Just another day

Bang! it hit me again. This feeling that I thought I wouldn't feel. I thought I'm good but I guess this is as good as it gets. I got a renewal notice for my baby Alanna's health card this week. First few days, I said HA! that's funny... but really it's a thug in my heart that I can not explain.

I have not written so long because I did put my feelings aside... because everytime I write, I cry. I hate that feeling but here I am crying and writing but I guess that's the reason I have this blog, to write whatever. I just need to let it out. I don't care how my eyes will be so puffy tonight. I just need it. I don't even know what else to write. I just feel like writing. Does it make sense? is it craziness? am I crazy! It's been a year and almost 10 months... The feeling just comes and goes.. it wouldn't go away.... Do I want it to go away? Maybe not, because that means I have to forget about My baby Alanna.

Does it heal? is there a cure?  Maybe I don't need it because I don't think this is sickness.... I am just so sad this week. How can I miss something I never really had? Call it crazy! I guess because she was there inside of me... I just wish I have her here with me. hols her, play with her... (wish not granted!)

I have not gone to work for a few days now. I called my manager and he ask is everything alright? I said everything is ok but I just can't go to work right now. I wanted to tell him everything. His voice is so concerned. I just don't want to say it, I guess. i just don't know HOW to say it. How can I explain? I am just happy that he is giving me these days off. He did not ask more question, maybe he understand from my voice. Wonderful boss. Im sure tomorrow I'll be ok(I hope). This is just a phase, just a phase, just a phase. I'm sure I'll be ok again... one of these days.

I miss you Alanna really hope you are here. I would have been planning your 2nd birthday party.  It is coming soon. You know mommy knows how to make fondant cakes. I would have enjoyed making one for your birthday but I guess I have to skip that and plan birthday party for your brothers and sisters instead. ILOVEYOU for infinty and beyond!