I Don't Know

A week from now and it will be Alanna's birthday(or is it her Death Anniversary?).. I don't even know what to call her "special day" (Do I call it special day? is it really special when I know this is saddest day of my life?) I've been trying to forget and not to think about it. Is that something bad? it this normal? I've been trying to avoid  because I don't really know what to do that day. Almost 2 years your gone and still I don't know how to face this feeling... 

Again, I am lost. Do I celebrate? or Do I cry and be sad about you being not here? 

Do we go out and eat and celebrate like when we celebrate your brothers and sister's birthday? Or should I be quiet about it and act like its a normal day?

There are days when I am mad and I don't know why. I want to blame myself, I want to blame my doctor, and even days when I want to blame God... and I don't know why.

I wish there is a book for it. Maybe titled "Losing a child for Dummies"? Maybe there is such thing but again I know one loss is different from another. I really wish I know but I don't know.

All I know is I really, really miss you Alanna and I really wish you are here. I wish I can hold and hug you again. I am sorry I got so scared. I wish I stayed with you longer in that hospital. I didn't know what to do.

I love you for infinity and beyond.