Happy 11-months heaven birthday

Today, Im writing this post in my Ipad while Im riding the bus to work. I am hoping that by the time Im in the station Ill finish and be able to  publish this post. sometimes great just rising in the bus away from everything. I usually just read things but today I decided to write. (misspelling and quotation may not be used properly because the typing with bus moving and shaking? a bit challenging)

Just want to bring out what I feel lately after11 months of losing my baby. around this time last year, I was pregnant with Alanna NOT knowing that my life will change after a month. I use to think how my life was so perfect. I was so contented, fulfilled and sohappy with my life... got a house, a car, a good job and great family.... And then a new baby coming( how awesome is that?). I was even planning on what Ill be doing on my 1 year maternity leave. Hoping to travel and spend time with my family especially my kids. But here I am... heart broken. 

i cant deny it, there are days where I tried to forget the pain and my loss. i know i have to face now and 'go on' with my 'normal new life'. I have accepted that I am a mother who lost a baby. Yes the pain comes ang goes.. I guess this is it. I am learning to control my feelings and emotions and I think I am good with that. so far so good. The question how many kids? I usually say 3 and just try to inhale and exhale and push back that thought that I should have said 4. Just dont want to be asked so many questions... actually there is one time when I said '4 but I lost one'. They said sorry but this person did not ask more questions. I guess they dont know what to really say.. somewhat I felt that I shut her up. I guess depending on the situation I learn to way things to say to a person, I learn to say when to say 3 or 4.

Small baby steps at a time... thats all I can say for now.. so ironic that I had to use that 'baby' word when I know that the reason Im doing this baby steps is because I lost a baby. 

Til then.. bus station is here.. 

Happy 11 months heaven birthday my Alanna. ❤

Thanks Shauna.. I don't know how u keep track but you always amaze and surprise me.

my view of the bus.. So empty like what im feeling

I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.

Happy 10-months heaven Birthday

You would've been 10 months old today... probably starting to walk? how I wish you were here. You are always in my thoughts. 

Made myself tired today tried not to think that I am missing you but every move you are there. Mommy is back to work... wish I have your picture to put in my desk.

I love you and miss you my Angel Alanna.❤❤❤. Happy 10-months Heaven Birthday.

my desk with my 3 kids picture, missing Alanna's picture

Thank you Shauna from Pinwheels from Heaven for always remembering the date 19th on you Calendar. Thank you for this photo:

Mother's Day Name Event 2013

To celebrate Mother's day, I participated in Catherine's (Gabriel's Mommy @ Twinkle of Twilight) Mother's Day Name Exchange Event to remember our precious babies.  I wrote different angel baby's names in different ways in our property.  I found peace and it is an incredible healing experience.  I thought I am missing one of my children but it felt like I have a lot of children when I wrote the babies' names in my list. Wrote some of them inside my house, some of them outside our home in the garden, even in our backyard.

Thank you so much Catherine for organizing this. ♥♥♥

Kenley's Empty Arms Project

(In memory of Rachael's daughter, Kenley Faith-- family's tiny princess)

Rachael hand out bears to the local hospitals & Doctors' office in Montana where she lives. She do open up requests to a set number of moms one day a month. Visit their Facebook page to read about what she does. ❤

I requested this bear when she was moving. I was not expecting it to come to me so early as I know how busy it is for someone to be moving but hey! I got my bear and I love it!

Thank you Rachael from Kenley's Empty Arms Project [K.E.A.P] for sending my family this bear. Like what you said on your FBpage, it did reminded me of  "the pain of leaving the hospital with nothing but empty arms and a broken heart". I am really, really thankful though for what you've sent me. 

I showed it to my children and my daughter hugged and kissed the bear. I told her about what you do and told her that I am expecting a bear in the mail. You should see the happiness in her eyes when I told her that I got something in the mail. It was one of those days that I hope it was really her baby sister Alanna. I can just imagine if we went home that day with Alanna in a baby car-seat that she would hug and kiss her too.. but then we came home that day empty handed. It is wonderful to see though what her reaction will be.

My daughter sleeps with the bear you've sent and she said she loves the smell of it. ❤❤❤. I think she is smelling what I can't smell... who knows? maybe Alanna sent that smell to her somehow through your bear. ❤

Photo of my K.E.A.P. Bear when I received it

♥♥♥
Thank you Rachael

My son with the bear. All smiles~!♥

When we went to Fallsview Indoor Waterpark we checked-in at Skyline Inn Hotel and my daughter did bring the bear. Thought to share a picture with them together in a crib. ♥. Alanna would've been sleeping on that crib *bittersweet*.

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Eden's Wings - my very own handmade bracelet

Got it this week.

Sharing my Handmade Bracelet from Molly at Eden's Wings-- a symbol of healing, hope and remembrance. ❤❤❤

To Molly,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love wearing it! ❤

 Visit Eden'sWing pages --> Facebook or Site.

"E" for Eden's 

Thank you Gianna's Light

I received my ribbons from Gianna's Light this week. I ordered 3 ribbons and I am hoping for my 3 children to wear them on Alanna's Death anniversary on August.

Thank you Gianna Lynn's Mom, Sherri. (I thought I love the name Gianna as it rhymes with my baby Alanna ♥♥♥)

To request and read about Gianna's Light please feel visit their site.

white, blue and pink heart ribbons

Trip to Fatima Shrine - Buffalo, New York

We went to Buffalo, New York to go to Fatima Shrine (Basilica of the National Shrine or our Lady of Fatima). I prayed for Alanna and somewhat to let things out and speak to the Lord. Honestly, I still ask questions why He had taken her suddenly, why my baby, why my family.

Up until now, I admit I do constantly pray for answers and enlightenment, I ask for Him to give me signs. I know that my Alanna is in good hands but still I had to stop my tears from flowing because a part of me miss her, a part of me still don't want to accept that she is gone. Why did He not give me few more hours, few more days or few more years? Why He did not give me more time to embrace, kiss and take care of my dear Alanna?  Is it wrong to ask this questions? Is my faith being tested? I understand that God is here for us. He will carry us through our troubles but He does not guarantee that life will go as we wish. I pray for Him to help me find peace.

Eniweyz, all-in-all it was a great trip for our family, we went with my brother-in-laws family. We went around Buffalo... also had to pick up my Beanie4ABaby and my Ethan's FlameCandle from my Niece. 

We arrived in the Shrine and there were so many statues but I stopped on this one and stared... dunno why.

Alanna's big brother with Dad (top picture)

Me with big bro (lower left); Bro-in-law, Daddy and big brother (lower right)

in front of the Fatima Shrine Church Entrance

Alanna's big sister posing with the Saint statues

if it wasn't cold she would've wanted me to take

her picture with all the statues in there.

She is just a poser~!

Made me wonder if Alanna would've been the same ♥

Inside the Shrine, there was a room where we can light up red candles. ♥. It was one of those moments where my children remembered, they asked me if they can light a candle for Alanna! Touched of course I said YES~! Even though they are young I am happy that they think of her... so happy that they do remember their baby sister Alanna ♥.

Inside the Shrine with Alanna's big brothers and sister
Candle Lit~!

Alanna's big sister lighting another candle for Tatang and my Dad.

Alanna's big bro

Alanna's Big sis

Red Lit Candle

Another room in the church where you can write your wishes
and prayers

Alanna's cousin also lighting a Blue candle

Shrine's Roof top

Family on top of the Fatima Shrine roof... closer to Alanna ♥♥♥

Giant Rosary at Fatima Shrine

Something that I bought from the Fatima Shrine gift shop
Me and my daughter was looking for something that has
Alanna's name but unfortunately there is nothing.
Closest one we got was the baby sitting on a cube that
has the letter "A"

Thank you Ethan's Flame

Thank you to Ethan's Parents-- Joy and Brian for this beautiful, personalized handmade flameless memorial candle. I was so speechless.

I have found this site last year, a few months after I lost my Alanna through another BLMama and I fell in love with the candle that she got for her son. I checked Ethan's Flame website and wanted to get a candle for my Alanna but unfortunately was not able to order right away as they only ship in US. I tried to look locally for a similar candle but unfortunately did not find anything.

Recently, I thought of my relative in US and asked her a favor to have something shipped to her address, asked her to give it to my Niece afterwards who goes to school near the Canada border. I told her that I will pick it up when we come visit her. 

My wait and our trip is all worth it!♥♥♥

Ethan's Flame can make your own special candle with your baby's name and photo. There is also a beautiful poem at the back. It comes with a flame-less candle.

Please visit their website to read about Ethan and request your very own personalized flameless candle. ♥♥♥

Again, my heartfelt thank you Joy and Brian for this amazing and awesome candle. Thank you for what you do in memory of your beautiful Ethan and for offering light and inspiration for the baby loss community in our darkest moments.♥♥♥. 

Thank you Beanie 4 A Baby

Thank you Timothy Jr's Mom --Molly for Alanna's Beanie 4 A Baby. I know you've sent it way back in March to my niece address, I just got it last April 21. We finally had the time to cross the border and pick it up. It was worth the drive. ♥♥♥. Thank you so much.

Thank you for personalizing it-- I love seeing Alanna's name♥. Thank you for what you do in memory of your little Timothy and for the BL Community. ♥♥♥

One lovely day at the park

One of the struggles since I lost my Alanna is having to have fun again with my kids. After my loss, it felt like I have no right to smile again, no right to be happy. Because there is someone missing.

For those who knew me, I am a person who always smiles and laughs all the time and honestly I am sadly to say that I am learning to do that again(I try). I still do smile and laugh but there is always that part of me that cries, that stings, that still hurts when I am happy especially when that cause of that happiness is when I am with my children. I feel really bad and unfair especially to my kids but it just feel wrong to be happy when I am missing one of my children. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I being unfair? Is this normal?

Last week, we went to the park close to our house as the weather was just perfect. It's a walking distance so we walked while my other two kids went biking alongside. While we  were walking, I found this Rock in the park and thought it's heart shaped! Made me feel that Alanna was there watching over us. I felt great and I would say I enjoyed the day because it felt that my children are all in the park. I felt her presence and for that I am genuinely happy. It was a 'one lovely day at the park' ♥

Heart-Shaped Rock I found in the Park
I have regrets leaving it though
I am hoping that if the weather gets nicer and we
decided to go back, I would see it again.

I had to write Alanna's name in the Park's Sand ♥

All my Children in the park ♥