November 4 would've been just a regular day to everyone but November 4 is my Expected Due Date. The sad part is nobody knows it but me. No one remembered but me. The day I should have my baby Alanna but then she came too soon... came too soon.
I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried while my family was still sleeping tired from the party last night. I rubbed and felt my tummy while I cried shaking, thinking that if I touched my belly I will feel my baby.. still in there. Honestly, I still wish for the day that I will wake up one day and my baby will be there, hoped that I will wake up from this bad dream but then I know in my mind there will be no baby to hug and kiss and that this is not a bad dream but a reality. My baby is gone...
My husband woke up and saw me crying, he asked 'what's wrong mommy?' I hid my face in the blanket and shook my head and said 'nothing'. Luckily, my kids were awake and they came running in our bedroom so I hugged and kissed them. My family-- the reason for me to go on with life, the reason for me not to lose hope. After few minutes of just cuddling with my kids, I asked my husband what's for breakfast, I had to think of something to avoid his question. Told him I'm starving. I don't know if avoiding the question is the right thing to do but I thought it is. I'm just not sure anymore. I wish there were books to read about what to do, class to attend to learn how to.. but here I am lost and trying to find my way.
It felt like a cold water has been thrown in my face. I think I need someone to really slap me hard in the face, shake me hard and shout to me that my baby is dead! There I said it, my baby is dead! Those words are just so hard to accept even just typing them makes me cry.
Still I ask the questions why? Why me? Why my baby? Why did it happen? Why didn't I know you're coming too early? Why are you not with me, not in my arms? Why has God taken you so early? Why can no one save you? Why? Why? Why? It just hurt so much, it's just so unfair!
My fear came, my baby's due date came and still I don't have my baby Alanna. What happen is not a bad dream--Reality is she is gone. God help me to see, please guide me and give me strength.
I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried while my family was still sleeping tired from the party last night. I rubbed and felt my tummy while I cried shaking, thinking that if I touched my belly I will feel my baby.. still in there. Honestly, I still wish for the day that I will wake up one day and my baby will be there, hoped that I will wake up from this bad dream but then I know in my mind there will be no baby to hug and kiss and that this is not a bad dream but a reality. My baby is gone...
My husband woke up and saw me crying, he asked 'what's wrong mommy?' I hid my face in the blanket and shook my head and said 'nothing'. Luckily, my kids were awake and they came running in our bedroom so I hugged and kissed them. My family-- the reason for me to go on with life, the reason for me not to lose hope. After few minutes of just cuddling with my kids, I asked my husband what's for breakfast, I had to think of something to avoid his question. Told him I'm starving. I don't know if avoiding the question is the right thing to do but I thought it is. I'm just not sure anymore. I wish there were books to read about what to do, class to attend to learn how to.. but here I am lost and trying to find my way.
It felt like a cold water has been thrown in my face. I think I need someone to really slap me hard in the face, shake me hard and shout to me that my baby is dead! There I said it, my baby is dead! Those words are just so hard to accept even just typing them makes me cry.
Still I ask the questions why? Why me? Why my baby? Why did it happen? Why didn't I know you're coming too early? Why are you not with me, not in my arms? Why has God taken you so early? Why can no one save you? Why? Why? Why? It just hurt so much, it's just so unfair!
My fear came, my baby's due date came and still I don't have my baby Alanna. What happen is not a bad dream--Reality is she is gone. God help me to see, please guide me and give me strength.
I'm so sorry. It's a terrible empty feeling I wish you didn't have to face. I'll never forget her due date now. 11/4 is my Dad's birthday. Thinking of you and Alanna.
ReplyDeletewhen i found my due date... i remember thinking how its close to my youngest son's bday oct 31st .. thinking that maybe they will have the same bday.. or my bro in law who's bday is nov 5... but then she came just too soon :(
Delete((Hugs)) Due dates are really hard days to get through. <3
ReplyDelete