Happy 11-months heaven birthday

Today, Im writing this post in my Ipad while Im riding the bus to work. I am hoping that by the time Im in the station Ill finish and be able to  publish this post. sometimes great just rising in the bus away from everything. I usually just read things but today I decided to write. (misspelling and quotation may not be used properly because the typing with bus moving and shaking? a bit challenging)

Just want to bring out what I feel lately after11 months of losing my baby. around this time last year, I was pregnant with Alanna NOT knowing that my life will change after a month. I use to think how my life was so perfect. I was so contented, fulfilled and sohappy with my life... got a house, a car, a good job and great family.... And then a new baby coming( how awesome is that?). I was even planning on what Ill be doing on my 1 year maternity leave. Hoping to travel and spend time with my family especially my kids. But here I am... heart broken. 

i cant deny it, there are days where I tried to forget the pain and my loss. i know i have to face now and 'go on' with my 'normal new life'. I have accepted that I am a mother who lost a baby. Yes the pain comes ang goes.. I guess this is it. I am learning to control my feelings and emotions and I think I am good with that. so far so good. The question how many kids? I usually say 3 and just try to inhale and exhale and push back that thought that I should have said 4. Just dont want to be asked so many questions... actually there is one time when I said '4 but I lost one'. They said sorry but this person did not ask more questions. I guess they dont know what to really say.. somewhat I felt that I shut her up. I guess depending on the situation I learn to way things to say to a person, I learn to say when to say 3 or 4.

Small baby steps at a time... thats all I can say for now.. so ironic that I had to use that 'baby' word when I know that the reason Im doing this baby steps is because I lost a baby. 

Til then.. bus station is here.. 

Happy 11 months heaven birthday my Alanna. ❤

Thanks Shauna.. I don't know how u keep track but you always amaze and surprise me.

my view of the bus.. So empty like what im feeling

I don't understand (but I'll try)

I feel bad and I am sorry baby. I delayed calling our local church to ask them for a prayer offering for you. I thought two months before the date will be ok but I guess they require 3-4 months in advance.  I failed to get the date(August 19th) that I wanted from our church. They told me that the dates are all booked for August and the earliest date they have is late September. I am a bit upset with what our church informed me. How can they say no to a prayer? I think it's not fare that they don't want to accept my request. Do they have a minimum? So what if 10 people died in our community on a particular day? Does that mean some prayers will be delayed because they can't simply announced their name on a Mass?! This really made me upset. I don't understand. They told me to contact other local church. Really? So why do we even go to this church? I hope and pray that I find something... still I don't understand. I wanted to ask them so many questions but I decided to let it go because I know I will just break down and I'll be crying on the phone. Sorry I failed you but I will try to call other church as I am afraid that this is my only options.

Last week was not really that great. My already wounded heart has been stabbed again, we got an invitation for a birthday party. Maybe I am jealous? Is this feeling normal? Its just not fair that they get to plan for their girl's first birthday party when here I am planning for a mass for my lost baby. I've been trying to put a smile on my face this past few days and so far I am successful. But I know I am going to just break down one day. I am trying to understand, keep an open-mind that people just don't understand. Maybe they did forget that I lost a baby? or maybe I am just good at putting that happy face whenever I am with them that they don't care what I feel. I don't understand.(but I'll try)

Give mommy more strength, I know I need it especially the month of August is just a few weeks away. Why did this happen to you? I LOVE YOU ALANNA for INFINITY.