Alanna's Christmas 2012

Things that I made, bought and received for Alanna this Christmas. I'll be adding them as we get them. Some still being shipped hope to receive them before Christmas!

First Ornament that I made for my Alanna

Our Xmas tree this year. "Bluer than blue~!"
and Alanna's Snowglobe with her picture and her footprints

Alanna Phoebe Christmas Sleigh

ceramic ornament that has Alanna's name

♥♥♥

I am just too weak and I hate it

Today I met with a doctor who was helping me fill up with the form from work. I tried my best not to break down and cry but still unsuccessful. Of course I had to tell her what happened and without success I cried and felt the pain, still hurt everytime I tell someone what happened on that day. I am just too weak and I hate it! The doctor was OK but I just didn't like when she told me her story about her Dad who died of Cancer in the hospital who was even treated but later died where she works for. Believe me, I do feel sorry that she lost her dad but why did she had to compare my loss? 

She told me that after a month she came back to work and that she still cries when someone asked her how she is doing. She told me that not going back to work is too much because it's been months now. It has been 3-months and 8-days since I lost her. Am I grieving too much? It just seems so fresh. It's like she is telling me "Hey! I did it! Why can't you?" Am I being too emotional? maybe over sensitive of my loss? losing it? I thought her loss is way different than mine. My father died when I was 7-years old, my grandmother died few years ago, my father-in-law who was very close to me recently died but their death is so different afterwards. It's just not the same, I feel different losing my baby, my Alanna. 

I just wonder if she has kids? I don't really know what's happening with me? maybe she is right, doctors are suppose to be smart right? I just don't know what to think anymore. I am just too weak and I hate it!

Yin Yang Life: Living with 3 kids on earth & one in heaven

Ups and downs has always been part of life and things happen but wouldn't it be nice if everyone could simply rejoice without balancing it out especially after losing a baby? With my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven it's been a struggle for me balancing my life. I am so full of mixed emotions that I think I am numb. My son's birthday came and I am glorious that he is now 3, we had a party for him with close family and friends but then a part of me grieve that we are having all this party when my daughter lost her life. But then how can I be sad when I have a son that celebrates another year of his life? Is it just me? can someone tell me that this is normal?

Me carrying daughter Alanna and
my son Diezel's 3rd bday party

I am trying to get back into 'normal life', emotions brought up by my baby's death few months ago going all over the place and the life that I use to have before and after my loss. I am a mess! Not that anything is going wrong it is just that emotionally I am a mess. Am I going crazy?  The past months have been weird because I never know when something is going to trigger emotions that remind me of my Alanna.  Much of these things are the things that I do with my kids where I know that I will never do with my baby. All I can do is imagine and say my 'what ifs'--so sad. 

I wish there are books to read or classes that I can attend to so I can learn how to balance my life back. I guess this is my normal me. Maybe just need to accept that things have changed, life have changed, that I have changed and this is the new me! C'est la vie!?! ["Such is life"]

You are always in my heart

I received this wonderful handmade heart with Alanna Phoebe's name last week from Rhonda. I was so touched and surprised to see it on our mailbox. I know that she was sending them to me but honestly, I was so occupied with my kids and my loss that I forgot all about it. Still mending my broken heart from my loss that a lot of things I forget. It says sender "Paul" on the envelope--no last name, I pause and think who would have send me something. I had to feel what's inside before opening it. Then my heart jumped and I thought of Rhonda. I opened it so fast that I really ripped the envelope. I cried and saw my Alanna Phoebe's name. It's so beautiful! I thought the colors where perfect, there's a heart shaped hole, ribbon(so people can hang it),love the butterfly and flower that she put plus the footprint is so cute. She even added something at the back of the heart "Our Forever Baby". I was just expecting just blank plain at the back but she really did an awesome job. When she took a photo before sending it to me, I only saw the front so I was really surprised to see the back portion of it. She really did her time making it, and this I will never forget. I will never forget what Rhonda, her Steven and  Baby Sabrowske did for me. Her site really says it  "You are Always in my heart".

Her story touched my heart, please feel free to visit her website You are Always In My Heart and read her inspiring story. Check her site and you can make request if you would like handmade hearts in memory of your child(ren).

I hang it on the door knob where I put Alanna's
ashes and things. Our Mini Cabinet-Shadow box.
Now it has her name on it. Thanks Rhonda, Steven
& Baby S. ♥♥♥