Trip to Fatima Shrine - Buffalo, New York

We went to Buffalo, New York to go to Fatima Shrine (Basilica of the National Shrine or our Lady of Fatima). I prayed for Alanna and somewhat to let things out and speak to the Lord. Honestly, I still ask questions why He had taken her suddenly, why my baby, why my family.

Up until now, I admit I do constantly pray for answers and enlightenment, I ask for Him to give me signs. I know that my Alanna is in good hands but still I had to stop my tears from flowing because a part of me miss her, a part of me still don't want to accept that she is gone. Why did He not give me few more hours, few more days or few more years? Why He did not give me more time to embrace, kiss and take care of my dear Alanna?  Is it wrong to ask this questions? Is my faith being tested? I understand that God is here for us. He will carry us through our troubles but He does not guarantee that life will go as we wish. I pray for Him to help me find peace.

Eniweyz, all-in-all it was a great trip for our family, we went with my brother-in-laws family. We went around Buffalo... also had to pick up my Beanie4ABaby and my Ethan's FlameCandle from my Niece. 

We arrived in the Shrine and there were so many statues but I stopped on this one and stared... dunno why.

Alanna's big brother with Dad (top picture)

Me with big bro (lower left); Bro-in-law, Daddy and big brother (lower right)

in front of the Fatima Shrine Church Entrance

Alanna's big sister posing with the Saint statues

if it wasn't cold she would've wanted me to take

her picture with all the statues in there.

She is just a poser~!

Made me wonder if Alanna would've been the same ♥

Inside the Shrine, there was a room where we can light up red candles. ♥. It was one of those moments where my children remembered, they asked me if they can light a candle for Alanna! Touched of course I said YES~! Even though they are young I am happy that they think of her... so happy that they do remember their baby sister Alanna ♥.

Inside the Shrine with Alanna's big brothers and sister
Candle Lit~!

Alanna's big sister lighting another candle for Tatang and my Dad.

Alanna's big bro

Alanna's Big sis

Red Lit Candle

Another room in the church where you can write your wishes
and prayers

Alanna's cousin also lighting a Blue candle

Shrine's Roof top

Family on top of the Fatima Shrine roof... closer to Alanna ♥♥♥

Giant Rosary at Fatima Shrine

Something that I bought from the Fatima Shrine gift shop
Me and my daughter was looking for something that has
Alanna's name but unfortunately there is nothing.
Closest one we got was the baby sitting on a cube that
has the letter "A"

Thank you Ethan's Flame

Thank you to Ethan's Parents-- Joy and Brian for this beautiful, personalized handmade flameless memorial candle. I was so speechless.

I have found this site last year, a few months after I lost my Alanna through another BLMama and I fell in love with the candle that she got for her son. I checked Ethan's Flame website and wanted to get a candle for my Alanna but unfortunately was not able to order right away as they only ship in US. I tried to look locally for a similar candle but unfortunately did not find anything.

Recently, I thought of my relative in US and asked her a favor to have something shipped to her address, asked her to give it to my Niece afterwards who goes to school near the Canada border. I told her that I will pick it up when we come visit her. 

My wait and our trip is all worth it!♥♥♥

Ethan's Flame can make your own special candle with your baby's name and photo. There is also a beautiful poem at the back. It comes with a flame-less candle.

Please visit their website to read about Ethan and request your very own personalized flameless candle. ♥♥♥

Again, my heartfelt thank you Joy and Brian for this amazing and awesome candle. Thank you for what you do in memory of your beautiful Ethan and for offering light and inspiration for the baby loss community in our darkest moments.♥♥♥. 

Thank you Beanie 4 A Baby

Thank you Timothy Jr's Mom --Molly for Alanna's Beanie 4 A Baby. I know you've sent it way back in March to my niece address, I just got it last April 21. We finally had the time to cross the border and pick it up. It was worth the drive. ♥♥♥. Thank you so much.

Thank you for personalizing it-- I love seeing Alanna's name♥. Thank you for what you do in memory of your little Timothy and for the BL Community. ♥♥♥

One lovely day at the park

One of the struggles since I lost my Alanna is having to have fun again with my kids. After my loss, it felt like I have no right to smile again, no right to be happy. Because there is someone missing.

For those who knew me, I am a person who always smiles and laughs all the time and honestly I am sadly to say that I am learning to do that again(I try). I still do smile and laugh but there is always that part of me that cries, that stings, that still hurts when I am happy especially when that cause of that happiness is when I am with my children. I feel really bad and unfair especially to my kids but it just feel wrong to be happy when I am missing one of my children. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I being unfair? Is this normal?

Last week, we went to the park close to our house as the weather was just perfect. It's a walking distance so we walked while my other two kids went biking alongside. While we  were walking, I found this Rock in the park and thought it's heart shaped! Made me feel that Alanna was there watching over us. I felt great and I would say I enjoyed the day because it felt that my children are all in the park. I felt her presence and for that I am genuinely happy. It was a 'one lovely day at the park' ♥

Heart-Shaped Rock I found in the Park
I have regrets leaving it though
I am hoping that if the weather gets nicer and we
decided to go back, I would see it again.

I had to write Alanna's name in the Park's Sand ♥

All my Children in the park ♥