All Soul's Day 2012

When I came to Canada we never do anything for All Soul’s day. People here don’t really do anything special on this day, It is not a nationwide public holiday. So for the most part we worked but this year was different.

All Souls’ Day is a time for many Christians to remember deceased family members or friends. I was born in the Philippines and raised as a Christian; I remember back home when I was a kid we use to go to cemetery and pray for our dead loved ones. For the most part, I remember going to cemetery playing with candles and molding candle wax and make ball shapes. My ‘Lolo’ [grandfather in English] is Chinese so I remember lighting incense for him but the most amusing part was looking at other tombs around him seeing other Chinese people bring food for their loved one. I remember joking around with my cousins to get their food, but of course we don’t do that, we were too scared to touch their food in the cemetery.

This year I wanted to remember my Alanna. I woke up, prepared my kids to school and when they’re gone lit a candle for her. Said a little prayer and whispered to her. I imagine her with me and felt her presence whenever the candle flame danced. We went to church that Friday night which we don’t normally do. Of course, I cried, I think the lady beside me noticed me that she kept on glancing. But I am glad we went there. I told God to take care of her. I told Him I am no longer mad at Him that hoping in the future I will find the answers. I am slowly accepting that there is a reason why He took her so soon. Maybe it’s not that clear to me yet but I trust in Him. 

After church I felt like not going home, my kids wanted to go to Wendy's so we decided to go there. For some, this might be a normal day but for me just sitting there meant so much. Sometimes, I forget little things, I don't cherish them anymore, this past few days I was so focus with losing Alanna that I thought I need to focus on the other things too. I have other kids and I know they need me too. I love all my children. I thought this would be a good  time for me to be thankful that I am alive, that my 3 kids are happy and I have a partner who's always there. When we were there in Wendy's/Tim Hortons, I spent my time with my kids and thought of Alanna watching us. I think this is what she would want me to do-- Be happy for our family and take care of her dad, brothers and sister.

Dear God,

I know I don’t pray to you as often as I should
But I need you to please help me if you would.

Please take care of my little girl,

eventhough I know that you would.

Please pass a message to my little Angel Alanna,

I know this is a big thing I ask of you,

Tell her the message is from her Daddy, brothers and sister too,

“Alanna, we love you,

Even though you are not here,
In our hearts we will always hold you dear.”

I’ve always wonder what shape your eyes would have been,
But then I thought, they never saw sin.

I will never get to wipe tears from your eyes,
When this makes me sad, I will just look up in the sky.

It so hard to accept that we will never get to see you walk,
Or grow as a little girl,
But still I’m glad because sickness or pain you will never know.

Heaven or Hell, you didn’t have to choose,
For that reason you did not lose.

Alanna, I do have some memories of you even though they are few,
But these memories are going to help me make it through.

Like you moving inside me.

That I am thankful I got to feel,

It’s these memories that are going to help me heal.

I know we’re not supposed to ask God why,
But I ask God constantly, why you had to die.

I have always heard things happen for a reason,
That it happens in its own due season.

Something good always comes out of something bad
So here are some reasons to help me from being so sad.

I know you’re with Jesus,
For this I can grin,
Because you didn’t have a choice
You couldn’t help but win.

My beautiful daughter, there’s so much I need to say

Things I didn’t get to tell you on that sad day.

You were took from us on that sad day
But I’m glad that heaven is your home, forever to stay.

Alanna, I just wanted to tell you that we love you

And goodbye we will not say,
Because goodbyes are forever, and we will be with you again someday,
So until then, continue to laugh and play.
Your Daddy, brothers, sister and I love you and that’s all I need to say.

God, there is one more thing you can give my daughter
That I want to give her everyday,
God will you please give this to her?
Tell him it’s from Mommy,
That it is my special kiss… only for my baby Alanna.