Just another day

Bang! it hit me again. This feeling that I thought I wouldn't feel. I thought I'm good but I guess this is as good as it gets. I got a renewal notice for my baby Alanna's health card this week. First few days, I said HA! that's funny... but really it's a thug in my heart that I can not explain.

I have not written so long because I did put my feelings aside... because everytime I write, I cry. I hate that feeling but here I am crying and writing but I guess that's the reason I have this blog, to write whatever. I just need to let it out. I don't care how my eyes will be so puffy tonight. I just need it. I don't even know what else to write. I just feel like writing. Does it make sense? is it craziness? am I crazy! It's been a year and almost 10 months... The feeling just comes and goes.. it wouldn't go away.... Do I want it to go away? Maybe not, because that means I have to forget about My baby Alanna.

Does it heal? is there a cure?  Maybe I don't need it because I don't think this is sickness.... I am just so sad this week. How can I miss something I never really had? Call it crazy! I guess because she was there inside of me... I just wish I have her here with me. hols her, play with her... (wish not granted!)

I have not gone to work for a few days now. I called my manager and he ask is everything alright? I said everything is ok but I just can't go to work right now. I wanted to tell him everything. His voice is so concerned. I just don't want to say it, I guess. i just don't know HOW to say it. How can I explain? I am just happy that he is giving me these days off. He did not ask more question, maybe he understand from my voice. Wonderful boss. Im sure tomorrow I'll be ok(I hope). This is just a phase, just a phase, just a phase. I'm sure I'll be ok again... one of these days.

I miss you Alanna really hope you are here. I would have been planning your 2nd birthday party.  It is coming soon. You know mommy knows how to make fondant cakes. I would have enjoyed making one for your birthday but I guess I have to skip that and plan birthday party for your brothers and sisters instead. ILOVEYOU for infinty and beyond!

Happy 11-months heaven birthday

Today, Im writing this post in my Ipad while Im riding the bus to work. I am hoping that by the time Im in the station Ill finish and be able to  publish this post. sometimes great just rising in the bus away from everything. I usually just read things but today I decided to write. (misspelling and quotation may not be used properly because the typing with bus moving and shaking? a bit challenging)

Just want to bring out what I feel lately after11 months of losing my baby. around this time last year, I was pregnant with Alanna NOT knowing that my life will change after a month. I use to think how my life was so perfect. I was so contented, fulfilled and sohappy with my life... got a house, a car, a good job and great family.... And then a new baby coming( how awesome is that?). I was even planning on what Ill be doing on my 1 year maternity leave. Hoping to travel and spend time with my family especially my kids. But here I am... heart broken. 

i cant deny it, there are days where I tried to forget the pain and my loss. i know i have to face now and 'go on' with my 'normal new life'. I have accepted that I am a mother who lost a baby. Yes the pain comes ang goes.. I guess this is it. I am learning to control my feelings and emotions and I think I am good with that. so far so good. The question how many kids? I usually say 3 and just try to inhale and exhale and push back that thought that I should have said 4. Just dont want to be asked so many questions... actually there is one time when I said '4 but I lost one'. They said sorry but this person did not ask more questions. I guess they dont know what to really say.. somewhat I felt that I shut her up. I guess depending on the situation I learn to way things to say to a person, I learn to say when to say 3 or 4.

Small baby steps at a time... thats all I can say for now.. so ironic that I had to use that 'baby' word when I know that the reason Im doing this baby steps is because I lost a baby. 

Til then.. bus station is here.. 

Happy 11 months heaven birthday my Alanna. ❤

Thanks Shauna.. I don't know how u keep track but you always amaze and surprise me.

my view of the bus.. So empty like what im feeling

I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.

Happy 10-months heaven Birthday

You would've been 10 months old today... probably starting to walk? how I wish you were here. You are always in my thoughts. 

Made myself tired today tried not to think that I am missing you but every move you are there. Mommy is back to work... wish I have your picture to put in my desk.

I love you and miss you my Angel Alanna.❤❤❤. Happy 10-months Heaven Birthday.

my desk with my 3 kids picture, missing Alanna's picture

Thank you Shauna from Pinwheels from Heaven for always remembering the date 19th on you Calendar. Thank you for this photo: