Gabriel's Garden and Twinkle of Light

I wanted to write a post about Catherine's blog and work at Twinkle of Light and Gabriel's Garden because she has been my inspiration. I remember I was reading blogs and saw one of Catherine's comment post about her loss, I saw the date July 19, 2012 and I thought that was a month before I lost my Alanna. I was so curious and so I read her story. I remember crying afterwards, I thought that she is a very strong woman who has lost his son recently but is already offering support to other parents. Her story and how she is available to lend support to other bereave parents truly inspires me. Hoping that someday, maybe in the future, I would be able to lend support to other bereave parents. I feel blessed to have met Catherine. She also took pictures for my Alanna and I want to share it to all. I absolutely love them! 

To read about her son Gabriel please visit her blog Twinkle of Light. To request a flower for your Child(ren) go to Gabriel's Garden.

Alanna Phoebe

Our Forever Baby

I've been wanting to write Alanna's name on the sand
but I have limited resources here in my area, I was thankful I met
Catherine and she did took this picture for my baby.

Flower Released: Redondo Beach, California

First Visit with my OB after Loss - DId not go very well

Met with my OB this week and I thought I will have all the questions that is bothering my head lately. I thought I was OK when they told me in the hospital how my baby died. But then one time, I was reading some blogs and came to a site where they offer to share memories of children on their website. I wanted to put Alanna's name on their list when a question stopped me, it says "Cause of Death". I had to pause, it's like putting "weak lungs" is not the right word, its just not enough. It hate myself that I don't have enough information why my baby died. I remember when they told us that she died because she has a weak lungs, they ask us if we have any questions but why did I not ask them any questions?!!? and now I have all this questions in my head that I don't know WHO has the answers and WHERE can I get the answers? I want to know what is the cause of her death! I want to see her records how she died. I regret not having an autopsy for her, the thought of having someone cut her up is just unbearable but now I regret that decision. I wish I did, I know it will not change anything but I just want to know more information. 

And so I thought that maybe meeting with my OB on my checkup will give me answers but as I feared I came to her office and the wait time is longer than me talking to her. I did not like it when I came in her office, I felt sad because I thought I would have been pregnant still and would have been just going for a regular check up, but here I am waiting for answers. When she came in the room, she asked me if I was breast feeding. I kept quiet, I did not know what to say. I thought and said in my head "REALLY? you are going ot ask me that question?". Then I guess she noticed that I was not talking and then she looked at her folder. Then she ask me so many questions like what happen? did we get to a car accident? She asked me what happen to the baby? I just felt like wringing her neck that time. All my questions in my head just evaporated. She asked me the question that I'm suppose to ask her. I remember her also telling me that "probably if you were closer to the sick kids hospital your baby would have not die!" Then that's it! I was so upset and cried. I thought she was the meanest person in the world and  thought to myself that I will never go back to her ever again. I just wanted to run and get out there right away, I'm so glad that I have my youngest son with me that time or God knows what I would have done. Afterwards, we went to a coffee shop nearby to wait for my husband, while waiting I had to compose myself, I thought that she probably is a very busy person and for her, situation like having her patient's baby die is pretty much her everyday norm. I don't know if I will feel sorry for myself or feel sorry for her but all I know is she was not sorry for what happen, or I guess that's what I felt that day. I guess I know I feel sorry for myself because I still don't have the answers to my questions, I don't know what to do at this point. Should I just let it go? I'm thinking to call the hospital where I delivered Alanna but I just don't have the words to ask. I don't know how to start the conversation. I fear that again I'm stuck here thinking and can't go forward. Hopefully someone, someway someday I will find the answers that I am looking for.

Capture Your Grief, Day 4: Most Treasured Items

I treasure Alanna's picture that we have taken. I think we only have a few and I wish I had more pictures of her when we were in the hospital. I know I regret taking pictures of her with my kids in the hospital. I regret our decision for them not to see the baby in the hospital. That time, I just was not ready, I didn't know how to tell my kids that their baby sister died. How I wish I took pictures of them carrying their sister atleast. But eventually, we had to tell them because we wanted them to be there during her funeral visitation. We wanted them to see how beautiful their sister is. I'm heart broken though because I know that it would be the first and last day that they will see their baby sister Alanna.

I also treasure the things that I got from the hospital. They were all so kind and gave my baby her first outfit, baby bonnet, baby blanket, booties, hospital bracelets, hospital cards, measuring tape, her hand and footprints, a baby angel and pieces of her hair which in my heart I will treasure forever.

Capture Your Grief, Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

Our first picture together. My first picture with my baby Alanna taken by her Dad. She was so warm and so soft, so little, so innocent and so beautiful. I thought she look like her big sister..very hairy. She is so perfect! But then how can a baby so perfect die? 

I remember hugging her, kissing her and smelling her...she smell so good. I tried so many times waking her up just by running my hands in her body hoping that she will wake up with my touch. I open up her wrapped body in her baby blanket so that maybe if she will feel the cold she will start to cry. I also whispered to her that her big brothers and sister were waiting for her so she better wake up... but she never did.

I also wish that what was happening was all a bad dream... that anytime I would wake up and I'll be pregnant again... but I never woke up... it was not a bad dream. 

I prayed and ask God for a miracle, I told Him not to take her away but then He did. 

Holding a lifeless body of my baby Alanna.. an After Loss Portrait

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