and miss you.

Last weekend, I've woke up with tears in my eyes.. usually happens when I don't have to wake up and prepare your brother and sister lunch for school. I guess because on weekends I have that time in my bed to think of things that has happen in my life since I've lost you and also the things that happened that day. Flashbacks are always there~! There are still days when I thought of those "what ifs". God knows how I don't want to cry because there is no need to cry but here I am still crying. 

There is still a part of me that blames why you are gone. I am hoping in the future that I will realize things and fully understand things. For now life must go on...

"Everyday brings you one day closer for us to be together."

Please light a candle if you have a chance or say a little prayer. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

------------

Sometimes God picks a flower that's still in full bloom. 

Sometimes the flower that is chosen, we feel He's picked too soon.

We're at peace knowing; in God's heavenly garden,

He has placed the ones we treasure.

You have changed our lives forever.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-months bday

♥ 3-months bday
♥ 4-months bday
♥ 5-months bday
♥6-months bday
♥7-months bday
♥8-months bday

Wings of Jeremiah

I wanted to share the memory box that I have received from Amanda @ Wings of Jeremiah.

The Package came yesterday and of course I was so excited to open it. Box itself made me smile. There was a drawing of the Wings of Jeremiah Logo that I have seen on their facebook page when they have posted "Memory box heading to an Angel momma!!!!" on April 4th, 2013. ♥♥♥. I am not sure if it was the same box but I have a feeling that it was. *grin*

It came with so many beautiful things. "Wings! wings! wings!" purple and pink too! ♥

I tried to picture below each of the items I have received and I am sharing them all.

It came with a Necklace with a beautiful pink butterfly pendant, a Heart-Shaped Silver that has the word "Forever" engraved. ♥... 

 Stone that has tiny delicate footprints.

A transparent oval stone that has a tiny foot made with clay. ♥...

Baby Foot with Angel Wings!... (Made of Clay)...

A Beautiful Winged Baby Angel Sleeping snugly *grin*... (so small, so delicate and I am so in love with it♥). When my 2 kids arrived from school, I show them the things that I've got and everybody was asking so many questions and wanting to know about who sent it and where it came from. Then my 3-year old son told us to be quiet and pointed to this tiny sleeping angel and said "shhhh.. 'ading' is sleeping" (**Ading in our language means little brother/sister). Made me smile because he was so young but he knows that it was for her baby sister.

Custom Candles that Amanda made. It has the Wings of Jeremiah logo and Alanna Phoebe's information (her special day, her weight and her length). 

I was so touched because I don't remember giving all this information to Amanda but she had the time to get information about my baby Alanna in my blog. I am so touched with all the effort that she put in what she does in keeping Jeremiah's memory alive. I know I will never forget Amanda and the name Jeremiah.

To Amanda, thank you for what you do. Thank you for all the things you've sent me in memory of your Jeremiah. I love everything that you picked and sent me to remember my precious baby Alanna. Someday I will give back on what you do for the BL Community. ♥♥♥  . Hugs.

Baby Loss Ribbon from Serenity's Mom Jessie

I am so happy that I finally got the Baby Loss Ribbon that Serenity's Mommy Jessie sent me today. I found her through Bo's Mom Kayla Ann. For that, I want to also thank Kayla for introducing me to her.

I was shy at first and was scared to ask for a ribbon because I did not know Jessie but she was so kind she took my Alanna's information and sent it right away. We have few messages back and forth and hoping in the future to befriend with her.

Today, my baby loss ribbon came in my mailbox! Thankful that it arrived safely. It was so beautiful, my first baby loss ribbon. I never knew what it meant until I have lost my baby Alanna. It did bring tears to my eyes because getting this things can be at times bittersweet. Knowing that I am not alone but then ofcourse the reasons why I have this ribbon. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Jessie!
I will always remember the name Serenity.

Treasure from my Heart

Thank you Christi!

Alanna's Name in the Sand Photo from Christi @ Treasure from my Heart all in memory of her granddaughter Alessa Rose. (also visit her Facebook Page) ♥. She also makes polymer clay necklaces.

Christi also did take photo's of Alanna's name during Easter which can be found HERE.

Easter Long Weekend 2013

Mask on! Another holiday came and went. I am getting really better at this.

But of course there are times when I had to stop, think and just want to hide and run. I kept on telling myself that I am going to be okay now but there are those times that my tears were just ready to fall.

Starting with Good Friday, we just decided to stay home. We have relatives who came by for dinner. Me, my nieces and my daughter decided to paint our nails with Easter colors. Back of my head, I can't stop thinking of Alanna. This would have been an activity that me and my daughters would have fun doing in the future but instead I know it'll never happen. For now, I will be doing this with Alanna's big sister and just think of her watching us from up above.

	ANNA, AVA AND ALANNA'S HAND PHOTOS (The 'A' Girls) I am glad I have this photo. Alanna's fingers were long like her big sister Ava.  I enjoyed painting Alanna's sister's nails, I would've enjoyed painting her nails too.
	Ava's Painted Nails Easter Theme		My Easter Painted Nails
	Alanna's Tiny Hands

Saturday came, I decided to bake carrot muffins and decorate them with Easter theme. We were invited to have dinner over my brother-in-laws house so I thought to bring this to their place. I am not good with baking things but I bought this Quaker Carrot Muffin mixture where in you just have to add water.*grin* That's what I use. Then me and Alanna's sister, Ava decorated them. I made sure that I write Alanna's name.

When I was pregnant with Alanna, I had planned on enrolling myself in baking class. That was postponed when I lost her but now I made sure that I get myself enrolled in that class. The class will actually start tomorrow so I hope I will learn something. I am very excited.

Easter Sunday, this day was the hardest one, my eyes got teary but again I was able to hide from my friends. I don't think they've noticed. We were invited to go Easter egg hunting in one of our friend's house (Janetski!). I cried because I was happy? sad? I don't know--mixed emotions! I don't really know how to describe it because my friend mentioned to me that our priest was asking how we were doing. I was so 'touched' because someone still remembers. I am that person who don't really go to church every Sunday, I don't even personally know our priest, Father Edwin but for some reason I guess he remembers. I admit, I don't go to church that much which I think I should. ♥

After we lost Alanna', we've been going to church every single Sunday. But I feel "weird"? "weak"? (again I don't know how to describe it) because every time I go to church I end up crying. I also btw learned to bring handkerchief to church which is not me. But lately we stop going which I need to change about myself. I guess my belief is that God is Everywhere. I don't need to go to church because I can talk to Him wherever I am. But again, I still think I should go to church. HAH! Again, I don't know. Confused much?!

Anyway, today is Easter Monday also April 1st which is April Fools' day. Another month is over. Just thought of posting today and sharing what happened few days ago and also share this photos I got from my BL Community. Thank you for including Alanna and writing her name.

*Easter is a time to think about the “new life” that we have in Jesus. Easter is the greatest feast in the Christian calendar. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

	♥Thank you for remembering and writing ALANNA's Name this Easter ♥
	from Bo's Mom Kayla	Also from Kayla @ Unexpected Miracle
	from Samuel's Mom RaeAnne "All that Love Can Do"
	Alessa's Grandma Christi from "Treasure from my Heart"
	Hope and Janessa's Mom Shauna	from Shauna @ Pinwheels from Heaven
	Alanna's name with the August Babies who came and gone too soon	H&J Easter Angel Tree
	Gabriels' Mom Catherine @ Gabriel's Garden