Alanna's Christmas 2012

Things that I made, bought and received for Alanna this Christmas. I'll be adding them as we get them. Some still being shipped hope to receive them before Christmas!

First Ornament that I made for my Alanna

Our Xmas tree this year. "Bluer than blue~!"
and Alanna's Snowglobe with her picture and her footprints

Alanna Phoebe Christmas Sleigh

ceramic ornament that has Alanna's name

♥♥♥

I am just too weak and I hate it

Today I met with a doctor who was helping me fill up with the form from work. I tried my best not to break down and cry but still unsuccessful. Of course I had to tell her what happened and without success I cried and felt the pain, still hurt everytime I tell someone what happened on that day. I am just too weak and I hate it! The doctor was OK but I just didn't like when she told me her story about her Dad who died of Cancer in the hospital who was even treated but later died where she works for. Believe me, I do feel sorry that she lost her dad but why did she had to compare my loss? 

She told me that after a month she came back to work and that she still cries when someone asked her how she is doing. She told me that not going back to work is too much because it's been months now. It has been 3-months and 8-days since I lost her. Am I grieving too much? It just seems so fresh. It's like she is telling me "Hey! I did it! Why can't you?" Am I being too emotional? maybe over sensitive of my loss? losing it? I thought her loss is way different than mine. My father died when I was 7-years old, my grandmother died few years ago, my father-in-law who was very close to me recently died but their death is so different afterwards. It's just not the same, I feel different losing my baby, my Alanna. 

I just wonder if she has kids? I don't really know what's happening with me? maybe she is right, doctors are suppose to be smart right? I just don't know what to think anymore. I am just too weak and I hate it!

Yin Yang Life: Living with 3 kids on earth & one in heaven

Ups and downs has always been part of life and things happen but wouldn't it be nice if everyone could simply rejoice without balancing it out especially after losing a baby? With my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven it's been a struggle for me balancing my life. I am so full of mixed emotions that I think I am numb. My son's birthday came and I am glorious that he is now 3, we had a party for him with close family and friends but then a part of me grieve that we are having all this party when my daughter lost her life. But then how can I be sad when I have a son that celebrates another year of his life? Is it just me? can someone tell me that this is normal?

Me carrying daughter Alanna and
my son Diezel's 3rd bday party

I am trying to get back into 'normal life', emotions brought up by my baby's death few months ago going all over the place and the life that I use to have before and after my loss. I am a mess! Not that anything is going wrong it is just that emotionally I am a mess. Am I going crazy?  The past months have been weird because I never know when something is going to trigger emotions that remind me of my Alanna.  Much of these things are the things that I do with my kids where I know that I will never do with my baby. All I can do is imagine and say my 'what ifs'--so sad. 

I wish there are books to read or classes that I can attend to so I can learn how to balance my life back. I guess this is my normal me. Maybe just need to accept that things have changed, life have changed, that I have changed and this is the new me! C'est la vie!?! ["Such is life"]

You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥

Happy 3-months Heaven Birthday my Baby

Rose from daddy

Three months has passed and I feel the same. My heart♥ still aches and I still cries for you not being here with me. I am still lost and hanging on, I really wish there are books to learn on how to go on with life and how to ease the pain that I feel everyday. I always have to put that smile for everyone to see, to tell them that I am ok, that I am fine. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breath. I wonder if people knew that my heart is so crushed inside.

This is probably not want you want me to feel but it's there, I am hurting. I always say to myself that yes God has plans for you, easy to say but it just crushes me because this is not what I planned. I say so many things to somehow feel better but my heart always say something different--always longing to be with you.

Sometimes it makes me wonder, is there really heaven? am I a bad person to ask? I ask, but still I always imagine you up in the clouds, with angel wings looking down at us. I hope someone is taking care of you, maybe my papa, 'tatang' or grandma? I hope they are.. all I can do is imagine.

Happy 3-months birthday Alanna! I miss you baby. ♥♥♥

I love the color of these roses.
Daddy bought them for Alanna's 3rd-Month Heaven Birthday

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In memory of our Alanna,-- your brothers, sister and me started doing Baby Clay Names for other babies. I've been meaning to do this so they will remember you, I am just scared that one day they will forget you. But I am very happy that they are always excited to do clay names, theyve been mentioning your name as well. It felt that solid ice of silence is broken, it is ok to mention Alanna's name in our house.

Monthly Birthday:

♥ 1-month bday

♥ 2-month bday

♥ 3-month bday
♥ 4-month bday
♥ 5-month bday

Complete Medical Records Came

Alanna's Medical Records came this week from the hospital. I requested them few weeks back hoping some of my questions to be answered. I am glad that I did, having no autopsy done, I didn't know where to get answers. I know it won’t change anything but it gives me information on what occurred that day—(August 19th, 2012) on the last 2 hours and 3 minutes of my daughter’s life.

I know the doctors and nurses did their very best but it’s nice to know what happen and what they did. I was not there in the NICU. It has been bothering me not knowing any information. I was not even aware that my baby was having problem breathing. One minute you thought everything is fine, next thing you know death comes.

When the mail came, I wanted to open it right away but decided to wait and open it in the evening. I admit, I did stare at it for awhile and prayed that I will find answers and peace of mind.

Evening came; I opened the envelope, lots of pages, stapled into 2 sets. One has my name and one has Alanna's name. I decided to read my file first, nothing really interesting, I guess all the information I got from my file doesn't really interest me but it did gave me sadness when I read "Postpartum, unfortunately, the baby died neonatally." 

There were many words that most of it I can not understand.  Some of the pages were handwritten, some were typed electronically. I guess the medical terms they used were too alien to me to understand. Some words I had to google and look up.

Second set, Alanna’s medical file, it’s a thick set of paper. Started reading it, First few sentences I can handle...

"heart rate was above 120 both by monitors and auscultation" then

 "Other vitals were difficult to assess on monitoring available"

Few more sentences, I cried… all I can do is imagine. It’s been unpredictable because there are times when they were getting good results and there were times when her breathing decreases…

"decision was made to intubate the baby given no respiratory effort"

"baby was bagged again"

"baby was put into ventilator"

There are notes that made me smile because I knew Alanna tried her best to fight… to survive…

"baby's respiratory effort increased and she was taking occasional spontaneous breaths"

“the frequency of baby’s spontaneous breaths increased”

cap gas and chest xray were done…

"There was no Pneumothorax"

 

When I was reading that sentence, it felt like she was drowning and I was drowning with her. I thought of breathing for her, if only I can… I would've helped her breathe... I would've breath for her… I would've given her my lungs. If only those things are possible. But then life does not work like that... unfortunately.

I kept on reading while crying...

"heart rate started to decrease... dropped to less than 60"

"no heart rate was heard..."

"compressions had been performed for 30 minutes with no improvement in baby's status and no audible heart rate or palpable pulse. It was then decided to stop efforts. Death was pronounced at 0503 hours."

I stopped reading. I cried and I cried and I cried... I had to read the rest of the page the next day.

Reading her medical record broke my already broken heart. It brings me back when these were all happening, and I’m there in a different room… smiling, laughing, even planning for our future not knowing that there will be no future of us together. But I would recommend every parent to get a copy from the hospital. I know it did not change anything, my Alanna is still gone but it's nice to have this information especially in our case where we did not have any autopsy done for her. Maybe not all questions were answered but atleast I got few answered.

Remembrance Day

Remembrance Day (also known as Poppy Day) is a memorial day to remember the members of the armed forces who have died in the line of duty.

Why should I wear a Poppy?

When you wear a Poppy or display a Wreath, you honour the war dead and help ex-service personnel and their dependents.

Who should wear a Poppy?

Everyone should be encouraged to war a Poppy, as it is a way for all Canadians to honour the memory of the thousands of Canadians who gave their lives in the defence of freedom. This freedom, however, also means having the right to chose and it is a person’s right not to wear a Poppy if they choose not to.

When is a Poppy worn?

Traditionally, the Poppy is worn during the Remembrance period, which is from the last Friday in October to the end of the day on 11 November. 

♥My kids came home with their usual poppy pins from school. They come home every year and always excited to show me their pins and it just reminded me of my Alanna. How she will not come from school over excited with her poppy. But that day, I got one to share with her, her first poppy pin to remember thousands of men and women who sacrificed their lives in military service.

Alanna's first Poppy pin for Remembrance Day
"To remember thousands of men and women who sacrificed their lives in military service."

My Children, my kids, my love

I was going through your brothers and sister's pictures and I can see the difference of how they grow through the years. It bring heartaches that I can only picture you as a baby but it so nice to know that you will be my forever baby. I am sad that I can no longer take pictures of you my Alanna but today I found a cool app while going through my Ipad. I want to share it to everyone. Even if I can no longer take your pictures with us I want to do collages with our family with you. 

You will always be in my heart my forever baby.

I love and miss you,

Mommy

can you see where is my Alanna?

I am an Unfit Mother

I think I am losing it. My heart is aching because I think I know now why has God taken Alanna to me so soon. I am an Unfit Mother. I was helping my daughter in her homework, helping her read. I just kept shouting at her because she can't read her books. I lost my patience and hit her in her arm. My husband heard me shouting at her. I had to stop helping her with her homework and told myself I can't do it anymore. I even shouted at my husband and told him to help her do her homework. My daughter cried because I hit her very hard. I really feel so bad. I am so hurt that I screamed and hit my daughter for just not able to read the few words in her book. Why would God give Alanna to me if I can not even handle my other daughter? Maybe God is punishing me because I don't have patience with my kids. Maybe He knows that I am not worth to have another child. All I can do right now is cry. All this emotions is slowly destroying me. I am so scared that one day it will destroy my family. I am asking the Lord to give me more strength. God knows how I love my children so much. I wouldn't want them hurt. Please help me Lord and give me more strength. I love my children

Expected Due Date - November 4th, 2012

November 4 would've been just a regular day to everyone but November 4 is my Expected Due Date. The sad part is nobody knows it but me. No one remembered but me. The day I should have my baby Alanna but then she came too soon... came too soon.

I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried while my family was still sleeping tired from the party last night. I rubbed and felt my tummy while I cried shaking, thinking that if I touched my belly I will feel my baby.. still in there. Honestly, I still wish for the day that I will wake up one day and my baby will be there, hoped that I will wake up from this bad dream but then I know in my mind there will be no baby to hug and kiss and that this is not a bad dream but a reality. My baby is gone...

My husband woke up and saw me crying, he asked 'what's wrong mommy?' I hid my face in the blanket and shook my head and said 'nothing'. Luckily, my kids were awake and they came running in our bedroom so I hugged and kissed them. My family-- the reason for me to go on with life, the reason for me not to lose hope. After few minutes of just cuddling with my kids, I asked my husband what's for breakfast, I had to think of something to avoid his question. Told him I'm starving. I don't know if avoiding the question is the right thing to do but I thought it is. I'm just not sure anymore. I wish there were books to read about what to do, class to attend to learn how to.. but here I am lost and trying to find my way.

It felt like a cold water has been thrown in my face. I think I need someone to really slap me hard in the face, shake me hard and shout to me that my baby is dead! There I said it, my baby is dead! Those words are just so hard to accept even just typing them makes me cry.

Still I ask the questions why? Why me? Why my baby? Why did it happen? Why didn't I know you're coming too early? Why are you not with me, not in my arms? Why has God taken you so early? Why can no one save you? Why? Why? Why? It just hurt so much, it's just so unfair!

My fear came, my baby's due date came and still I don't have my baby Alanna. What happen is not a bad dream--Reality is she is gone. God help me to see, please guide me and give me strength.

All Soul's Day 2012

When I came to Canada we never do anything for All Soul’s day. People here don’t really do anything special on this day, It is not a nationwide public holiday. So for the most part we worked but this year was different.

All Souls’ Day is a time for many Christians to remember deceased family members or friends. I was born in the Philippines and raised as a Christian; I remember back home when I was a kid we use to go to cemetery and pray for our dead loved ones. For the most part, I remember going to cemetery playing with candles and molding candle wax and make ball shapes. My ‘Lolo’ [grandfather in English] is Chinese so I remember lighting incense for him but the most amusing part was looking at other tombs around him seeing other Chinese people bring food for their loved one. I remember joking around with my cousins to get their food, but of course we don’t do that, we were too scared to touch their food in the cemetery.

Halloween 2012

Halloween passed by and of course I've been thinking of you. Imagining you in a little ballerina outfit, wearing a pink stockings, pink outfit with a pink tutu. You probably will look so cute on it, your sister love the color pink so I'm sure we will both agree. Your brothers and sister enjoyed the Halloween going to houses even though the weather was not that great. I know you heard me when I told you that they wanted to go trick-or-treating and wish that the rain will stop. I think you did try to hold the rain for us for a few hours so they will enjoy their Halloween. I'm so happy you did that because they were able to enjoy their candy hunting. That was also one of the greatest gift that you gave for your little brother's birthday. I hope you saw him running last night from houses to houses enjoying his freedom out in the streets. It was his birthday and how I wish you were there to greet him. What about your big brother's scary mask? Did it scare you or did it made you laugh? I wonder if you saw your sister's lighting headband? I know she was going ahead and knocking on doors but because of her blinking headband I know where she was. I hope you can try her headband but what I can do is imagine you on it.

My heart still aches for you my Alanna. I wish the rain that day washed the pain but it just won't go away.

I love you Alanna Happy Halloween my baby. Thank you for also watching over us especially your brothers and sister.